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Another Story of Petal

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by Giafuremu, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. Giafuremu

    Giafuremu Vivacious Visitor

    Feb 15, 2011
    Likes Received:
    This is a story request from NNin, and quite frankly... I'm not particularly proud of it. I think it has a lot of work it needs done and, as such, I may revisit this work and redo some aspects, add some new things, so on. I usually have a pretty low opinion on my performance in, well... everything. So let's have some second opinions.

    [Another Story of Petal]

    A blonde woman with light skin pushed the ventilation shaft open, allowing the hinged grating to hang from the ceiling. She poked her head down and looked around.

    “Control, I’m a bathroom on one of the upper floors of the Bai Bi building.”

    “Allison, I told you not to do this,” a man’s voice rang in her earpiece.

    “I know, but I’m so close to busting this wide open,” the woman named Allison responded. She dropped from the vent and landed on her feet. She looked around and found no one.

    “This isn’t a sanctioned mission, Allison,” the man continued, “If you get caught, you’re out of a job and we’ll have to deny any knowledge of our involvement. But knowing these people, you should be more worried about what they’ll do over us letting you go.”

    “If I can get my hands on some of their dirty laundry, I can get more than just a branch of local law enforcement crashing down on them,” Allison paused and looked toward the bathroom entrance. Her voice died to a whisper, “I have to go, someone’s coming.”

    Allison rushed into one of the stalls and hopped onto the toilet, hiding her feet from view under the stall door.
    A woman with a red qipao walked into the bathroom, her high heels tapping the marble tiles at a regular pace as she took each step. The woman looked around, “I thought I heard something coming from here.”
    Allison held her breath, trying to keep quiet.

    The woman sighed, “I guess not.”

    The tapping sound started getting closer to the stall Allison was hiding in and as the door opened, Allison dropped from the toilet and gained a firm footing on the ground.

    “Huh?” the woman in the red dress was taken aback from seeing Allison standing there, her fair face bearing a look of surprise. Her black hair was tied into two buns.

    “Hi,” Allison smirked and shot a quick jab at the woman’s throat.

    The woman stumbled back after the blow and her hands reached for her throat. She tried to scream, but all she managed was a small choking sound and a few coughs.

    “Sorry,” Allison wasted no time and grabbed the woman. She pulled the red dressed woman into the stall in face first into the toilet, attempting to drown her.

    The woman struggled moving her legs and trying to reach behind her, to no avail. Several seconds pass and her flailing gradually becomes a vain attempt to even move before going completely limp.

    Allison kept the woman’s face submerged for a few moments to confirm that her victim wasn’t faking. She checked for a pulse and didn’t find one. She stood up and accidentally nudged the dead woman and free from the toilet’s grasp. The corpse tumbled and fell face up, staring blankly at the ceiling. Allison shook her head, “It’s a shame that a beautiful woman like you was working for these scumbags.”

    She knelt down to the deceased and began to frisk her. She found a plastic card in one of the pockets and looked at it. It was a red keycard and said in bold letters “SECURITY CLEARANCE: PETAL”.

    Allison looked at it, wondering what “Petal” meant. She shook her head and stood up, placing the card in a pouch attached to her belt. She walked to the exit of the bathroom and poked her head out the door, “The coast is clear.”
    “Allison, don’t get careless!”

    “Relax, no one will find her before I get out of here,” Allison responded. After moving through the quiet halls of the building, she came across a locked door with a keycard panel to its side. She pulled the card from belt pouch and tried it. The red light on the panel changed to green when she swiped the card. The clicking sound and subsequent beep were rather loud in the empty hall. Allison pushed the door open slowly, “Let’s see what kind of dirty secrets you have in here…”

    Allison walked through the room. She immediately figured out it was the room where physical copies of information were held. She couldn’t even begin to fathom where to start looking for some “dirty secrets”.

    “Who are you?” a somewhat familiar voice rang, “Hands in the air!”

    Allison looked toward the source and saw the beautiful woman from the toilet. All the woman’s features and clothes were the same.

    “Are you a spy?” the raven haired woman had a pistol trained on Allison’s chest.

