booster said:
Hi Woodward, thx for your help! I compared our versions and corrected mine here and there. You are right, my version sounds a little clinical. That was intended, after all she's a "professional" :P That's the reason why I left some things unchanged.
Since you asked for feedback, I can give some specific comments on some of the lines I deleted.
general:"You have a drop of precum on your glans. Shall I lick it away?"
'Glans' is extremely clinical. If you wanna keep it, use 'cock head' or 'the head of your cock' or something like that. Go for colloquial/vulgar terms over clinical ones. Dirty talk sounds hot, talking about 'glans', 'labia', etc. makes it sound like a medical examination... which I guess could be hot if that's what you're going for. :)
general:"Can you feel the air sparkling between us?"
Sounds a bit fairytale. Again, maybe if that's what you're going for?
resistance:"Your penis has such soft skin but it yet so hard!" (I've changed this one)
Maybe it's just me, but 'soft skin' sounds kinda weird and maybe a little creepy.
pull_off:"Shall I suck harder? I want you to get a real good orgasm!"
Despite the phrase 'sucking off', "sucking" as such is not something you really want in an actual blow-job.
vigorous:"My mouth got wetter. I think you released some precum!"
'precum' is way clinical, and to be honest, generally precum is like a few drops. It's highly unlikely the girl will notice a few extra drops in a mouth full of saliva and penis. Maybe she could mention the taste, I guess? She certainly wouldn't notice it when a drop comes out (it's really generally more of a steady but very gradual flow).
vigorous:"My hips would crave for a cock like this!"
Unless this is a particular fetish, she probably doesn't want the cock in her hips, she probably wants it in her vagina. Or cunt, if we're not being clinical, which we shouldn't.
vigorous:"I'll make you an ecstatic orgasm!"
Grammatically this just doesn't make sense, but what you're saying here is "I'll make you cum really hard". You could just say that.
cum_on_face:"This is a little degrading but I'll endure it for you, *YOU*!"
This is just my personal taste, but I generally don't like a girl feeling degraded, even if it's for me. I'd take out 'endure', which just sounds wordy. Maybe just say "I'll do it for *YOU*" instead.
swallow:"Actually I don't like to drink cum but since it's your wish..."
Again, personal taste, but I prefer "I want to drink your cum". Also, I'm not sure 'wish' seems natural if she's not, y'know, a genie. :) For this, I'd rephrase it as "Actually, I don't usually like the taste of cum, but if you want..."
drool:"There's another fluid running down my thighs right now!"
This is kind of a weird hentai/porn trope, but generally, even if a girl is really turned on and really wet, she's not gonna have it running down her thighs. Unless she's peed herself, which, again, if that's what you're going for... Or, I guess, if you want to go with the whole absurd hentai trope thing. It's kind of on the level of "Oh, your cock is going into my womb!" in that it's common in hentai, but not actually terribly physically likely in reality. :) Me, I'd leave it out entirely.
So yeah, that's why I took those lines out, and hopefully also explains the changes I made to the ones I left in.
