So you want to be a zako?


Swell Supporter
Aug 23, 2014
DeviantArt Username
Meanwhile, Ariadne has heard of Jenessa's new title, and begins to formulate a secret plan to steal severed heads and skulls from wherever she can find them.
Wait, how are these two things correlated? Lol.

Random thought: Marco kind of reminds me of...
that guy from the adventuring party in the first episode of Goblin Slayer who's one of the first to get horribly mauled by hordes of goblins.


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
lol I haven't seen any of Goblin Slayer, but Marco definitely thinks he's a Main Character.

So I had some time to think about it and Amanda must be a nightmare to actually write for considering how different I made her.
Meh, it's fine. The way I was going to handle it is that mechanically, Amanda will still buff on her turn if no one's been hit (or try to, that -4 makes it likely that her "spells" will fail). I was either just not going to write those parts or have her buffs take the form of cheering the others on and just generally running interference. Either way, I'll give her a special shield icon so I can narrate the shield hits like a normal block/miss/parry.

Ultimately it's your call, though. No one has a better excuse for becoming an instant cleric than some isekai twerp. ;)

Re-reading the fate section, I realized it was rather vague on the part of how "She'll get hurt normally, but never enough to die." Basically, the idea I had that I never articulated is that she's not "really" in the fantasy world. Her body and soul are still in her original world, but the goddess made her mind control a puppet in this one. So basically, it's not that she won't die, she's not real enough to die, just get damaged. If that makes any sense. Meanwhile the goddess has taken over Amada's body in her world and is trying to figure out what the fuck an isekai is, but first needs to find out what anime is and how to use a computer.
This is the part that's still confusing. I get that she's not really "here", but do you mean she always gets back up when she "dies" like one of Tsukachan's unstoppable monsters, or does getting "killed" still end her adventure? Is the goddess keeping her here until she's learned her lesson? Is she sent into some other rando's body, or is her form more of an indestructible projection-type thing?

Henchgirl 29

Vivacious Visitor
Oct 1, 2018
Leanna Vanvathar (Elite Fighter 207/F):

Leanna comes from a peaceful wood elf tribe, and that's the problem. For 200 years she's longed to fight, and harming any living creature is considered taboo in her society. However, that hasn't stopped her from learning to wield a blade. With centuries of sword experience behind her belt, she left her home in search of greener more blood filled pastures. After a couple years on the road, she found this bandit gang and has decided to become a permanent member.

Leanna is strikingly beautiful, as well as strikingly full of herself. In her mind, nothing can stop her, as such hubris is her greatest weakness.

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Vivacious Visitor
Oct 3, 2018
The idea was just that she didn't die, but got injured as normal in her fake body until she learned her lesson. So any cuts or injuries were still there, it's just that she would heal from them like a (and at the rate a) normal person would; even if said injuries would have normally been lethal.

Now that I write it out, it's kinda dumb, so just kill her normally if you want. Sorry for making this confusing. I did not intend for this character to be such a special snowflake when I thought of her, I was just trying to make something funny.

As for the protection spells, your idea sounds great. Maybe instead of actually shielding she just says "look out!" or something.
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Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
No, it's fine! The rules are built to accommodate that, I just wasn't sure which one you wanted. Now that you've explained it, there's no problem at all. :)


Vivacious Visitor
Aug 6, 2015
Thunder echoed in the mountain valley: a summer storm was coming. As the rain began to pour, the rider looked above to the sky, frowning.

"We better be close, goblin" Giraud growled, as he covered his head with a dirty hood. He was riding a large black workhorse they stole in the last farm, too big to be actually comfortable to ride even for a man as large as the deserter, suited more to the plow orto pull a cart, but the calm creatured didn't protested to be used as a mount.

In the saddle, sitting in front of Giraud and dwarfed by him, embraced by the large bearlike arms of the man, shivered a young girl in a thin, dirty shirt. A captive of other day of raiding, rape and looting, that had the bad luck to be comely enough to be kidnaped by the band of deserters, to cook, clean and be used at their whim.

From the ground, down below, a malformed creature nodded to Giraud.

"Iz cloze, cloze" the goblin said. "The fort iz there, right there, juzt in the next turn"

When Giraud had surprised the goblin in the dry creek four days ago, and had grabbed his little disgusting neck and was ready to twist it like a twig, the goblin to save his life, spurred all over of the goblin fort from where he hauled from: a place that had been cleansed by adventurers of his clan, but he spoke how deep below the fort, there where dungeons and buried, untold riches.

Giraud didn't believed the stories of the goblin, but after the defeat of the Empire, the large company of mercenaries and deserters he was part from that roamed and robbed the countryside was all but lost, as their leaders fought each other in a bloody night for dominance, and splintered, the group he later had been part of was caught by a band of vengenful peasants and refugees, who killed some of the bandits and dispersed the rest.

He needed a place to set down for a while. And an abandoned goblin fort sounded better than many other places.

"Boss, what if it isn't empty?" Tristan asked, as he guided a mule with the only they had left, after weeks as marauders: two kegs of cheap wine and a large wheel of cheese.

