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Malfoy captures Hermione

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by FotherMucker, May 26, 2013.

  1. FotherMucker

    FotherMucker Potential Patron

    May 26, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Any HP fans? Here's my first dialogue. It's HP themed. In it, Malfoy captures Hermione and proceeds to give her the old face+boner treatment. THIS IS NOT A "WILLING" kind of relation. If you don't like that sort of thing, you might not like this. Though I don't think it's too hardcore. No more than the game itself is. Enjoy. Here's a screenie.


    Attached Files:

  2. Pim_gd

    Pim_gd Club Regular

    Jan 25, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Mind reuploading the file as a .txt?
    My computer is going nuts because the file doesn't have an extension.

    Ran the DialogueChecker on your dialogue:
    I found 2 issue(s) with your dialogue.
    Double comma (grammatical error) on dialogue line on line 32, col 6
    Line 32: held:",,,Can't... breathe..!"
    Double comma (grammatical error) on dialogue line on line 43, col 112
    Line 43: vigorous:"I could get used to this. Maybe the Dark Lord will let me keep you, Granger. We could do this everyday,,,"
    Just replace those ,,, with ... and that's those fixed!

    When I personally look over your dialogue I see a lot more issues, though. It's your first dialogue, so I guess you don't fully know how the dialogue scripting works. Let me help you with the lines that I see problems with.
    Line 3: initial_settings:{"THROAT":0,"rtimes":0,"gtimes":0,"IN":1,"MOOD":10,"vtimes":0,"ACC":0,"itimes":0,"CHANGE":2,"ftimes":0}
    Line 6: cum_in_throat:"Ugh,.."{"style":"Thought"}
    Line 11: first_throat:"You're hurting me! *sob* "
    Line 12: general:"Or maybe I'll do this to your friends... Been wanting to fuck that Weasley slut for ages... And give the Lovegood Loony to Crabbe and Goyle to share. They are not as good as I am, but they're much rougher, and not a picky..."{"style":"Him","next":"general"}
    Line 25: pull_off:"I have to say, though. Pansy could learn a thing or two from you, Granger,"{"style":"Him"}
    Line 27: pull_off:"Maybe I'll call the rest of the boys... Make this a regular house party..."{"style":"Him","next":"head_grabbed"}
    Line 35: held:"He's stretching my throat! It hurts!"{"style":"Thought","next":"first_dt"}
    Line 36: held:"I can't believe this is happening to me..."{"style":"Thought","held":"true","next":"first_dt"}
    Line 41: held:"Yeah, gag on this cock, you mudblood whore!"{"style":"Him","held":"true","next":"first_dt"}
    Line 3 - You're setting custom variables. Custom variables are used for controlling dialogue flow, like mood or the girl's behaviour/attitude. You don't need those - or atleast, you're not making any use of them. I suggest simply deleting this line.
    Line 6 - Personally, I think "Ugh,.." looks strange, and it should be "Ugh...", but that's my opinion. Do as you wish here.
    Line 11 - This is something I'm planning to add to the checker because I'm seeing it happen more and more often. You've tried to add a "soundeffect" of sorts by placing a bit of text between asterisks. The game can't do that. The game sees *sobs* as "insert variable sobs here, replacing *sobs*". So when the line plays, you don't see *sobs*. The rest of the line does play, however. To fix this, replace the "*" with "%2A". The game will convert it to * AFTER parsing the dialogue, so it doesn't try to put a variable in there anymore.
    Line 12 - This is your only general line, and you've added "next":"general" to it. This causes the line to loop, well, endlessly. It might be interrupted by some other line at some point, but that's probably going to be a (pre)cum line. So until the climax, players are stuck with that ONE line. Consider removing the loop by removing the "next", or try adding some more general lines.
    Line 25 - The line ends with ",". I think lines should end with ".", "?", "!" or "...", and alternatively "-" if it's an interrupted line. So I'd replace the ending comma with something else. But this is my opinion again - you can do as you wish here.
    Line 27 - You have put "next":"head_grabbed" here. But you don't have a head_grabbed line to play. Did you forget it, or is it some other line you were referring to?
    Lines 35, 36, 41 - Same thing here. You have put "next":"first_dt" here, but you don't have first_dt lines. This might be a trick, though - after playing one of these lines, the general line started playing. So maybe you can break out of intro lines like this, I don't know. To me this seems like a mistake, pointing to lines that don't exist.
    Overall, you've managed to avoid a lot of the common mistakes I tend to see. You've obviously tried to learn how it works, judging by the amount of things that seem to be referring to other dialogues (that's where the variables would come from, for instance).
    If you fix the things I mentioned and add a couple more lines (like a couple intro lines - the intro of the dialogue sets the "mood" for the whole dialogue, as it were. You can improve the dialogue with an intro because you engage the player in what is happening with lines like her-"What are you doing?! Get off!" and then him-"It seems you've lost your wand... but don't worry, I've got one extra." [Yes, I know, that's incredibly cheesy but use your imagination to make a good intro]), this could be a good dialogue.
  3. FotherMucker

    FotherMucker Potential Patron

    May 26, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Yes, I used the editor in the game itself to modify a default dialog. I fixed the triple comma problem, I was typing in the dark and mixed those up. I also corrected a couple of mistakes where the lines that malfoy is supposed to say are being said by Hermione instead. As for the rest, I'll try to correct it when I have a bit more time. Thanks for the positive feedback.

    Oh, and it's now in .txt. Not sure how I didn't notice it in the first place.
  4. Makutaproto

    Makutaproto Guest

    Where did you get the import for Hermione from?
  5. Hutsairb

    Hutsairb Potential Patron

    Sep 20, 2012
    Likes Received:
    It looks like a hue-shifted Nami hair, it's part of the game.
  6. Nightfyre

    Nightfyre Guest

    For some reason I cant get the dialogue to start
  7. Imperator

    Imperator Avid Affiliate

    Mar 9, 2011
    Likes Received:
    Pretty good idea and execution but I feel like more lines of dialogue are needed. More variation wouldn't hurt. But once again, I think it's rather well-made.
  8. Armageddonis

    Armageddonis Guest

    And here's my mod of Hermione: