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Korra/Asami BDSM Futa Dialogue

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by bloodphoenixtsi@gmail.com, Sep 27, 2014.

  1. bloodphoenixtsi@gmail.com

    bloodphoenixtsi@gmail.com Potential Patron

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    After I found the Korra hair, on a whim I decided to write a BDSM Korra/Asami dialogue, with Korra as the submissive and Asami as the futa dominant. The dialogue centers a lot around humiliation, degradation, and Korra being a massive submissive.

    I spent about 2 hours on the dialogue so far, and it is nowhere near a level of quality I am happy with, but it's a decent start. Please give feedback and constructive criticism, because I'd love this to be a playable/usable product and I know it's not even close to being there yet.

    Oh, and I was also having some trouble getting all the lines to "trip" so to speak while testing it, but it's currently 4:30 AM for me, so I decided to say "screw everything" and just upload it before I went to bed.
     

    Attached Files:

  2. Pim_gd

    Pim_gd Swell Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2013
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    Issue list generated by DialogueChecker v2.15 (link in signature):
    Dialogue was checked in 51 ms with v2.15 of the DialogueChecker.
    I found 35 issue(s) with your dialogue, of which 0 were severe, 2 were major issues, and 33 were minor issues.

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 4, col 7 near "pre_cum:" Fuck (...)"
    Line 4: pre_cum:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Fuck my face Mistress! Cum all over me!"
    Stripped Line 4: pre_cum:" Fuck my face Mistress! Cum all over me!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 5, col 7 near "pre_cum:" Your (...)"
    Line 5: pre_cum:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Your whore needs your cum Mistress!"
    Stripped Line 5: pre_cum:" Your whore needs your cum Mistress!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 19, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" I (...)"
    Line 19: cum_on_face:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] I should take a picture of you like this, drenched in my cum and desperate for more......"{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 19: cum_on_face:" I should take a picture of you like this, drenched in my cum and desperate for more......"{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 21, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Mistress' (...)"
    Line 21: cum_on_face:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Mistress' cum is all over my face.........."{"style":"Thought"}
    Stripped Line 21: cum_on_face:" Mistress' cum is all over my face.........."{"style":"Thought"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 23, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Yesssssss...... (...)"
    Line 23: cum_on_face:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yesssssss...... "
    Stripped Line 23: cum_on_face:" Yesssssss...... "

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 24, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" You (...)"
    Line 24: cum_on_face:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] You look so happy covered in my cum, just like a good fuckslave should."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 24: cum_on_face:" You look so happy covered in my cum, just like a good fuckslave should."{"style":"Him"}

    Syntax - Major: An uneven amount of asterisks was found on line 41. This could indicate a coding error.
    Line 41: restart:"You're still hard Mistress?! Does this mean your slut gets more of your delicious cum?*"

    Variables - Major: Undeclared variable (""") in a variable insertion (*"*) on line 41, col -1, near "Can't create snippet - parsing error".
    Line 41: restart:"You're still hard Mistress?! Does this mean your slut gets more of your delicious cum?*"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 42, col 5 near "intro:" I've (...)"
    Line 42: intro:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] I've been waiting for this all day, please Mistress, come use your slut. Fuck me. Fuck me until I can't stand it anymore."
    Stripped Line 42: intro:" I've been waiting for this all day, please Mistress, come use your slut. Fuck me. Fuck me until I can't stand it anymore."

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 44, col 5 near "intro:" Welcome (...)"
    Line 44: intro:"[HAPPY_MOOD] Welcome home Mistress Asami, may I please suck your cock? I've been a good girl for you, I promise."
    Stripped Line 44: intro:" Welcome home Mistress Asami, may I please suck your cock? I've been a good girl for you, I promise."