Giraud looked at the young man. He really would be but a boy, but the former farmhand had grown quick, and that was why back in the day, when Giraud and his budies where still part of the Imperial Army, they took the stable boy by force and made him into a soldier. He wasn't very bright, but followed orders. And for all the simple and dimwithed he was, he had quickly developed a taste for looting and producing suffering.

The last town that Giraud and Tristan passed by -to go to the whorehouse, while they left their captive and goblin tied in the forest, so neither escaped- had a grim warning, to all wanna-be-bandits: hanging from the gallows, the bodies of the bandits of the Quinn Sisters, leaders of a bandit gang that had recently set camp in the area.

While the tavern goers boasted how the bounty hunter Moya single handely had defeated the whole bandit clan, and that all the Quinn sisters whre dead, speaking between whispers as well of price paid by the Guild of Alchemists for the bandit dryad -only body missing-, Giraud disregarded the warning of the gallows and the rumours, and the destiny of the goblin fort with a possibly leaderless bandit gang sounded even more promising back in that day

Giruad pointed the kegs of wine. "If it isn't empty the goblin fort, we will introduce ourselves. Nobody refuses some free wine."

Tristan nodded, and as the small group continued their journey, they saw the mole of the Goblin fort.

Giraud grinned with his croocked teeth. He hoped really, that there was still around the rest of the gang of the Quinn sisters... with their leaders gone, maybe it was now time for Giraud the Roughneck, to be the boss


Vivacious Visitor
Aug 6, 2015
Thought the Quinn Sisters Band could use some traditional bandits!

After cheese and wine, this group will be joining the party!
Name: Giraud the Roughneck
Age: 48
Race: Human
Personality: Cruel, without empathy or care. A mysogenist, who see women as mere tools, and gets grabby (and worse) if he have the chance. Above all, a bad person, sleazy and treacherous. However, he's isn't so blatant in his disregard of others, as long as they are useful. He have ambitions far beyond his meagre capabilities.
Appareance: A large, heavy man. Tall, with a black messy hair and a black beard thats beginning to be show some white. Croocked teeth and a mean expression in his square face, living in the road for months now give him a wild, dangerous look.
Background: Just other of the mercenaries and soldiers of the rable of the Empire (the same empire that served Leah, Mary and Elizabeth), and for all his life, since a child, had been a soldier. But not of a dignified kind of soldier. A routier, forager and scourge of the land kind of soldier, who between wars more than once had taken the role of a bandit, before joining the next war.
He deserted after the last defeat of the empire with a larger group, that splintered.
Role: Incompetent Fighter (Cludgel mace and a small, round wooden shield)
Fate: Kill the bastard.

(Seeing a large woman dominated band, as soon he set in, he would probably soon try to challenge leadership and try to become himself the leader of the gang. Somehow I don't think that would go well for him at all!)

Name: Andaragashkat. Normally people only call him the Goblin, Gob or Gobbo
Age: unknown, but an adult goblin, older than younger
Race: Goblin.
Personality: He is quickly to bow to these in power and be a lackey to them, and to be a tyrant and abuse power to anybody under him. Cunning and treacherous, a coward who have all above his own survival.
Appareance: Small, croocked and stands almost like a gorilla, with his long arms almost reaching the ground and croachin. Ugly even for goblin standards, have a nasty looking rash on most of his skin.
Background: A native inhabitant of the Goblin Fort that the Quin Sisters band had taken as their home, serving whatever power was deep below in it's secret chambers, he survived and escaped when it was attacked by adventurers.
Role: Average Ranger (armed with couple of javelins and a broad knife)
Fate: Death or Desertion

(I think it could be interesting if they use Quin Sisters band ask the goblin to know more to know of their fort and what lies deep below. He's prone to lie, and try to be in cahoots with somebody else, if it can mean for him to take back his ancestral homes from the band he had no loyalty too)

Name: Tristan the Stableboy
Age: 14
Race: Human
Personality: A simple dimwith, is somehow divided in two parts: innocence and crime. He does as ordered, no matter what. While hes normally joyful and could appear he can't hurt a fly, when ordered he can do the worse, and became naturalized with death, violence and pain caused in his life as bandit. To "harden him up", the other deserters made him to be the torturer and executer of the farmers when they plundered their farmsteads, to make they confess the locations of their meagre riches and stashes of food. He's a drunk, and have Giraud as a sort of very messed up father figure.
Appareance: He was picked by the Empire for being large for his age. With big hands, greasy blonde hair, a face full of pimples, with no chin and a permanent bovine expression.
Background: a Stableboy of no known father, worked as a farmhand in a farm that was unfortunate enough to be on the path of the Empire. The farm was razed, the owners, hanged, and Tristan had "the honour" to became a levy for the empire. After the defeat of the Empire, he followed the deserters because he was ordered too. As a bandit, he did what he was told to do, no matter the horror it meant.
Role: Incompetent Fighter (Mace and a large knife)
Fate: Death.

