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(Underworld) Selene needs your cum.

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by EpicDT-Hunter, Sep 24, 2013.

  1. EpicDT-Hunter

    EpicDT-Hunter Potential Patron

    Sep 19, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Hallo guys. This is my first Dialogue Projekt and i need your feedback if im going in the right direction or not. I try to hold it as simple as possible at the biginning till im not expirienced enough to go further.
    Ok so the idea of my first dialogue was to make a dialogue with sexy Selene from Underworld. And i thought of, what would be the most realistic scenario, that will fit the chrakter´s personality and compare to the Underworld Universe. As i saw all the Underworld movies and know her cold kind of personality i decided that the following scenario will fit the most.


    Selene got poisoned from the bite of a Neo-Lycan. And the only thing will save her, are the special proteins in the sperm of a man. The streets are dark and nobody is there. Nobody but you...

    Settings need to be set:

    Mood: Normal (Angryface would fit better but it dont work course of auto hand-tapping and teeth clenching)
    Armposition: her legs
    Style: normal style
    His Armposition: Free
    no coughing
    no gagging

    The Selene outfit you can find at the and of the post from the guy bellow this post.

    I used a street background to this from google search. You can find it yourself its easy.

    Pls tell me how you like it.

    1.Update: 24.09.2013 20:31

    Examples Ingame:



    Attached Files:

  2. f93

    f93 Casual Client

    Jul 8, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I've never seen Underworld, so I can't really comment about how in-character this is. However, you really should try running it through a spellchecker (just paste it into Microsoft Word or OpenOffice) and Pim_Gd's Dialogue Checker.

    Other things I noticed:
    1) The "ur", "pls" and similar abbreviated words seem kind of jarring in what is meant to be spoken dialogue. Similarly, remember that "I" always gets a capital when it's a word by itself.
    2) You can easily set the positions you want at the start of the first intro line.
    intro:"[RELEASE][NORMAL_MOOD][ARMS_LEGS]Listen. I have no time for explanation. I need your cum right now or I will die. [ARMS_HIS_LEGS][intro1]"
    I don't think coughing/gagging can be disabled this way, but it cuts down on setup for people who download this.
    3) Your variables are all unused. I guess you're going to fix that later, but simpler dialogues don't really need to keep track of any variable (except *FINISHES*, which is done automatically).
    4) pull_off lines are triggered a lot, and you only have one of them. The first_throat and first_dt lines are only ever triggered once each time the dialogue is used. Basically, try to add more to pre_cum, pull_off, general and resistance than to first_throat and first_dt, or else the dialogue will play the same few lines over and over.
    5) I thought at first that there was no way to reach HappyEnd (as that's what the DialogueChecker said), but that's exposing a different problem - you've forgotten to put the " around that line, so it will never be displayed.
    6) It seems a bit odd that one line is allcaps, like she's yelling, when there is cum in her mouth. Like I said, I don't know the character, but that seems like a really strange line to be the only one that she shouts. Just "Aah, here it comes![SWALLOW]" would look a lot less out-of-place.

    The Selene outfit is in this post in Dante's thread, under the Underworld spoiler.
  3. EpicDT-Hunter

    EpicDT-Hunter Potential Patron

    Sep 19, 2013
    Likes Received:

    Thank you very much for your advice i will improve it soon.