My first dialogue. Could someone download & see what I'm doing wrong? (1 Viewer)

[Jack83478349]

I was wondering if someone could help me see what I'm doing wrong.
If you could download & use it in SDT or look at the actual file that'd be great. The main problem is the intro, the rest seem to be working fine (if not I'd like to know how to fix it).
I don't mean the actual story, I'd like the story dialogue to remain the same (unless you have suggestions on how to improve, as long as the original core idea is there).
So please, suggestions on how to make it better!



I've just gotten into dialogue so I probably reached too high & I'm not the best writer but sometimes there isn't one already made so I tryed & would like to write more!

 

[Rudgar]

Ahoy!

intro:"Oh my god James! You're so hung! [LOOK_UP] How old are you again?[intro1]"
intro 1:"I'm 16...I'm sorry you caught me masturbating.[intro2]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"
intro 3:"Uh...I don't know.[intro4]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"
intro 5:"Hell yeah it is. But isn't it a little wrong?[intro6]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 6:"It's fine because you're close.[RIGHT_ARM_HAND_JOB][LEFT_ARM_HAND_JOB][AUTO_HARD][intro7]"
intro 7:"Can...can you suck on it? Like in porn?[intro 8]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 8:"I thought you'd never ask![AHEGAO_MOOD][ARMS_LEGS]"

The problem are probably the "white chars" (meaning the spaces) in the name of the line types.
Try "intro1" or "intro_1" instead of "intro 1"

Edit: P.S. Found another little mistake - change this:

pre-cum:"Cum all over this pretty face!"
to this
pre_cum:"Cum all over this pretty face!"

Add a closing " at the end of this line:
first_throat:"Oh my gosh, I'm doing it. [ft1]"


HTH

Respectfully, Rudgar

 

[Jack83478349]

Ahoy!

intro:"Oh my god James! You're so hung! [LOOK_UP] How old are you again?[intro1]"
intro 1:"I'm 16...I'm sorry you caught me masturbating.[intro2]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"
intro 3:"Uh...I don't know.[intro4]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"
intro 5:"Hell yeah it is. But isn't it a little wrong?[intro6]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 6:"It's fine because you're close.[RIGHT_ARM_HAND_JOB][LEFT_ARM_HAND_JOB][AUTO_HARD][intro7]"
intro 7:"Can...can you suck on it? Like in porn?[intro 8]"{"style":"Him"}
intro 8:"I thought you'd never ask![AHEGAO_MOOD][ARMS_LEGS]"

The problem are probably the "white chars" (meaning the spaces) in the name of the line types.
Try "intro1" or "intro_1" instead of "intro 1"

Edit: P.S. Found another little mistake - change this:

pre-cum:"Cum all over this pretty face!"
to this
pre_cum:"Cum all over this pretty face!"

Add a closing " at the end of this line:
first_throat:"Oh my gosh, I'm doing it. [ft1]"


HTH

Respectfully, Rudgar

Thank you very much sir!

 

[Rudgar]

Thank you very much sir!

You're very welcome!
I found 2 last little things:

1. [TAP HANDS] (occurs 3 times) should be also with "_" like [TAP_HANDS]
2. [LOOK UP] (occurs 2 times: once with "_", once without it), should be [LOOK_UP] in both cases, I think

btw: nice dialogue, I like it

Respectfully, Rudgar

 

[Jack83478349]

You're very welcome!
I found 2 last little things:

1. [TAP HANDS] (occurs 3 times) should be also with "_" like [TAP_HANDS]
2. [LOOK UP] (occurs 2 times: once with "_", once without it), should be [LOOK_UP] in both cases, I think

btw: nice dialogue, I like it

Respectfully, Rudgar

Another question: How do I change the name of the male? It's not anywhere in my options tab & I can't find a guide for it (too simple for a guide anyway). I appreciate all your help!

 

[Rudgar]

HTH

Respectfully, Rudgar

 

[Pim_gd]

Instead of relying on others to find mistakes for you, just haul it through the DialogueChecker (link in signature or sticky in dialogue board) ...

and get all the issues rudgar found and more.

The output is a bit in a different format, so...

Spoiler

Dialogue was checked in 50 ms with v3.07 of the DialogueChecker.
I found 36 issue(s) with your dialogue, of which 0 were severe, 29 were major issues, and 7 were minor issues.

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Double space on line 27, col 39 near "(...) hung! How (...)"
You can disable this check manually by putting #DialogueChecker-NoDoubleSpace# at the top of your dialogue if you prefer to keep double spaces without the checker complaining about them.
Line 27: intro:"Oh my god James! You're so hung! [LOOK_UP] How old are you again?[intro1]"
Stripped Line 27: intro:"Oh my god James! You're so hung! How old are you again?"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro1]) on line 27 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 27: intro:"Oh my god James! You're so hung! [LOOK_UP] How old are you again?[intro1]"

Line Usage - Major: Line 28 is unused!
Line 28: intro 1:"I'm 16...I'm sorry you caught me masturbating.[intro2]"{"style":"Him"}

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro2]) on line 28 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 28: intro 1:"I'm 16...I'm sorry you caught me masturbating.[intro2]"{"style":"Him"}

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 29, col 187.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 29: intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 29, col 218.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 29: intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Double space on line 29, col 119 near "(...) age. I've (...)"
You can disable this check manually by putting #DialogueChecker-NoDoubleSpace# at the top of your dialogue if you prefer to keep double spaces without the checker complaining about them.
Line 29: intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"
Stripped Line 29: intro 2:"Oh ...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can ...can I touch it?"

Line Usage - Major: Line 29 is unused!
Line 29: intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([TAP HANDS]) on line 29 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 29: intro 2:"Oh [DROOL]...well it's normal for teens you're age to do that. It's just that...your size is NOT normal for your age. [DROOL] I've been with older guys smaller than you. Can [TAP HANDS]...can I touch it?[intro 3]"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro4]) on line 30 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 30: intro 3:"Uh...I don't know.[intro4]"{"style":"Him"}

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 31, col 24.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Double space on line 31, col 19 near "(...) oooon isn't (...)"
You can disable this check manually by putting #DialogueChecker-NoDoubleSpace# at the top of your dialogue if you prefer to keep double spaces without the checker complaining about them.
Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"
Stripped Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?"

Line Usage - Major: Line 31 is unused!
Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([TAP HANDS]) on line 31 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro5]) on line 31 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 31: intro 4:"Come oooon [TAP HANDS] isn't it a teen boy's dream to have a hot girl like me touch their cock?[intro5]"

Line Usage - Major: Line 32 is unused!
Line 32: intro 5:"Hell yeah it is. But isn't it a little wrong?[intro6]"{"style":"Him"}

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro6]) on line 32 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 32: intro 5:"Hell yeah it is. But isn't it a little wrong?[intro6]"{"style":"Him"}

Line Usage - Major: Line 33 is unused!
Line 33: intro 6:"It's fine because you're close.[RIGHT_ARM_HAND_JOB][LEFT_ARM_HAND_JOB][AUTO_HARD][intro7]"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([intro7]) on line 33 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 33: intro 6:"It's fine because you're close.[RIGHT_ARM_HAND_JOB][LEFT_ARM_HAND_JOB][AUTO_HARD][intro7]"

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 34, col 54.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 34: intro 7:"Can...can you suck on it? Like in porn?[intro 8]"{"style":"Him"}

Line Usage - Major: Line 34 is unused!
Line 34: intro 7:"Can...can you suck on it? Like in porn?[intro 8]"{"style":"Him"}

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 52, col 11.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 52: held:"[LOOK UP] AGAIN!"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Space at start of new line on line 52, col 4 near "held:" AGAIN!""
Line 52: held:"[LOOK UP] AGAIN!"
Stripped Line 52: held:" AGAIN!"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([LOOK UP]) on line 52 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 52: held:"[LOOK UP] AGAIN!"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Space at start of new line on line 56, col 4 near "wake:" Oh (...)"
Line 56: wake:"[DROOL] Oh yippee! It wasn't a dream!"
Stripped Line 56: wake:" Oh yippee! It wasn't a dream!"

Line Usage - Major: Line 60 is unused!
Line 60: vigourous:"Yes yes just like that! Break my throat."

Line Usage - Major: Line 61 is unused!
Line 61: vigourous:"Again please. Make it so that it'll be a week before I can talk again."

Line Usage - Major: Line 62 is unused!
Line 62: vigourous:"So eager! I like it"

Line Usage - Major: Line 63 is unused!
Line 63: vigourous:"What an eager young stud you are. Keep going!"

Syntax - Major: An uneven amount of double quotes was found on line 65. This could indicate a coding error.
The line contains at least one single quote - did you perhaps type a single quote where you should have used a double quote?
Line 65: first_throat:"Oh my gosh, I'm doing it. [ft1]

Line Usage - Major: Line 81 is unused!
Line 81: pre-cum:"Cum all over this pretty face!"

Syntax - Major: Space in trigger on line 85, col 43.
SDT does not accept spaces in triggers - triggers with spaces in them will appear as plain text in dialogues.
Line 85: cum_on_face:"Normally I wouldn't allow [TAP HANDS] this but you cock is so hot!"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Double space on line 85, col 38 near "(...) allow this (...)"
You can disable this check manually by putting #DialogueChecker-NoDoubleSpace# at the top of your dialogue if you prefer to keep double spaces without the checker complaining about them.
Line 85: cum_on_face:"Normally I wouldn't allow [TAP HANDS] this but you cock is so hot!"
Stripped Line 85: cum_on_face:"Normally I wouldn't allow this but you cock is so hot!"

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([TAP HANDS]) on line 85 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 85: cum_on_face:"Normally I wouldn't allow [TAP HANDS] this but you cock is so hot!"

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Space at start of new line on line 87, col 12 near "cum_in_mouth:" Delicious.""
Line 87: cum_in_mouth:"[Swallow] Delicious."
Stripped Line 87: cum_in_mouth:" Delicious."

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([Swallow]) on line 87 refers to a non-existing line.
Perhaps you meant [SWALLOW]?
Line 87: cum_in_mouth:"[Swallow] Delicious."

Once you've fixed these issues, try letting me look your dialogue over again. Maybe I'll find something new.

 

[Rudgar]

Instead of relying on others to find mistakes for you, just haul it through the DialogueChecker (link in signature or sticky in dialogue board) ...
and get all the issues rudgar found and more.
[...]

I was so much sure that your checker should be mentioned here, but wanted to wait for the genius himself to introduce it.

Respectfully, Rudgar