(If Giraud dies before him, he will then come to follow up orders of anybody else in command of the Quin Sisters band. He will probably fall in love with some of the bandits, but if/when rejected, could come to be very violent)

Name: Aceline
Age: 16
Race: Human
Personality: What had been the personality of a carefree, happy girl was destroyed by the abuse. Meek and submissive, she had come to accept her destiny (for now). She believes herself tainted, and that she doesn't deserve to go back to her previous life. She may look defeated, but still have a strong will of survival.
Appareance: A peasant beauty, with long blonde hair and freckles. She had a beautiful smile, but now rarely smiles.
Background: Aceline was a serf, living in the small family farm, until the farm was found by the deserters, before the group run into the angry refugees that ended dispersing the gang. A peasant beauty, this was her curse, as she was taken as a captive along with the rest of the loot, to do the chores for the deserters (cooking, washing, cutting wood, etc) and be used by the outlaws. As the gang was destroyed, Giraud took her with him. In this smaller gang, she was made not only into a victim, but as well coerced her to be a criminal, commiting crimes for the band.
Role: Elite thief (unarmed)
Fate: Death,but if she can, she will try to surrender, as she isn't there in her own.

(She hates Giraud, the goblin and Tristan, but does as they command her to do. If somebody of the gang tries to approach in a too friendly way Aceline, taking pitty on her, would result in Giraud or Tristan reacting violently. But if Giraud dies before she does, she will be free of his chains, and if she becomes friends with somebody in the band, may become a willing bandit, if this becomes a sort of twisted family to her. If not, she would probably try to desert)


Vivacious Visitor
Mar 6, 2016
When she meets eyes with Aceline, Naomi feels an instant kinship with her. She doesn't know exactly why, but seeing what Aceline looks like and who she's been traveling with, Naomi is pretty sure she knows. She resolves to do everything in her power to get Aceline away from her 'companions', with violence if necessary. For the immediate future, though, she does her damnedest to help Aceline not feel so alone.


Swell Supporter
Dec 3, 2010
I ain't participatin'(I can't kill my own creations let alone let them be killed, I'd get sad) but if any of you guys are hurting for visual representation I'd help out, just beware the limitations cause I'm an HS guy.


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
I ain't participatin'(I can't kill my own creations let alone let them be killed, I'd get sad) but if any of you guys are hurting for visual representation I'd help out, just beware the limitations cause I'm an HS guy.
Wow, awesome! Thanks!

And JSYK, there are two non-lethal options for your zako. The first keeps them in the game permanently. No matter what happens to them, they only ever get knocked out or injured in a non-fatal way.

The second way is the same, but they desert, either before or after going down. This removes them from the game without actually killing the character. (Sorry it's been forever since I've updated the OP. I should have probably started a new thread when S2 began.)


Vivacious Visitor
Mar 6, 2016
Just so everyone knows, y'all can write my characters' interactions with your own if you'd like, just try to keep mine in-character and let me write their reactions to significant events.


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
Thanks to the efforts of Neve and the others, Mercedes is beginning to recover emotionally. She's even back to singing and laughing and wrestling and stuff. However, she's spending even less time sober than usual.

With Neve on-hand to fuss over her, Mary recovers quickly. She works hard, spending her every waking moment practicing her archery. Rain gives her some pointers as well, which she isn't too proud to take to heart, seeing as Rain is so much better than her. Rain is a little rusty though, and benefits from the practice as well.

+5 XP for Mary, +3 XP for Rain and Neve

11/22/18, Toxic Masculinity

With the cheese and wine, Giraud and his party make a good first impression. Their second, third, and fourth impressions are less good, however, and it doesn't take long for the mostly-female bandit gang to sour on the new arrivals. Giraud isn't an idiot, though. He tried not to overplay his hand, but he failed to consider how poorly they would take his treatment of Aceline. Naomi in particular will have none of it, and challenges Giraud to duel.

Jenessa agrees, on the condition that they don't use weapons.

Naomi (Average Fighter, 18/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)

Giraud (Incompetent Fighter, 48/M): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)

Giraud fights dirty right from the start. He swings at Naomi before they've even been told to begin to fight. Naomi sidesteps, grabbing his arm and throwing him to the ground.

Giraud gets up, surprised and maybe a little shaken. Naomi let's him, although she doesn't actually help him up. She's now aware of how much weaker the old man is than her, and figures that, if Jenessa won't let her kill the brute, the next best thing will be to humiliate him in front of everyone.

She turns her back on him, theatrically blowing kisses to the other, cheering bandit girls. She pretends not to notice as Giraud gets up and rushes in for another sucker punch. It's a trap, of course, she's goaded him into doing this. Instantly, she rounds on him and demolishes his nuts with a knee to the groin. Before Giraud can even process what's happened, he finds himself on his back in the dirt again. The wind fully knocked out of him this time.

Naomi follows this up by smashing his face with a downward strike from the same knee that destroyed his balls. This time, Giraud doesn't get back up again. He'll wake up to find his nose broken, his front teeth missing, and serious bruising to the nads. The healers will fix him up, of course, but he may have to ask them.