    “What? You!? I thought I dealt with you.”

    The woman narrowed her eyes, “So you “dealt” with one of my sisters…”

    Allison didn’t respond, but charged at the woman and struck the bottom of the pistol causing the gun to point straight up before discharging. Allison followed by striking her opponent in the belly with her elbow.

    The woman in the qipao doubled over, dropping her pistol and clenching her belly. Allison followed with a strike to the throat. Her victim stumbled backwards, at a loss of whether to cover her belly or neck from further harm. Allison snapped the gun up from the ground and fired a single round into the raven haired woman’s forehead, causing her to fall lifelessly to the ground.


    “Find me an escape route.”

    “There’s a ventilation shaft in the next room. Hurry up!” the voice rang in her ear.

    She ran straight for the door and almost tackled it open. She looked around and saw she was blocked on both sides… by the same woman.

    “W-Wait, what!?” she was taken aback from the surprise, “Why are there so many of you!?”
    Allison tried to point the stolen pistol but to no avail. She couldn’t shoot one and then not get gunned down while turning around.

    “Hands up!” one of the identical women said.

    “Drop your weapon!” the other ordered.

    Allison complied. She took a closer look at the two. One of them had braids hanging from her hair buns, the other had a free flowing stream of hair from each of her hair buns.

    “Lang, where’s the Petal that reported a break in at the archives?”

    The woman named Lang angrily demanded from Allison, “Where’s our sister?”

    Allison didn’t say anything, thinking her chances were better if she kept quiet.

    “Hui, detain her!” Lang barked.

    Hui took cautious steps toward Allison, keeping the pistol aimed at Allison.

    Hui warned, “Try anything funny and you’re dead.”

    Allison nodded. When Hui was close enough, she made a quick attempt to disarm Hui. While successful, Hui managed to roll away when a gunshot rang out. Allison stumbled back, clutching the gunshot wound on her shoulder, dropping the firearm. She shook her head and tried to rush Lang, who in a few short moments holstered her pistol and drew a sword. The sword swing barely cut into Allison’s belly, causing a small trickle of blood. Allison readied her stance as best she could, but her arm was wounded and couldn’t move quickly. She shook her head and approached Lang again.
    Lang responded by swinging her sword down on Allison, who barely dodged. When Allison tried to strike with her good arm, Lang’s arm shot out and struck her bleeding shoulder with lightning fast palm. Allison howled in pain as she stumbled back.

    “Damn it, I have to get out of here…” Allison mumbled.

    Without any chance to rest, Hui had struck Allison from behind with a powerful kick causing the spy to fall to her knees. Allison managed to quickly stand up and tried to turn toward Hui before she got hit from behind again. Allison couldn’t help but turn back around toward Lang.

    “Good job, Hui!” Lang smirked as she dashed forward and rammed the pommel of her sword into Allison’s belly.

    Allison doubled over, coughing, almost vomiting. Hui struck Allison in the shoulder again, forcing her to turn around only to abuse the area Lang hit earlier with an elbow strike followed by a knee. Hui then struck Allison in the chest with an uppercut and then a straight kick. Allison had to muster all her remaining stamina just to remain standing. Though she was barely conscious, she could feel a piece of sharp metal penetrate her body. She looked down and saw Lang’s sword piercing her chest, just between her breasts. She weakly reached for the sword before it was pulled free. She fell to her knees then to her side. Her vision was slowly blacking out, but before she lost consciousness for the last time, she heard Lang say…

    “This is Lang, we’ve dealt with the intruder.”
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2015
  2. NNin

    NNin Ryonani Teamster

    Dec 1, 2010
    Likes Received:
    It has good part with zako (minion) ryona on early part. And I like it :3
    Maybe what bugs you is the last fight scene that is too rushed?


    Lang: "My gun is effective here. I sometime think it's just a prop... When my enemy confuses me with another sister, it can bring us advantage with element of surprise. Though this is one-time tactic. NNin likes it, anyway."
  3. Kargan3033

    Kargan3033 Club Regular

    Aug 10, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Nicely done Giafuremu Poor Allison I have no doubt that she's in for a wolrd of hurt.