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First Dialogue

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by Zero 7, Jul 18, 2012.

  1. Zero 7

    Zero 7 Potential Patron

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    So I figured I'd give the custom dialogue thing a try and here's what I finished and yes, it's not that great ( it may very well suck ) but I decided to upload it anyway just for the hell of it. Like it or hate it I guess cause I know you won't love it. I'll put more effort into my next one so try not to bash it too hard.
     

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  2. HentaiBob

    HentaiBob Avid Affiliate

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    Not bad, I like it :)

    Here are some little things you probably want to fix ;)

    1) general:"YOUR" cock is making *ME* so hot."
    -- One quotation mark too much and you miss the *

    2) general:"Can *ME* use her brests *ME*? She loves the way your cock feels between them."
    -- breasts

    3) general:"Can *ME* use her brests *ME*? She loves the way your cock feels between them."
    -- shouldn't it be *YOU* ?

    4) vigorous:"keep fucking *MY* throat *YOU*!"
    -- Keep ?

    5) wake:"*ME* is sorry she passed out *YOU*,she promises it won't happen again."
    -- You missed one empty space out

    6) cum_on_face:"Can *ME* taste in next time *YOU*?"
    -- "... taste it ..." ?

    7) cum_in_throat:"More, yes?
    -- You missed the last quotation mark

    8 ) cum_in_throat:"more... more cum *YOU*."
    -- More ?

    9) finish1:"Once isn't enoughis it *YOU*?
    -- enough is

    10) finish1:"Once isn't enoughis it *YOU*?
    -- Again the last quotation mark ;)


    I think this is a very solid first dialogue and a very good start (if you consider to continue) :D
    Keep it up!
    :)
     
  3. Zero 7

    Zero 7 Potential Patron

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    Thanks for the tips.
     
  4. AaRL

    AaRL Swell Supporter

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    Well for one, you could add triggers like arm movements and emotions. You just have one line that contains any triggers...