1: Krista (Average Ranger, 22/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
2: Mercedes (Average Fighter, 20/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
3: Princess (Incompetent Thief, 16/F): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 7 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
4: Sasha (Elite Fighter, 25/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 16 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
5: Alice (Incompetent Monk, ?/F): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine)
6: Elena (Average Ranger, 26/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine)
7: Jenessa (Elite Fighter, 22/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 16 Def, Lv. 1, 2/10 XP (Fine)
8: Kuroneko (Elite Thief, 20/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 17 Def, Lv. 1, 2/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
9: Amuria (Unlucky Healer, 22/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine) <333
10: Meredith (Elite Monk, 34/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 16 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL

11: Desti (Average Fighter, 21/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 6/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
12: Mary (Average Ranger, 21/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 9/10 XP (Fine)
13: Neve (Average Healer, 20/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Fine)
14: Rain (Elite Ranger, 26/F): 16/16 HP, +7 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine)
15: Ariadne (Average Thief, 19?/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 12 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
16: Naomi (Average Fighter, 18/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
17: Raquelle (Incompetent Fighter, 19/F): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
18: Marco (Incompetent Fighter, 18/M): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
19: Xylia (Average Fighter, 25/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
20: Gnorg (Average Fighter, 18/F): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)

21: Amanda (Incompetent Healer, ?/F): 4/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
22: Leanna (Elite Fighter, 207/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 16 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
23: Giraud (Incompetent Fighter, 48/M): 0/4 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Unconscious)
24: Gobbo: (Average Ranger, ?/M): 8/8 HP, +1 Atk, 11 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
25: Tristan (Incompetent Fighter, 14/M): 8/8 HP, -4 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
26: Aceline (Elite Thief, 16/F): 16/16 HP, +6 Atk, 17 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)

According to the terms of the duel, Aceline now "belongs" to Naomi. Whatever that means.

+1 XP for Naomi and Giraud
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Vivacious Visitor
Mar 6, 2016
Right after Naomi finishes the fight, Ariadne makes a pun about Giraud no longer being a threat, what with him being toothless now. She immediately regrets it, remembering too late what he's done to Aceline. She tries to think of something funny, but can't, and so just apologizes. She decides to make sure that Giraud won't be a threat any longer by threatening retribution should anything happen to Naomi or Aceline - once he wakes up.

Naomi, after ensuring that no blood stained her trouser leg, takes Aceline to get her a warm bath, a good meal, and some new clothes. She asks for Aceline's OK before even taking her hand, only doing so once she's given consent. As they speak to each other, they walk off, Naomi guiding Aceline to the bathing area.

Neve will not help Giraud. Or, she decides, Tristan, should anything happen to him. She was expelled from her order for killing a man like Giraud, but it's perfectly alright with her order's vows if she simply doesn't help him. And if he does try something, well, Naomi's already shown an ability to take care of him. If he happens to charge Neve with a knife while Naomi's around, Jenessa would have to forgive her for killing the man. Especially if there are no other witnesses.
Until then, though, she'll continue to do her best to help Mercedes, as well as Aceline, should her help be required.


Vivacious Visitor
Aug 6, 2015
"Murder!" the scream echoed in the goblin fort, followed by uncontrolable sobbing. "Murder!" yelled Tristan, his face full of tears, more cleary than ever now that despite all, he's just a boy, as he rushed to Jenessa's quarters, to warn her.

After the duel that ended with Giraud knocked out cold on the floor, the band that had witnessed the very earned lesson of the bastard left to do their own. Tristan rushed to see if he was okey, and upon seeing his injuries, sprinted after the healers, to see if he could convince somebody to help his mentor. Lacking however the charisma, and due the bad reputation of Giraud, he failed to do so.

So picking up a bucket of clean water, he went back to the place of the duel... find Giraud dead, in a pool of his own blood. While knocked out, somebody had sliced his neck, stabbed his belly and eyes, and cut his balls, later placing them in his toothles mouth. Hopefully in that order.

"Murder!" Tristan cried to Jenessa. In his incoherent blumbling, he's first to blame Naomi for the crime: however, everybody knows she went to take a bath with Aceline, so she clearly isn't the one to blame. He then remembers Ariadne's threats, and acuses then Ariadne as the culprit to Jenessa. But as few take pity on the death of Giraud, he begins to suspect of everybody.


Deep in a dwell, in the lower levels of the goblin fort, Andaragashkat "Gobbo" the goblin finished cleaning himself from the blood of Giraud. He had tossed the knife from the kitchen in the dwell, and knew that no one had seen him do it. "That's the first one to pay" the goblin thought, as he looked the caverns of his ancestral home, remembering the echoes of the laughter of little goblins that once were to be heard in the keep. "The others will do as well, someday."


Aceline sighed, as Naomi asked to take her hand. She had been there before. Several times by now. One bandit after other, fighting themselves and taking her as their own price. And by now, she knows what they want. So she puts her act together, and with a smile, take Naomi's hand. Of course she have to act the willing part, for this new "savior". It was the first time with a woman, but she disregard the thought. Bandits are bandits, and all want the same.

As they reach the bathing area and they began to undress, she makes her move, taking advances on Naomi, and going for a kiss, knowing well that from there to follow and reciprocate all her new owner decides to do.


