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Runaway Girl

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by TetsuyaHikari, Oct 15, 2011.

  1. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Well, I just finished up my newest dialogue, heh. So, let me tell you a little bit about it. The basic idea is, you have picked up a runaway girl and are offering her shelter, however..you realize she doesn't have any money on her. All she has on her are the clothes on her back.

    After discussing the situation, you both come to an agreement that she would offer a different form of payment for your hospitality. She's inexperienced though, so don't be expecting her to do this entirely willingly. She's only more willing to do it because she doesn't want you to call the cops or kick her out to the street. My advice would be to set the resistance on her mouth to about 75% or so due to her inexperience.

    Put the resistance on her throat all the way up. She's never had something that deep in her throat before, so her throat is going to be pretty tight to get into. Also, I find that either her hands on her own legs or his would be fine. The dialogue works with you either forcing her or letting her do the work basically, so picking an aggressive approach or a passive one would be acceptable.

    Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy it. I've decided to try and stick with using 10 lines per situation. It's kind of difficult to come up with so many variations for the same situation, but eh..I do what I can, heh. I've also decided to stick with the same interrupt and cough lines from my last dialogue since those are pretty much universal.

    The way a girl is interrupted by having a cock shoved into her mouth while she is trying to talk can only be diverse in so many ways, ya know? That's beside the point though. I just hope you guys enjoy it, heh. Finished this in about a day and I won't need to revise it 193818742648721564 times like I had to with my last one.

    Enjoy!

    EDIT: I knew I forgot to mention something, lol. I already have the next dialogue planned and you're going to be quite impressed, I think. I don't want to say what it involves, but I will say..if you look on the forum, you won't find another dialogue involving it. It's a concept that has been overlooked for some reason, but fret not..I will deliver it to you soon enough :3

    Please look forward to it~

    EDIT 2: Melody sent me a sample for this dialogue with the voice she plans on using for it and wanted me to upload it for you guys, so..here it is :3

    I really think the voice is great for this dialogue. It fits the personality really well and makes me HHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG
     

    Attached Files:

  2. froggie

    froggie Potential Patron

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    Awesome dialogue! Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see your next one.
     
  3. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Thank you for your support! I'm currently 30% complete with the next dialogue and I can promise, it's something none of you guys have ever seen on here, haha. I think I know why though.

    This dialogue is a bit difficult to write >_<. Well, I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I only had 5 lines or so per situation, but 10 makes it a little harder, heh. I'll pull through, don't worry. It will be just as good as this one :3
     
  4. RuneMan13

    RuneMan13 Potential Patron

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    I really want this one so I hope it's as good as it sounds.
    and
    I hope it gets finished soon.
     
  5. jimnc

    jimnc Potential Patron

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    So when do you plan to announce the details of this new and innovating script?
     
  6. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    That would be my Body Swap dialogue :3

    You can visit the thread by clicking on it in my signature.
     
  7. SomePerv

    SomePerv Potential Patron

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    Thanks for your highly creative dialogues!

    I really enjoy this Runaway Girl one, but I found a few aspects that I would have done differently, so I did!
    • I found some of the lines way too long, so I broke those up.
    • I tweaked the punctuation to use... for trailing off between words, and-- to indicate a more abrupt interruption (I don't think using two periods is valid... yes, I know I'm picky). ;)
    • I replaced "mister" with the *YOU* wildcard, but left "sir" alone. That way you can put "mister" into the name if you want, or use a custom name for more of an "it's okay little girl, I said you can call me Bob" effect. Oh, and I tried to be careful with the wildcard syntax so it won't give broken punctuation if the name is left blank.
    • I removed all gasping sound effects from the lines 'cause I think the interrupts and coughs take care of that. And I swapped Kona's default coughs and interrupts back in because I like 'em.
    • Oh, and I thought the line about being smelly from being on the road a while was a little too... uppity, so I cut it.
    So now I have a question. I can't take credit for the resulting dialogue because it's still pretty much TetsuyaHikari's lines. Should I share my changed version of it? And if so, is it better to post it as a reply on this thread, or start a new thread and credit Tetsuya in that post?
     
  8. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Ah, well..most of the stuff you addressed makes sense. I'll share my input on your points if you don't mind.

    1. Yes, some of the lines are a bit long. I felt as though some of them can be long though since we are used to just seeing short lines for most of the dialogue on the forum. A few lines that are a little longer than the norm adds to the variety, I think. You know, rather than just having all short or all long lines.

    2. Using two periods is valid to me because it still dictates how long the pause should be. I will use two periods when the pause is slightly longer than normal and three periods when it's a bit longer (usually when there is more stress than usual on the breathing). I've seen far too many dialogues on this forum which don't use, ".." or "..." during intense scenes in the dialogue. I'm sorry, but there should not be a sentence without pauses during moments when her breathing has increased. I have decided to add the use of, ".." and "..." to add a sense of realism to the dialogue (and for the VA, should it ever be voiced).

    I guess maybe it's harder to understand through text, but you'll know what I mean when you hear the audio for Kidnapped Daughter later. The VA I've been working with knew how long the pauses should have been and didn't make, ".." and "..." the same length. I could use, "..." for everything, but it wouldn't make much sense since the breathing alters, causing your sentence structure to change (i.e. some places will have longer pauses than others). So, there's that.

    3. The "mister" part should stay because the man never introduces himself in the script. This is why I left, "mister" and "sir" to be used as a means to address the man. I thought about adding, "*YOU*" for one of the General lines and have him introduce himself in one of the Intro lines, but honestly..it wouldn't have worked. I would have needed to make him introduce himself in every Intro line for that to work.

    In other words, it wouldn't have made much sense for me to throw in, "*YOU*" if the player didn't get the introduction line every time they played. In this particular situation, since he is a stranger, it would have made better sense to keep, "mister" and "sir".

    4. The gasping effects are there for just that. Effect, really. They are also there in case I get a VA to record this stuff (which, I already have one planning on working on this soon). I don't really think it takes anything away from the dialogue though. It just adds to it.

    As for the interruptions, I don't have anything against Kona's. However, I believe there is only a limited amount of ways you can be interrupted when talking and I personally feel as though my interruptions covered all of those bases (basically anything ending with, "mmmm" would suffice). The cough on the other hand, I will disagree with you on. I've had to explain this to many people already.

    A cough is an onomonopia. What does that mean? That means a cough is written out exactly as it sounds, "cough". Aside from the "ack" sound as if you've got something hung up in your throat, there's really no other way to do it. So, adding many cough variations doesn't really work because, well..they don't exist. All this stuff like, "achf" or whatever is incorrect.

    That sort of sound never happens. We need to keep the cough simple because that's all it is. It's just a, "*cough*". Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know why people feel the need to add so many lines for a cough. Anyway, moving on.

    5. This I don't have a problem with. Different people have different interests. I was merely conveying the fact that since he had been driving on the road for a while, his body had been building up sweat, thus causing his cock to smell more than usual since he hadn't taken a shower yet. This can happen if you're stuck sitting in the same spot for hours on end.

    Maybe it's not something people like to hear, but that's hygiene for ya, heh. Anyway, you can do whatever editing you want to with it. If you want, I can just add the alternate version in my first post and give you credit for it. That's what I did in my Kidnapped Daughter thread when someone altered it anyway.
     
  9. Steinman516

    Steinman516 Potential Patron

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    Personally Tetsuya Hikari I thought the smell thing was smart as hell. I wouldn't change it. I even keept it in there when I revised "Kidnapped Daughter" to "Kidnapped Super Hero". It just adds to the particular scene and feel. Keep that in there. I personally thought that script your was fine with its context.
     
  10. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Haha. Thanks. It's a very situational thing, really. The Kidnapped Daughter dialogue had it because the girl was utterly repulsed by the guy's cock. Hell, he probably could have kept it clean and she still would have called it, "dirty" just because of the nature of the situation, heh.

    As I stated before though, I just personally felt as though the odor would add to the already building humiliation, which was the whole point of that dialogue. The Runaway Girl dialogue simply had it because the guy had been out on the road for a while and this was an inexperienced girl who is probably curious about the smell if anything. It probably smells pretty strong to her, being so close to it and everything.

    I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but eh..I do what I can, heh. If someone doesn't like it, it's very simple to cut out. Also, my friend will be starting the recording for this dialogue later today. She's going to be using a different voice for it though (well, the other one had a rather angry tone, whereas this one is for a timid girl).

    I've already heard some demonstrations of the voice she wants to use for it and yeah..you'll be impressed, don't worry. I swear, if you can't fap to it, you won't be able to fap to anything, haha.
     
  11. Steinman516

    Steinman516 Potential Patron

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    I swear, if you can't fap to it, you won't be able to fap to anything, haha.

    Haha, that is the greatest qoute ever. Keep the smell thing in there though, dont cut that out of the audio. It really adds to the situation. If people dont get it, or dont feel it. Fuck it.
     
  12. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Oh. Yeah, she's going to record every line in the dialogue unless I state otherwise. Did you check out the sample I added to the first post earlier? If you did, what do you think of the voice she's going to be using for the dialogue?

    Personally, I can't get enough of it. Nnnnngh~
     
  13. Steinman516

    Steinman516 Potential Patron

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    Honestly what I heard sounded great! I really would change a thing. Keep it going!
     
  14. DioBrando

    DioBrando Potential Patron

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    ...that voice....is the cutest voice i have ever heard in my life...just...damn....
     
  15. LanguishAbomina

    LanguishAbomina Potential Patron

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    She says the lines very well. Though it throws me off a little that someone with those specific vocal tendencies aren't in a slightly higher pitch.

    ...Maybe it just reminds me of some other voice.
     