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 45, col 5 near "intro:" Would (...)"
    Line 45: intro:"[HAPPY_MOOD] Would you like to use my throat Mistress?"
    Stripped Line 45: intro:" Would you like to use my throat Mistress?"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 52, col 12 near "first_throat:" Look (...)"
    Line 52: first_throat:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Look at you Korra. Chained up, my cock buried in your pretty little mouth. How would the world see you if they really knew you? Knew how much you love being used as a cum dump, locked in my basement just eagerly waiting for me to come and feed you my dick. "{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 52: first_throat:" Look at you Korra. Chained up, my cock buried in your pretty little mouth. How would the world see you if they really knew you? Knew how much you love being used as a cum dump, locked in my basement just eagerly waiting for me to come and feed you my dick. "{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 60, col 12 near "cum_in_mouth:" Yeessss, (...)"
    Line 60: cum_in_mouth:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yeessss, your slut loves your delicious cum"
    Stripped Line 60: cum_in_mouth:" Yeessss, your slut loves your delicious cum"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 61, col 12 near "cum_in_mouth:" You're (...)"
    Line 61: cum_in_mouth:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] You're such a depraved whore, moaning as I cum all over your tongue."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 61: cum_in_mouth:" You're such a depraved whore, moaning as I cum all over your tongue."{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: Double space on line 62, col 19 near "held:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] love (...)"
    Line 62: held:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] love choking on your cock Mistress Asami!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 65, col 4 near "held:" Ram (...)"
    Line 65: held:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Ram your dick down my throat Mistress! Make me gag on it!"
    Stripped Line 65: held:" Ram your dick down my throat Mistress! Make me gag on it!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 67, col 4 near "held:" That's (...)"
    Line 67: held:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] That's it, suffocate on my cock you little whore!"{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 67: held:" That's it, suffocate on my cock you little whore!"{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 69, col 4 near "held:" Yes (...)"
    Line 69: held:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yes Mistress! Yes, choke this worthless cunt on your cock! Make her pass out with your dick in her mouth!"
    Stripped Line 69: held:" Yes Mistress! Yes, choke this worthless cunt on your cock! Make her pass out with your dick in her mouth!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 71, col 8 near "first_dt:" Please (...)"
    Line 71: first_dt:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Please use my throat Mistress. Your cumslut needs to choke on your cock!"
    Stripped Line 71: first_dt:" Please use my throat Mistress. Your cumslut needs to choke on your cock!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 73, col 8 near "first_dt:" Yes (...)"
    Line 73: first_dt:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yes Mistress! Punish me with your cock! Make me choke on it until I pass out!"
    Stripped Line 73: first_dt:" Yes Mistress! Punish me with your cock! Make me choke on it until I pass out!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 74, col 8 near "first_dt:" You're (...)"
    Line 74: first_dt:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] You're such a good little slut Korra, always hapilly slurping down my cock. I almost feel bad that no one else gets to experience this every day. Maybe I should lend you out to Mako every now and again, I'm sure he'd love having you to suck his cock whenever he wanted, and spirits know you'd be more than happy as long as you have a shaft buried in your whore mouth."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 74: first_dt:" You're such a good little slut Korra, always hapilly slurping down my cock. I almost feel bad that no one else gets to experience this every day. Maybe I should lend you out to Mako every now and again, I'm sure he'd love having you to suck his cock whenever he wanted, and spirits know you'd be more than happy as long as you have a shaft buried in your whore mouth."{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 75, col 8 near "pull_off:" Ahhh, (...)"
    Line 75: pull_off:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Ahhh, you're such a lovely little fuck slave Korra, always eager to please, aways eager to have me ram my cock into your mouth."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 75: pull_off:" Ahhh, you're such a lovely little fuck slave Korra, always eager to please, aways eager to have me ram my cock into your mouth."{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 77, col 8 near "pull_off:" Choke (...)"
    Line 77: pull_off:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Choke your slut Mistress Asami, make me pass out while you fuck this dirty whore's mouth!"
    Stripped Line 77: pull_off:" Choke your slut Mistress Asami, make me pass out while you fuck this dirty whore's mouth!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 79, col 8 near "pull_off:" I'm (...)"
    Line 79: pull_off:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] I'm a worthless cumslut Mistress, please punish me!"
    Stripped Line 79: pull_off:" I'm a worthless cumslut Mistress, please punish me!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 83, col 8 near "pull_off:" More (...)"
    Line 83: pull_off:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] More Mistress, your slut wants you to fuck her face!"
    Stripped Line 83: pull_off:" More Mistress, your slut wants you to fuck her face!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 84, col 8 near "pull_off:" What (...)"
    Line 84: pull_off:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] What would your parents think if they saw you now? How would they react if they knew their daughter was just a dirty whore, begging to be used by her master?"{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 84: pull_off:" What would your parents think if they saw you now? How would they react if they knew their daughter was just a dirty whore, begging to be used by her master?"{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: Double space on line 86, col 22 near "(...) cum? You'll (...)"
    Line 86: drool:"Wasting my cum? You'll get ten spankings for every drop you've spilled."{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 90, col 4 near "wake:" That (...)"
    Line 90: wake:"[HAPPY_MOOD] That was amazing Mistress! May I have another?"
    Stripped Line 90: wake:" That was amazing Mistress! May I have another?"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 96, col 7 near "swallow:" So (...)"
    Line 96: swallow:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] So good...... This slut wants more cum Mistress"
    Stripped Line 96: swallow:" So good...... This slut wants more cum Mistress"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 98, col 8 near "vigorous:" I'm (...)"
    Line 98: vigorous:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] I'm nothing but your cockslut Mistress! "
    Stripped Line 98: vigorous:" I'm nothing but your cockslut Mistress! "