Swell Supporter
Aug 23, 2014
DeviantArt Username
-Jenessa: "Of course I didn't want anyone to kill Giraud. I didn't exactly like him anymore than the next guy, but I understand strength in numbers is important for any bandit. I probably would have sent him on a suicide mission first chance I got, but someone went and mucked that up, so now we've got drama. I don't know who killed him and I don't really care. Now I just want the farmboy out of our hair. And even worse... We're running low on mead! How the hell's a girl supposed to get a drink around here? Everyone's coming to me with their problems, but I got problems too eh? I ain't even claimed to be leader, I'm just a general. *downs a flask* Dammmit! That's the last of my stashed whiskey too..."

-Elena spends some time with Leanna, happy to have another elf around the camp. Leanna, as a much older elf, talks down to Elena a bit, which bothers her, but overall she learns some valuable lessons from her elf-kin and doesn't regret befriending her. In unrelated events, Elena concedes that even if the Princess was a problem, she is probably much less of a threat than the potential threat of the goblin and stable-boy. She still keeps an eye on the Princess though, just in case...

-Alice was dared by Ariadne to try to seduce the goblin. Alice took one look at him and said "Nope. I may be a succubus, but even I have standards." Several bandits found this hilarious, but what they didn't know was that they were only making and spiteful little goblin even angrier.

lol I haven't seen any of Goblin Slayer, but Marco definitely thinks he's a Main Character.
The guy from Goblin Slayer thought so too... for approximately half an episode, before he died and his childhood friend was raped and traumatized by goblins. Quite a first episode twist, that one!
I ain't participatin'(I can't kill my own creations let alone let them be killed, I'd get sad) but if any of you guys are hurting for visual representation I'd help out, just beware the limitations cause I'm an HS guy.
Hi Weoooo, what's up? If you want involved somehow other than creating your own characters, Might I suggest you try your hand at some of the underrepresented existing ones, if people are up for it I suppose? Or perhaps visualizing some of the fight scenes? Just last page Kayfabe wrote some really cool ones. Or you could even just make your own character anyway, as we actually do have many who don't die. I don't know, just go nuts! We're a pretty open environment here in Kayfabe's fun little zako game. We're all pretty much up for anything!
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Vivacious Visitor
Mar 6, 2016
The kissing is welcome, but after a bit Naomi stops it, and begins to explain. Rather than a time for lewd activities, she'd intended for the bath to be a sort of 'rebirth' for Aceline, where they could both talk as equals. Her intentions for Aceline were not for her as a belonging, but to help her recover from her abuse and live for herself again. After she's explained everything to Aceline, she asks if Aceline would like her to leave, and keep watch at the entrance to ensure that nobody disturbs her until she's ready.

Ariadne begins sharpening her knife. She's going to be keeping an eye on Tristan, and probably the little goblin too. She knows that she didn't kill Giraud, and the other two who seemed to dislike him the most (Neve and Naomi) both have rock-solid alibis. From her life on the streets, she suspects the new members, the unknown elements, the most. But, never one to miss out on an opportunity, she remembers where they dump Giraud so she can come back and steal his skull later.

Rain continues camouflaging her sleeping location, being even more careful now that there's a murderer on the loose in the fort. Well, another murderer, anyway.

Neve begins carrying a knife from the kitchen, hidden in one of her sleeves. She doesn't trust any voluntary associates of the kind of man Giraud was, and that includes the goblin.


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
I'm loving all this drama, guys! It's delicious, and it really makes my job easier, lol.

On that note, I'm going to be trying something (slightly?) different with the game mechanics. When I first started this, I was going for maximum simplicity so the encounters could be automated/simulated in a "fair" way, but each thing I did to streamline the fights also made them harder to balance without adding a billion extra dice rolls to them. I won't go into too much detail, I just hate using multi-attacks as a way to keep your antagonists competitive with the zako mobs. It works, but it's a brute-force solution that has me rolling dice all day. I've also tried treating Team Zako as a single character with a shared hit point pool (incompetents go down first, then averages, etc.), but that got messy as soon as there were actual specialists for me to keep track of.

Yadda yadda, where am I going with all of this? Basically, I've decided to stop trying to reinvent the wheel, and am going to use a very pared-down version of the D&D 5th Edition rules from here on out. It won't change anything about how your characters "feel" (at least it won't in this campaign) and it won't change how I narrate the encounters. The only reason I'm even telling you this is so you won't get confused once the roster looks different and has a bunch of unintelligible notes that only I will understand. :)


Vivacious Visitor
Oct 3, 2018
Elite Mage​
Aria was a top student at a prestigious mages college, getting top marks, heading the student council, and even being a star of some odd competitive broomstick sport... That is, until she was expelled for using banned love potions on the boy she liked. Love potions are highly illegal in her home territory, as they are essentially a slight refinement of enslavement magics, and she fled to this bandit camp in an attempt to avoid prosecution.
She spends most of her time brewing potions and playing around with spells. Her specialty is the very banned love magics that got her chased out of her home in the first place. She thinks that love, like anything else, should be bottled up and sold as a commodity. She also sees no issue with selling love to people who simply seek to use it to get something out of the victims, such as money or status.
Since most of the people around her are mere bandit rabble, she sees no issue with using them to test her potions and spells. The few exceptions are those she considers high class (And therefore might get her out of this) and those she thinks will probably kill her once it wears off. She also refuses to sell it to any bandits for the simple fear of it being used on herself. If used in any operation, she'll watch the whole batch like a hawk.

