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Custom Dialogue: Serve

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by booster, Sep 23, 2011.

  1. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    Hey guys, this is my first dialogue for this awesome game! It's called: "Serve"

    About: The girl in it doesn't know you but she's about to give you a special service (why she does it is up to your imagination). You dont know why, but she REALLY seems to like you and tries to give you the best blowjob you ever had. In fact she's astoundingly good at it!

    I'd suggest to set his arm to "free" and her arms to "on his legs", because she's doing it completely voluntarily. To prevent boring repetitions in her lines I gave her a LOT to say! Accordingly you'll be able to play with this dialogue more than once ;)
    English isn't my native language. If you find any mistakes, just post them and I'll correct the txt -file.

    this is version 3, i deleted the old ones
    edit: version 4 includes the new dialogue actions and has additional lines
     

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  2. jwideman

    jwideman Potential Patron

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    That's some excellent work!
     
  3. WoodwardBernstein

    WoodwardBernstein Potential Patron

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    I know the OP's not a native speaker, so I edited this dialogue a little to make the language a little more natural. Mostly I replaced some of the dry, clinical names of stuff with more colloquial ones, rephrased a few lines, and cut out a couple that didn't work for me. Obviously this is based on my own preferences, but I figured others might appreciate it too.
     

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  4. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    Hi Woodward, thx for your help! I compared our versions and corrected mine here and there. You are right, my version sounds a little clinical. That was intended, after all she's a "professional" :P That's the reason why I left some things unchanged.

    These are the lines you deleted:
    general:"You have a drop of precum on your glans. Shall I lick it away?"
    general:"Can you feel the air sparkling between us?"
    resistance:"Your penis has such soft skin but it yet so hard!" (I've changed this one)
    pull_off:"Shall I suck harder? I want you to get a real good orgasm!"
    vigorous:"My mouth got wetter. I think you released some precum!"
    vigorous:"My hips would crave for a cock like this!"
    vigorous:"I'll make you an ecstatic orgasm!"
    cum_on_face:"This is a little degrading but I'll endure it for you, *YOU*!"
    swallow:"Actually I don't like to drink cum but since it's your wish..."
    drool:"There's another fluid running down my thighs right now!"

    I left them in my version for everyone who might enjoy them. Or are they totally wrong in some way?

    i`ve updated the first post with the newest version
     
  5. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    Well, if there's so little feedback, I assume there is no interest in my 2nd dialoge "persuadet"...
     
  6. Kinnerman

    Kinnerman Potential Patron

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    That's not it. it's just most that most of us just read and download and don't offer criticism or advice for writing better. But if you want advice the only thing I can tell you is to make the lines more natural. Some of these things sound like things that would never be said in real life such as the lines that you said WoodWard deleted in his revision. Plus some of the spelling and grammar was off. I really don't feel like listing it though but WoodWard got most of it...Anyway, back to my original point, just because there aren't comments doesn't mean people aren't interested. if you're only doing this to have people pay attention to work you do you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. You should be doing this for fun or your own personal use after all.
     
  7. Xiombarg

    Xiombarg Avid Affiliate

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    Feedback seems to be something of a rarity here, unless you manage to tread on someone's feelers ;)

    Look at all the Backgrounds I managed to post! 85, and only, what, 5 replies?

    Trust me! Don't let a lack of feedback slow you down!

    If the FLAMES start, then you have something to worry about ;)

    S'good stuff! I might even get inspired to write something myself one of these days...
     
  8. WoodwardBernstein

    WoodwardBernstein Potential Patron

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    Since you asked for feedback, I can give some specific comments on some of the lines I deleted.


    'Glans' is extremely clinical. If you wanna keep it, use 'cock head' or 'the head of your cock' or something like that. Go for colloquial/vulgar terms over clinical ones. Dirty talk sounds hot, talking about 'glans', 'labia', etc. makes it sound like a medical examination... which I guess could be hot if that's what you're going for. :)

    Sounds a bit fairytale. Again, maybe if that's what you're going for?

    Maybe it's just me, but 'soft skin' sounds kinda weird and maybe a little creepy.

    Despite the phrase 'sucking off', "sucking" as such is not something you really want in an actual blow-job.

    'precum' is way clinical, and to be honest, generally precum is like a few drops. It's highly unlikely the girl will notice a few extra drops in a mouth full of saliva and penis. Maybe she could mention the taste, I guess? She certainly wouldn't notice it when a drop comes out (it's really generally more of a steady but very gradual flow).

    Unless this is a particular fetish, she probably doesn't want the cock in her hips, she probably wants it in her vagina. Or cunt, if we're not being clinical, which we shouldn't.

    Grammatically this just doesn't make sense, but what you're saying here is "I'll make you cum really hard". You could just say that.

    This is just my personal taste, but I generally don't like a girl feeling degraded, even if it's for me. I'd take out 'endure', which just sounds wordy. Maybe just say "I'll do it for *YOU*" instead.

    Again, personal taste, but I prefer "I want to drink your cum". Also, I'm not sure 'wish' seems natural if she's not, y'know, a genie. :) For this, I'd rephrase it as "Actually, I don't usually like the taste of cum, but if you want..."

    This is kind of a weird hentai/porn trope, but generally, even if a girl is really turned on and really wet, she's not gonna have it running down her thighs. Unless she's peed herself, which, again, if that's what you're going for... Or, I guess, if you want to go with the whole absurd hentai trope thing. It's kind of on the level of "Oh, your cock is going into my womb!" in that it's common in hentai, but not actually terribly physically likely in reality. :) Me, I'd leave it out entirely.

    So yeah, that's why I took those lines out, and hopefully also explains the changes I made to the ones I left in.
     
  9. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    woodward, you're my hero! thanks for this big response, it helped me a lot and is a better feedback than i could have asked for!

    -actually i learned a lot of my porn-english from hentai so your presumptions where right! since the deepthroat-girl is hentai style too, i think it's appropriate here ;)
    -Can you feel the air sparkling between us? --> i've translated this from a german idiom and didn't consider that it would end in some strange sense :P in german it means "i can feel that there's something special between us". would maybe "Can you feel the air sizzling with erotism?" be better?
    -what would be the nonclinical word for precum then?
    -"vigorous:"My mouth got wetter. I think you released some precum!""--> the new line is: "I think you released some precum in my mouth!"
    -vigorous:"My hips would crave for a cock like this!" --> well, at least i crave for hips! maybe it's really some sort of fetish for me...
    -"I'll make you cum really hard"--> thanks, i replaced this with the existing line!
    -all in all, i changed a lot the way you suggested and now it's really way better! maybe you want to correct my next monologue too?
    -one last thing, you wrote: "pull_off:"Can I finger myself while I do this?"" -->the guy could answer "yeah i think you can but you're not allowed!". wouldn't "may" be better than "can"?
     
  10. Illusion-XIII

    Illusion-XIII Potential Patron

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    If I might throw in my $.04 (raised due to inflation).

    On the air sparkling, sizzling, there are some ways this could be worded that sound less awkward in English:

    "I feel a spark between us..."
    "I can feel my skin tingling at your touch..."
    "This is so hot... I'm getting goosebumps..."

    Anything with the air "sizzling" or "sparkling" ends up sounding more like it belongs in a romance novel. Even the "spark between us" line sounds more romantic than erotic, but of course, everyone has their own taste.

    And on the subject of taste: precum (ewww).. But seriously, I don't think there really is a "non-clinical" word for precum (one could certainly go more clinical with "pre-ejaculate" or "Cowper's fluid".. yeah, I didn't know before today either), but then I've never found the term to be counter-erotic, when used right (I think the phrase "released some precum" is the problem. "Release" just doesn't have a sexy sound in this case). I think the sentence in question could be worded a bit smoother and with a more sultry flavor:

    "Mmmm.. I can taste your salty pre-cum... someone's getting excited."
    "Ooh, was that a little squirt of pre-cum? A nice little taste... now I can't wait for the real thing."

    Anyway, that's my little editorial input. Overall, you do a good job of conveying character and personality, and with a little polish to buff out the distracting elements, it comes out pretty hot. I hope this helps.
     
  11. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    new, improved, serve version 4!
    including:
    -corrections of the old lines
    -new lines
    and last but not least -dialogue actions!

    in combination with the new "happy mode" it's a must for the convinced wanker!
    try it now, all your friends already have it! (you can find it in the first post)
     
  12. DevilJinKazama

    DevilJinKazama Potential Patron

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    For some reason, Firefox doesn't let me download the .txt files.
    It gives me some crap about a .php file when I click it to download..

    Anybody know how to fix that?
     
  13. Fjell

    Fjell Potential Patron

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    I also know the problem. Instead of downloading it you have to open it with the editor. Then save it as .txt File.

    Its since the last Firefox Browser update, i assume
     
  14. Digdug83

    Digdug83 Potential Patron

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    You can still use it as a .php file. Just save it and then open it with whatever you use to edit text files. SDT still knows what it is, although you'll need to rename it most likely.
     
  15. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    with the new dialogue actions available in v1.11.1b, I updated serve to version 4.1b. Is there already interest in it or should I wait with the upload for further versions of SDT with even more different dialogue actions?
     
  16. DearSfan31

    DearSfan31 Potential Patron

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    Dude I gotta tell u, u r awsome. U've done great work so far
     
  17. rle68

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    Im A FAN BOOSTER BUT YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY :)
     
  18. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    well, thank you very much :D
     
  19. MAGPIE

    MAGPIE Potential Patron

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    This is a dumb question but I have to ask. How can I set up a name for the girl? I checked the guide and put it in the right format in the code.txt file but no matter what it only shows the name of the in game girl (for example SD chan). Is there a specific place i have to put the "charName:_______;" command or does it not matter? can somebody help me out?
     
  20. zzaapp002

    zzaapp002 Club Regular

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    you can just change the name in the body code.

    If you don't have a text body code file to work from then...

    Generate the code in SDT on the modding panel, copy it to a txt note; change the CharName:SD-Chan to CharName:Whatver-You-Want.