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"Im sorry" dialogue

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by raziel_seven, Dec 1, 2011.

  1. raziel_seven

    raziel_seven Potential Patron

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    ok.. im new here and im sorry if i'm done something wrong.

    I posted a dialogue about a girl that made some kind of bullying on our hero.. and well.. she thinks she dont diserve any punishment ;-)
    i recomend back arms...

    just one thing...
    i had some problems with "finishes"... i was made 8 different finishes, one each time, but i can't made it work. with code "restart" they work.. so, i dont know which is the problem...

    and.. if someone have patience.. i can't make work "After Rough Sex" and "pleading for it to stop" dialogues... i cant find why...

    any ideias?
     

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  2. EO

    EO Potential Patron

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    I think I found the problem. You forgot the quotation marks on the restart line, so it reads
    restart: *FINISHES*
    when it should read
    restart:"*FINISHES*"

    I'm guessing you set up the restart dialogue that way to show her getting more desperate after every restart? Interesting idea.

    Also, no disrespect, but English isn't your native language, is it? Perhaps you could see if someone will help you out a bit, since you have an interesting concept.
     
  3. raziel_seven

    raziel_seven Potential Patron

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    Indeed, english its not my native language xD
    i will be glad if someone can help me with grama corrections...

    and yes.. i made it to appears that she will become more and more desperate... its also for who are more interested on continuous vigorous process xD

    tnx for reply
     
  4. SamShovel

    SamShovel Potential Patron

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    Hi raziel_seven

    I've just registered here to post a reply to this. I'd be willing to go through the dialogue for you, if you wish, but I suspect it would lose quite a lot in 'translation'.

    Try renaming it to 'Foreign Exchange Student' or 'Stupid Tourists' - that way the 'broken' English works wonderfully well.

    Also it made me giggle a bit ;D
     
  5. raziel_seven

    raziel_seven Potential Patron

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    haha... ok ok... i will remake it, no problem... i just don't have enough time... but i found a lot of errors indeed... tnx for replies
    =)
     
  6. EO

    EO Potential Patron

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    Okay, I went ahead and put my spoon in the proverbial cooking pot.

    In some cases I more or less kept the lines and reworded them to (in my opinion) more natural sounding English. In some other cases I drew inspiration from the existing dialogue and rewrote lines entirely. In some other cases, I just scrapped lines and made my own lines. That's just kinda how I do things, so I hope I'm not stepping on your toes, raziel. I'd still say the result is far more a product of your creativity than mine.

    Anyhow, here it is.
    [attachurl=1]

    I gave it a couple proof-reads/play-tests, but I'm lazy and there are probably still errors.
     

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