Since love potions are forbidden, someone who knows how to make them can be highly valuable. She may very well be kidnapped by nobles seeking to use her talents to quiet a riotous population, or get rid of political opposition. Some bounty hunters may be mixed in with groups attacking the bandit camp if word gets out about her presence here.

She'll probably wake up in some basement somewhere being forced to mass produce the stuff until she croaks or is caught. Until then, though, she has a bit of freedom as a wanted bandit and dark mage.
I'm a total nerd for tabletop mechanics and would love to hear details if you don't mind telling.
Last edited:


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
11/23/18, Banditing

This is it, the big day. Elena spots a merchant caravan heading south, towards the city. She sends a pigeon to Jenessa, who puts together a team. The bandits draw straws to determine that Amanda, Leanna, Mercedes, Ariadne, Amuria, Naomi, Meredith, Elena, and Princess will be going with her. The rest of the gang will hold the fort. They make it there with time to spare, and they use that time to get everybody in position. Unlike a lot of the other members, Jenessa has done this before. She doesn't color outside the lines. The ambush is very by-the-book. Not that there's a book, of course.

The trap is sprung, and the three-wagon caravan finds itself surrounded bandits. Three pairs of mercenary girls are guarding the caravan. One pair per wagon. The merchants and various other travelers panic, dive for cover, or flee into the woods, but the caravan guards stand ready to fight!

1: Amanda (Incompetent Healer, ?/F): 4/4 HP, -2 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
2: Leanna (Elite Fighter, 207/F): 12/12 HP, +6 Atk, 14 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine)
3: Mercedes (Average Fighter, 20/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
4: Ariadne (Average Thief, 19?/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 12 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
5: Amuria (Unlucky Healer, 22/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine) <333
6: Naomi (Average Fighter, 18/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine)
7: Meredith (Elite Monk, 34/F): 12/12 HP, +6 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 0/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
8: Elena (Average Ranger, 26/F): 8/8 HP, +4 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine)
9: Princess (Incompetent Thief, 16/F): 4/4 HP, -2 Atk, 8 Def, Lv. 1, 1/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
10: Jenessa (Elite Fighter, 22/F): 12/12 HP, +6 Atk, 14 Def, Lv. 1, 2/10 XP (Fine)

1: Caravan Guard A (27/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def
2: Caravan Guard B (29/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def
3: Caravan Guard C (21/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def
4: Caravan Guard D (18/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def
5: Caravan Guard E (27/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def
6: Caravan Guard F (32/F): 9/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def


Leanna rushes Guard C. She stabs the red-head in her pale, naked belly, the tip of her rapier coming out through her lower back. The girl grunts, then moans. "Huh-uwaaaAAAHHH!" Her moan turns into a scream as Leanna pulls her sword out again. The guard's free hand goes to cover her gushing wound, but she's bleeding badly. She staggers backwards, and Leanna helps her to the ground with a well-placed kick. "Oof!"

Naomi goes for the first one, A, the green-haired, topless caravan guard. She nicks the slutty mercenary with her spear, but only gets her in the upper arm. Mercedes wades in to back her up, but green hair parries with her sword.

Jenessa goes for the youngest one, D, the dark and topless one with the flat chest and dark green pigtails. The teenager yelps and dives out of the way of her swing, rolling into a defensive position.

Guard E is pale with light brown hair and a pair of buns. Like A, she's short and small and not very strong, but unlike A, she doesn't have any spunk at all. She loses her nerve immediately once the battle begins. She runs, or tries to. Meredith catches her face with an open palm and slams her backwards into the side of one of the wagons. "Mu-ahh!" she moans. Meredith responds by unleashing a devastating combo directly to the meek girl's stomach. She finishes by slamming her knee into the girl's abdomen. Her insides are completely destroyed. There's no way she can survive this, but all she can think about is how much it hurts as she pitches forward to land ass-up in the dirt. Meredith leaves her to cough, retch, moan a little, and generally feel sorry for herself while she dies.

Guard D, brown, flat, and slender, is maybe one of the best of the caravan guards, despite also being the youngest. She's holding her own against the Princess, and while that isn't necessarily saying much, she's doing it while also fighting Ariadne. The guard feints, tripping Princess up. Ariadne, in turn, trips over Princess and both of them land in a writhing heap. She's about to skewer both of them when Ariadne counters, striking out blindly. "Ah!" She gets the girl in her sword arm. It's only a flesh wound, but it's enough to make her thrust go wide. Princess is still stabbed in the end, but it's a superficial wound to the leg.

Guard B is pale, with a flat chest and long, black pigtails. She wears a top despite her small chest. "Damn you!" She charges Meredith, who sidesteps the attack. "I'll slaughter you like a fucking cow!"

Guard F, the apparent leader of the troupe, has an enormous rack. The bouncing and jiggling of said rack is possibly why she is able to catch Leanna offguard. She slashes Leanna across the belly, sending leaves and elf blood everywhere. "HEEAGH!" Luckily it's a shallow wound, and Leanna's guts are all where they're supposed to be. She'll live. The same can't be said for her costume though. Its been cut, and right where the whole thing holds together. It falls to bits.