  16. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    Yeah, I know what you mean. Her natural voice is actually a couple of notches just below that. The voice she's using for Kidnapped Daughter is close to her natural voice, but only when she's angry, heh. I'm really excited to hear the rest of the lines for this project though. I think my heart's going to melt!

    Hahaha. She will be glad to hear this :3
     
  17. DioBrando

    DioBrando Potential Patron

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    She's very welcome and I really gotta thank you and her both for all the work you put into these things.lol im a tetsuya fan now.
     
  18. TetsuyaHikari

    TetsuyaHikari Avid Affiliate

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    You flatter us both >////<

    We're both glad though! I'm actually in the process of finishing a new dialogue at the moment (it's currently 80% complete). It should be up soon. It's another original idea which hasn't been posted here before.

    I hope you enjoy it~
     
  19. DioBrando

    DioBrando Potential Patron

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    I'm glad to hear it and I know I'll enjoy it.I've enjoyed everything you posted so far so i can imagine this one is going to be just as good.
     
  20. SomePerv

    SomePerv Potential Patron

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    Absolutely. It would hardly be fair to critique your script and then be offended if you critique my critique!

    1. Yeah, I can certainly understand changing up the length of the lines for variety. Personally, I find the way that long lines play out in the game is kind of unwieldy, but I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with having longer lines.

    2. Sorry if my choice of the word "valid" wasn't entirely clear. I didn't mean to indicate that your punctuation couldn't serve any useful purpose, and I'm definitely glad to hear that the VA you're working with found it helpful. All I meant was that according to the formal rules of English punctuation, including writing dialogue, using two periods for a shorter pause is not... technically correct. "En-dash", "Em-dash", and ellipsis are used to indicate shorter pause, longer pause, and trailing off. I know it's picky, but I found it slightly distracting, and I thought that other people who are used to reading a lot might, too.

    3. Don't get me wrong, I think "mister" is great and actually do use it when playing with this script. I was just reasoning that since the introduction story from the girl wandering the streets 'cause she can't go home up to the point where she's on her knees in front of a cock all happens off-screen, there's no reason why he might not have mentioned his name during that time, before the script picks up.

    4. I don't think it's a big deal whether the gasping effects in the lines are there or not, really. I did find using the game's interrupts and coughs came out... timed better for what's going on at the time. Also, having it go from cough to interrupt to a line that starts with a gasp to another cough, for example, gets to be a bit cluttered. Again, I imagine that's personal taste and I don't presume to tell you that the way you chose to do it is wrong or anything.

    Well, just for the record, it's "onomatopoeia", not "onomonopia". And for both cough sounds and the sounds of being interrupted by a cock jammed in your mouth while you're talking, there really is quite a variety of possibilities. Just because there's one word that represents the sound of the cough and has come to be dominant enough that it's the dictionary term for a cough, doesn't mean that all coughs sound alike and are adequately conveyed by the single onomatopoeia "cough". In linguistics, there's a whole list of terms like "aspirated", "voiced", "nasal", "explosive", "fricative" etc to describe the subtle differences in sounds produced by different combinations of breath, voice, tongue position, throat open vs closed, and so on.

    To look at interruption, if the girl's talking and has a cock stuffed in her mouth (not throat) and she immediately stops trying to form syllables so she doesn't mumble around it at all, then yes, "mmm" is pretty much the sound you get. But, if she keeps trying to talk around it, then the sound is a lot more like "mmbl"... as you can see in some hardcore videos when the girl is told to say something like "my favorite website is gagonmycock.com" while having a cock shoved in her mouth. ;D But, if the cock is shoved in her throat, the resulting sound will be very different. If she succeeds in swallowing it, the sound will be a lot like a "gulp". If she retches on it then it's more of a harsh sound like Kona's "-ghch!"

    Likewise with coughs... there's quite a difference between the sound of a deep, chest-racking lung-infection cough and the brief, shallow sound of coughing up a little bit of goo from the back of your throat. Some coughs sound more like a sneeze or a retch rather than the archetypal "cough".

    I think if there's any doubt in your mind that there can be a whole lot of different onomatopoeias for something like a cough, there are two points I'd like to make. One is that different languages use different onomatopoeias for the same sound, such as Japanese using "doki doki" for the sound of a racing heartbeat, where English uses "thump thump". The other is comic books. There's a long, rich tradition of script-writers using an enormous variety of SFX to represent noises that are way simpler and more consistent than coughing/choking/gagging/retching etc.

    5. Oh, I certainly think that the smell reference is clever and it's realistic that the guy would be kinda rank in the context of the scene you set. The only reason I don't like it is it seems a little uppity for her to be commenting basically "man, you stink" to a guy whose hospitality she's so desperately dependent on that she'll let him throat-fuck her. Also, I just plain don't like the tone. ;) Like I said, personal tastes.

    Sure, I think that just listing my variation in your post makes sense.

    Also, I'm sorry if it comes across like I'm picking apart your script. I think the lines are great, and I consider all my changes to be nothing more than fine-tuning a script that's good enough to deserve a little polishing. I can't wait to hear the audio for this one.