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Schoolgirl

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by CatFish, Oct 13, 2011.

  1. CatFish

    CatFish Potential Patron

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    This is my first dialogue guys. Please give me you views on it. Thanks =3

    Edit 1:

    I have changed the dialogue to a more schoolgirlish one and fixed most grammatical errors. =3
     

    Attached Files:

  2. froggie

    froggie Potential Patron

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    Other than a few spelling and punctuation errors, it's very good!


    (If you'd like, I could send you my corrected one so you can compare.)
     
  3. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    to be honest: i think it's pretty boring. "schoolgirl" has a lot of potential, but your lines where just short monologues we all read a hundred times before. they indicate nearly nowhere that she is a schoolgirl and what the situation is.

    sorry i don't want to be mean, but that's my point.
     
  4. CatFish

    CatFish Potential Patron

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    Ye i know it was a bit bad, I made in 20 mins so I didn't have much time. Ill make some improvements today and see where it gets me. =3