Ariadne and Princess are in a tight spot. Princess is panicking, flailing and kicking on top of Ariadne, and preventing either from getting up. Guard D, switching to her off-hand, is preparing to skewer both at once. At the last moment, Amanda dives in front of her, impaling herself on the brown girl's blade. Ariadne and Princess are spared (for now) but Amanda has been stabbed clear through the middle.

This is it, she thinks. Maybe she'll wake up back in the real world... She blacks out.

Guard D is busy trying to remove her sword from Amanda's limp and apparently lifeless body. While she does this, Ariadne throws Princess off of her and struggles to her feet.

"Help!" cries Princess. "Help, my leg! Don't leave me! Oh, it's you. Thank goodness!" Princess calms down as Amuria kneels next to her and casts a quick spell. One flash of pale blue-green light later and Princess' leg is as good as new.

As soon as she composes herself, Leanna looks around for a foe. The big-breasted guard who destroyed her outfit is now busy fighting Jenessa, but Guard B, the one with the long black pigtails, looks like she's about to kill Meredith. Leanna rushes in, not necessarily to save the big amazon, but because a distracted target is an easy target. Her strike is low. She skewers the pale girl's left thigh, turning the girl's intense, focused expression into one of explosive fear and pain.

Amanda gasps. Her eyes snap open. She's awake. Awake and alive, apparently, and only a few seconds after she blacked out. She's bleeding badly, and she can barely move, but she finds that if she really tries, she can crawl. Painfully, she rolls herself over, and slowly crawls away from the fight...

Busty Guard F is an incredible fighter. She is single-handedly fighting off Princess, Ariadne, Jenessa, and now Meredith, who sees no sport in fighting a foe so grievously wounded as Guard B. "These aren't natural, you know!" She laughs, teasing her four opponents and deliberately shaking her breasts at them. She feints. "The potion was really expensive, too!" Parry. "Do you wanna know how I could afford it?" Dodge. "By SELLING the HEADS of COWS LIKE YOU!"

"Shut up," says Elena, under her breath. From all the way at the treeline, she looses an arrow. Her aim and timing are perfect. The arrow strikes Guard F right in the heart, snapping the chain that held her metal bikini top together. With her huge fat tits now on display, she looks down at them, and at the arrow buried deep between them.

Jenessa shrugs. "They are nice." She nods.

"Oh..." Guard F collapses in a heap, dead before she hits the ground.

Guard D, dark and topless, is finally ended by Mercedes. She's not as good with her off-hand, and Mercedes disarms her with a forceful parry. "No!" says the girl. She raises her hands. "No, wait!" But Mercedes doesn't listen. She slashes the girl across her belly. "Ugh! Uw-uh, AHHH!" She staggers backwards, doubling over and trying to keep her guts inside. Her naked butt, flossed by the thong of her "armored" bottom, smacks roughly against the dirt road's surface. "Ugh... I'm dying... Ugh..." She rocks back and forth, crying. Tears and everything. Doomed and knowing it.

"AHHH!" Ariadne's luck has just run out. The topless, green-haired caravan guard (A), has her sword buried in Ariadne's guts. Ariadne screams and moans, writhing on the end of her sword, but she's also gripping Guard A's arms. And her foe, already wounded by Naomi's spear, is too weak to pull herself free. "Stop it!" She grunts. Her expression turns from bloodlust to anger to panic. "Stop it! Let me go!"

"Eat... shit..." says Ariadne.

Spear raised, Naomi sees this, and marches forward.

"No! Wait!"

Naomi ignores the pleas of the green-haired girl. With one smooth, precision strike, she opens her throat with the tip of her spear. Ariadne releases her after that, allowing the girl to stagger backwards. Guard A clutches at her gushing throat. Her lips move, but all that comes out are moaning gurgles, gurgling moans, and lots and lots of blood. It gushes, running down the green-haired girl's bare chest. She gives Naomi one last, hateful glare before collapsing, hoping to see her in hell real soon.

"Oh." Leanna watches all of this. She has Guard B by the long pig tails, who's kneeling at her feet, defeated. "I guess we're not taking prisoners then." Her rapier whistles, and Guard B collapses, pierced through one ear and out the other.

1: Amanda (Incompetent Healer, ?/F): 0/4 HP, -2 Atk, 6 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Wounded) NO KILL
2: Leanna (Elite Fighter, 207/F): 3/12 HP, +6 Atk, 14 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine)
3: Mercedes (Average Fighter, 20/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Fine)
4: Ariadne (Average Thief, 19?/F): 0/8 HP, +2 Atk, 12 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Dying)
5: Amuria (Unlucky Healer, 22/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Fine) <333
6: Naomi (Average Fighter, 18/F): 8/8 HP, +2 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Fine)
7: Meredith (Elite Monk, 34/F): 12/12 HP, +6 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 3/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
8: Elena (Average Ranger, 26/F): 8/8 HP, +4 Atk, 10 Def, Lv. 1, 6/10 XP (Fine)
9: Princess (Incompetent Thief, 16/F): 4/4 HP, -2 Atk, 8 Def, Lv. 1, 4/10 XP (Fine) NO KILL
10: Jenessa (Elite Fighter, 22/F): 12/12 HP, +6 Atk, 14 Def, Lv. 1, 5/10 XP (Fine)

1: Caravan Guard A (27/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)
2: Caravan Guard B (29/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)
3: Caravan Guard C (21/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)
4: Caravan Guard D (18/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)
5: Caravan Guard E (27/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)
6: Caravan Guard F (32/F): 0/9 HP, +4 Atk, 15 Def (Dead)

The bandits spare the non-combatants. Most of them have fled into the forest anyway. The first order of business is saving Ariadne, which Amuria is able to do without too much trouble. She also heals Amanda and Leanna. After that, the bandits simply drive all three wagons back to their fort, horses and all.


Avid Affiliate
Sep 25, 2018
I'm a total nerd for tabletop mechanics and would love to hear details if you don't mind telling.
I'm actually really bad at math and clueless about theoretical gaming. But I'm fascinated by random outcomes, especially as they pertain to the zako fetish. Running a simulated combat encounter (now in an extremely bare-bones, grid-map version of D&D 5e) lets me write zako fiction quickly and not just stare at a blank Word document for hours. But if you want to play at home, here's how it works:

At first level, average zakos have 8 hit points. Regardless of what kind of weapon they're using, the damage die is always a d8. Rather than ability scores, I have what I call an "ability core", which for average zakos is 0 plus their proficiency bonus. Incompetents have a -4 ability core, while elites have a +4. Averages have a +0. Proficiency means that all tiers will get better as they level up, but even elite zakos are still just zakos. The idea is to create an environment with VERY HIGH turnover, while still preserving the POSSIBILITY that a zako will survive and thrive. That possibility increases as they gain levels. Incompetents gain +1 HP per level. Averages gain 5 HP, and elites gain 5+4.

Elites hit harder, are more likely to hit, less likely to be hit, and can take more damage. Incompetents are the opposite.

Luckies and unluckies LOOK like average zakos statistically, but they have advantage/disadvantage on all rolls, and attacks against them have disadvantage/advantage.

When hit, fighters can use a free action to attempt to block or parry the attack. It's basically a saving throw, and the DC is the passive attack score of the attacker. For example, let's say Jenessa tried to punch Mercedes. Mercedes has a defense (AC) of 10 (+0 Ability), but as a fighter, she gets a free chance to guard. Jenessa has a +6 to hit, which translates into a passive attack rating of 16. This means that if Mercedes rolls a 16 or better, she'll block the attack without taking damage.

Monks attack twice.

Thieves add their proficiency bonus to their defense. Theoretically, a high level thief (especially an elite) should be very hard to hit.

Rangers start with a free +2 attack bonus, regardless of level or ability.

Healers can heal an ally for 1d8+Ability hit points OR cast Protect, which grants a one-time shield against attacks. Protects don't stack, and they go away after absorbing a hit (regardless of the damage roll). They don't pop if the attack was a miss though.

Mages RANDOMLY cast an AoE attack spell, a disabling spell, or a domination spell. On the attack spell, EVERY enemy must make a saving throw (DC being the mage's passive attack) or take 1d8+Ability damage. On a failed save, the second spell randomly either inflicts poison (target takes 1d8 damage on each of its next turns), blindness (Attack is halved), paralysis (defense is halved), or sleep (target misses their turn). Domination spells turn hostiles into friendlies. All of the debuffs can wear off at the end of the victim's turn if they make the saving throw.

When combat begins, both sides roll for initiative. Initiative modifier is the average level of each side rounded down (minimum of +1). For maximum randomness, I use a RNG to determine who goes first (on each side) and who they target, but this can get VERY tedious. Especially when there's a lot of zakos on both sides. I recommend just going down the list or in a tactical order if you want to do things other than roll dice. But whatever you do, do the same with both sides. If the PCs go down the list, so do the enemies. If the PCs use tactics, so do the enemies. Personally, I would either go in a random order or down the list. Otherwise, there's nothing stopping the enemy from going for the healers first.

When someone gets reduced to 0 HP, roll a d4. On a 4 they're wounded and unable to fight. On a 3, they're seriously wounded, but will survive as long as their side wins or they get evacuated. 2 they're doomed, but in a way that will involve a lot of sexy carrying on and, potentially, a timely heal. Roll a 1 and they're instantly dead. Not even the healers can save them.

I cap my groups at 10 zakos on either side, or a "legendary" character (enemy hero) that is the equivalent of a certain number of zakos. Legendary characters (not playable) are like a homogeneous zako mob with a shared hit point pool. For example, an "average legendary zako" (what nonsense, right?) of magnitude 3 has 24 hit points and can make 3 attacks on their turn (assuming they aren't a monk). But for each 8 hit points she loses, she can make one less attack. 3 attacks until she hits 16 or fewer. One attack at 8 or fewer HP.

I uh... don't even know what I'm leaving out. I should really have this written down somewhere. Feel free to ask me anything!
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