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 99, col 8 near "vigorous:" More (...)"
    Line 99: vigorous:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] More Mistress Asami! Fuck this stupid sluts face!"
    Stripped Line 99: vigorous:" More Mistress Asami! Fuck this stupid sluts face!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 103, col 8 near "vigorous:" Yes! (...)"
    Line 103: vigorous:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yes! Yes! Ram your fuckmeat into this cunt's mouth! Make this worthless whore swallow your cum!"
    Stripped Line 103: vigorous:" Yes! Yes! Ram your fuckmeat into this cunt's mouth! Make this worthless whore swallow your cum!"

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 111, col 13 near "cum_in_throat:" Yesssssss, (...)"
    Line 111: cum_in_throat:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Yesssssss, this is what you want isn't? To be held down and forced to swallow my cum. You're a slut Korra, a naughty fucking slut."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 111: cum_in_throat:" Yesssssss, this is what you want isn't? To be held down and forced to swallow my cum. You're a slut Korra, a naughty fucking slut."{"style":"Him"}

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 114, col 10 near "cum_in_eye:" Hah! (...)"
    Line 114: cum_in_eye:"[AHEGAO_MOOD] Hah! Only a depraved slut like you would be happy as long as I cum on you. Look at you, so happy just to have your Mistress' cum."
    Stripped Line 114: cum_in_eye:" Hah! Only a depraved slut like you would be happy as long as I cum on you. Look at you, so happy just to have your Mistress' cum."

    Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters, triggers and variable substitutions:
    Space at start of new line on line 115, col 10 near "cum_in_eye:" I'll (...)"
    Line 115: cum_in_eye:"[WINCE] I'll come where I want to come. A filthy whore like you has no right to complain."{"style":"Him"}
    Stripped Line 115: cum_in_eye:" I'll come where I want to come. A filthy whore like you has no right to complain."{"style":"Him"}

    Once you've fixed these issues, try letting me look your dialogue over again. Maybe I'll find something new.
     
  3. bloodphoenixtsi@gmail.com

    bloodphoenixtsi@gmail.com Potential Patron

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    Alright, thanks for the input. I should probably find a way of using less repetitive words though
     
  4. Thrext

    Thrext Guest

    Hi, I have come out of lurking and I've fixed this dialogue. I made it playable and also proofread it a bit.

    Not sure what the mood tags do, haven't written my own dialogue yet. But they're somewhat intact. I need to test them.

    Shoutouts to the original author, Woodle!
     

    Attached Files: