Sister bets brother (1 Viewer)

[LoboLascivo]

Hello. Well, this is my first dialogue, I hope you enjoy it.


Sister bets brother (Updated, minor changes)
Formerly "Sister's Bet"

Scene: The elder sister arrives late night somewhat drunk, after a party. Then she and his younger brother start chatting about trivialities, and then... She, under the effects of alcohol, bets his brother that she can make him cum in less than 15 minutes.

There are to ways of play:
-Grabbing her head: She will be more naive and resistive.
-Not grabbing: She will be more experienced and will do it by own initiative. Also, she will enjoy it.

English ain't my first language, so feel free to correct gramar and other issues.

[attachurl=3]

[attachimg=2]

charName:Samantha
;mood:Happy;bodyScale:1;arms:onlegs,onlegs;throatResist:50;hair:morrigan,1,1,1,1,1;iris:normal,74,121,137,1;breasts:70;skin:light;nose:normal;ear:normal;lipstick:0,96,0,0,0.282;eyeshadow:0,0,0,1;sclera:255,255,255,1;blush:196,80,77,0.078;freckles:60,24,24,0.8,100;mascara:0,0,0,1,100;nailpolish:0,0,0,1;eyebrow:normal,255,166,46,1,247,106,6,1;hairhsl:150,2,1.75,1;skinhsl:0,1,1,1;hisskinhsl:0,1,1,1;bg:3;hisBody:male;hisPenis:0,1,1;balls:0,1;hisSkin:0;hisTop:shirt,238,242,245,1;hisBottoms:slacks,27,29,29,1;hisFootwear:loafers,0,0,0,1;collar:none,0,0,0,1,232,240,255,1;cuffs:none,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1;gag:none,0,0,0,1;panties:none,255,255,255,1;top:bra,0,0,0,1;armwear:none,0,0,0,1;tops:none,255,255,255,1;bottoms:miniskirt,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1;legwear:pantyhose,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1;footwear:none,10,10,10,1,255,255,255,1;eyewear:none,0,0,0,1;headwear:none,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1;tonguePiercing:none,183,187,195,1;earring:ring,248,244,32,1;herTan:none,0;

Dynamic pulled down tank, by Rusty Shackleford
Boots, by Kir


Background:
[attachimg=1]

 

[Pim_gd]

Re: My First Dialogue

Mind attaching files to your post as an attachment?

I went over your dialogue. It's missing a lot of sentence endings - try to have your lines end with "...", "!", "?" or ".".

There's a serious coding error in your dialogue:
You forgot an "initial_settings" line. So variables like "line", "semen", "adjective" don't exist.
Beyond that, we have
throat4:"It's funny you calling me like that, when you have your mouth full of my big dick"{"sytle":"Him"}
sytle on line 73. Should be style.

Before releasing a dialogue, be sure to run it ingame, see if it gives you any errors.
I get:
79: Adding custom line: "Finally, you are near. You will lose, little brother."
80: Adding custom line: "false"
81: ERROR - Could not decode custom settings:
}
Unexpected }
caused by
pre_cum:"Finally, you are near. You will lose, little brother."{"held":"false"}
pre_cum"Oh, yes, I wanna feel your hot semen pouring down my throat."{"held":"false"}
You're missing a colon on line 115.

If you fix these issues I'll look over the dialogue in regards to spelling and grammar if you want me to.

 

[LoboLascivo]

Re: My First Dialogue

There, I attached the files. Thanks for the corrections! I fixed the issues. Would you check grammar and spelling?

 

[Pim_gd]

Re: My First Dialogue

Sure, will do.

Line 21: intro:"I can cum at will, I can last forever."{"check":{"introduction":"false"}, "style":"Him", "next":"intro1"}
Unknown variable "introduction"
I suggest you add the variable "introduction" to initial_settings.

Line 24: intro3:"Then, your girlfriends didn't knew how to do a good blowjob."{"next":"intro4"}
"didn't knew how to do a good blowjob" -> "didn't [b]know[/b] how to [b]give[/b] a good blowjob" ("do" is allowed here as it could be "to perform", but blowjobs are more gifts than actions)

Line 26: intro5:"All the guys with I've been didn't last even 15 minutes."{"next":"intro6"}
"with I've been" -> "that I've been with"
"didn't last even" -> "didn't even last"
Making the whole sentence "All the guys that I've been with didn't even last 15 minutes."

Line 27: intro6:"Hahaha, they were premies..."{"style":"Him", "next":"intro7"}
"premies"?

Line 28: intro7:"If I gave you a blowjob, you wouldn't last not even 15 minutes."{"next":"intro8"}
"wouldn't last not even" -> "wouldn't even last" (wouldn't not == double negative)

Line 32: intro11:"No way, I'll prove you right here, right now!"{"next":"intro12"}
"I'll prove you right here" seems to indicate she will proof him, somehow. I think you want to refer to the "bet". You can do that by changing "I'll prove you right here" to "I'll prove it to you right here".
If you want to add further emphasis, add a [TAP_HANDS] here between "right here," and "right now!". That'll make her seem a bit more enthusiastic about it as well.

Line 33: intro12:"Haha, you are a slut sis. Prove me how good you are, drunk bitch."{"style":"Him", "set":{"introduction":"true"}}
"Prove me how good you are" - Same here. It should be "Prove to me". But whereas she was referring to the "bet", the guy is referring to her ability. In that case, you might want to use "Show" - "Show me how good you are, drunk bitch." Your choice.

Line 41: lick_penis:"Should I lick it like an ice cream?"{"held":"false"}
"an ice cream" Ice cream is formless. It can be a cone, it can be a box, it can be one of those Ben & Jerry buckets.
Either define a shape "like an ice cream cone", or drop the article "like ice cream"

Line 51: general:"Do you like having your sister sucking your dick, don't you?"
"having your sister sucking your dick" - I'm not entirely sure but I think this should be "having your sister suck your dick". I'll use my replacement for explaining the other mistake in this line.
"don't you?" turns the sentence "Do you like having your sister suck your dick" into a question. But that's not needed, since the sentence already was a question. This leaves you with two solutions:
1: "You like having your sister suck your dick, don't you?"
2: "Do you like having your sister suck your dick?"

Line 56: general:"I can see the lust in his eyes. The same look he has for days."{"style":"Thought"}
I think you could add [LOOK_UP] at the start of this line to make it look like she's looking into his eyes, then thinking the line.
Additionally...
"The same look he has for days" feels off to me as it's about both future and past - I almost read "he has this often, and he's having this period again" from this. I'd rewrite it as "The same look he has had for days" but "He's been having this look for days now" might work as well.

Line 59: first_throat:"Hey!, don't push it too deep."{"held":"true","next":"throat1"}
[!,] I think I should add this to the checker... as it looks wrong. It seems you added the exclamation mark for extra emphasis.
I suggest you go all the way with this emphasis:
"Hey! Don't push it too deep!"
although it might even be better to say "Don't push it so deep!" ... but you're not sure it was pushed in very deep at all since this is a first_throat line. Do as you like.

Line 61: first_throat:"That's my throat!, you can't stick it there."{"held":"true"}
Same thing here - hold on a second... are you perhaps interpreting "first_throat" as "all the way in"? You should use first_dt lines for that.
... but yeah, !,
"That's my throat! You can't stick it there."

Line 62: first_throat:"Are you trying to choke me!?, Don't do that!"{"held":"true"}
Same thing here
"Are you trying to choke me!? Don't do that!"

Line 63: first_throat:"If you go any deeper I think I'll puke."{"held":"true"}
I think (but I'm not sure so do as you like) you're missing a comma here.
"If you go any deeper, I think I'll puke."

Line 64: first_throat:"Take it easy, it can go so deep."{"held":"true"}
What are you trying to say here? If it can go so deep, why should he take it easy?
Either explain the situation "so deep, but it takes time for my throat to fit around your cock." (which might be better for a resistance line)
or reverse the situation "it can't go so deep."

Line 68: first_throat:"I want to feel all your cock in my mouth."{"held":"false"}
All your base are belong to us, SDT style.
"to feel all your cock" -> "to feel all of your cock" OR "to feel your whole cock"

Line 69: first_throat:"I've never had such a big cock, I'll take the chance."{"held":"false"}
Once again, explain the situation somehow. What chance (or rather, risk) is she taking? Suffocation?

Lines 73 and 74:
73: throat3:"Well, we can try that, little brother."{"next":"throat4"}
74: throat4:"Don't call me like that when you have your mouth full of my dick, Sis."{"sytle":"Him"}
The girl can't talk if her mouth is full.
Line 74 - typo! It's "style", not "sytle".

Line 75: throat4:"It's funny you calling me like that, when you have your mouth full of my big dick."{"style":"Him"}
The line doesn't quite fit.
Try "It's funny to have you call me that, (...)"

Line 78: first_dt:"My little brother's cock it's deep in my throat."{"style":"Thought","held":"true"}
These are two sentences.
Either combine or split them.
Combine: "My little brother's cock is deep in my throat."
Split: "My little brother's cock... it's deep in my throat." OR "My little brother's cock, it's deep in my throat."

Line 79: first_dt:"Oh, I fuckin' love the feel of your dick going down my throat!"{"style":"Thought","held":"false"}
"the feel" is correct, but I think it'd be better to say "the feeling". Your choice.

Line 81: first_dt:"I gagged with your big cock, brother. And i loved it..."{"style":"Thought","held":"false"}
"to gag on" and self reference is capital I. "gagging with" is "to shut someone up", and is phrased differently like "I am gagged with your big cock"
The line should be "I gagged on your big cock, brother. And I loved it..."

Line 88: vigorous:"Please stop! remember how we used to play together when we were kids."{"held":"true"}
New sentence, so capitalize.
"Please stop! Remember how we (...)"

Line 93: vigorous:"If I keep like this, you will lose, hahaha!"{"held":"false"}
"keep like this" infers the meaning "to keep still". I suggest replacing that bit with "keep going like this"

Line 99: held:"[COUGH]Hey,[COUGH] I almost choke!"{"held":"true"}
correct form of "to choke" past tense is "I choked".
"I almost choked!"

Line 105: held:"Do you like me choking with your hard cock?"{"held":"false"}
"Do you like me choking with your hard cock" -> "Do you like choking me with your hard cock"

Line 107: held:"You are so perverted, enjoying having your sister choking with your junk."{"held":"false"}
"with your junk" -> "on your junk"

Line 112: pre_cum:"You can cum in my boobs if you want, little perv."{"held":"true"}
In front, behind, between, in, on, out, under, above, aside of, those are a set of locations that you can be in relation to an object.
When it comes to cumming and boobs, "between" and "on" are most common. "under" and "above" are valid but are basically the girl saying "Don't come on my boobs" which is boring as it's implied.
I'd change it to "on my boobs" as she's not giving him a titjob.

Line 118: pre_cum:"Oh, I wanna taste your hot, thick, sticky semen. Cum in my mouth*, YOU*!"{"held":"false"}
This is the first reference I see to *YOU*. Did you intend this, or is it a scar from previous editting? It's not wrong, though. Just a comment of mine.

Line 119: pre_cum:"Fill my filthy whore's mouth with your load."{"held":"false"}
So much dirty talk, add some emphasis! Begone with that period and be a man, add an exclamation mark!
Compare:
pre_cum:"Fill my filthy whore's mouth with your load."{"held":"false"}
pre_cum:"Fill my filthy whore's mouth with your load!"{"held":"false"}

Line 124: cum_in_mouth:"This isn't what we agreed, this is so disgusting."{"held":"true"}
"what we agreed" - some part seems missing. Either change it to "what we agreed on" OR "what was supposed to happen" OR "what I wanted" OR "what I agreed to" OR "nice at all" OR... plenty of options.

Line 127: cum_in_mouth:"You want me to drink your thick load?[SWALLOW] Mmmmm, so hot and sticky, I feel like a dirty slut, your dirty slut."{"held":"false"}
Nothing wrong, but you could add extra emphasis...
cum_in_mouth:"You want me to drink your thick load?[SWALLOW] Mmmmm, so hot and sticky, I feel like a dirty slut[SWALLOW]... your dirty slut."{"held":"false"}
And boom, emphasis. The line just got that much more impact to it.

Line 128: cum_in_mouth:"[DROOL]What a big load, you were very excited, don't you? I couldn't swallow it all, what a shame..."{"held":"false"}
"you were very excited, don't you" -> "you were very excited, weren't you"

Line 132: swallow:"It tasted so bad, made me gag. Don't dare to do it again!"{"held":"true"}
The last part looks strange. Maybe "Don't [b]you[/b] dare to do it again!".

Line 133: swallow:"Fucking bastard, your semen is repulsive!"{"held":"true"}
Have you considered playing with moods? Lines like this could make use of [ANGRY_MOOD]. Just be sure to change her mood in other places in the dialogue as well, or she'll be angry the whole time.

Line 148: cum_on_face:"This is so disgusting. I only agreed sucking your dick."{"held":"true"}
And on making him cum within 15 minutes. Not a mistake as it can be played like this for style.

Line 153: cum_on_face1:"Hahaha, like you never have done this before."
Add {"style":"Him"}, or it will look like she's gone crazy.

Line 155: cum_on_face:"Oh, yeah, you covered my face with your hot semen."{"held":"false"}
Not a mistake, but I feel "Oh, yeah, " slows down the sentence unnecessarily. "Oh yeah, " would work better.

Line 156: cum_on_face:"I look like a nasty slut, with all your load dripping from my face. I like it."{"held":"false"}
"all" is not needed here. If you do feel the need to point out it's "all of his load", try using the word "whole" ->: "with your whole load dripping"

Line 157: cum_on_face:"Yes, I love being covered with semen, I feel such a slut..."{"held":"false"}
"feel such a slut" -> "feel like such a slut"

Line 158: cum_on_face:"You are a perv, cumming on your sisters face, covering she with your sticky, thick jizz...Mmm, I'm so wet!"{"held":"false"}
"covering she" -> "covering her" and add a space after the ellipsis ("thick jizz...Mmm" -> "thick jizz... Mmm")

Line 159: cum_on_face:"Such a mess you done, my pervy brother."{"held":"false"}
Messes are made, not done. Unless you're humping a girl that can only be described as a mess... only then are you "doing a mess" (and doing that would probably create a mess aswell).
"Such a mess you've made, (...)"

Line 163: cum_in_nose:"Oh my goooooood!, I think I'm going to puke! I will smell your cum forever!"{"held":"true"}
!,
"Oh my goooooood! I think I'm going to puke! I will smell your cum forever!"

Line 166: cum_in_eye:"Hey!, watch your aim!"
!,
"Hey! Watch your aim!"

Lines 184 and 185:
184: restart0:"I have not finished yet, I want more of your *semen*, it's so *adjective*"
185: restart0:"Give me more! Fill me with your *adjective* *semen*"

Finish the sentence. I suggest using an exclamation mark.

And that's it!
Yes, that's a LOT of things I wrote down. They're easy to work through, though.

 

[LoboLascivo]

Re: My First Dialogue

Well, it could have been worse, right? right!? :P
Thanks for taking the time to check the text! It helps me to understand the language.
I apologize for my bad english.

I'll add some mood changes, to emphasize the lines.

I have one doubt about the correction in line 105:

Line 105: held:"Do you like me choking with your hard cock?"{"held":"false"}
"Do you like me choking with your hard cock" -> "Do you like choking me with your hard cock"

The idea is that she is choking herself with his cock (she is giving the blowjob, isn't being forced). How should the sentence be?

 

[Pim_gd]

Re: My First Dialogue

How about "Do you like watching me choke on your hard cock?"

 

[LoboLascivo]

Re: My First Dialogue

Sounds nice, thanks!

 

[Pim_gd]

Re: My First Dialogue

Since it was a huge list and mistakes can be made when applying these changes I'll look through it once more...

Line 59: first_throat:"Hey! don't push it too deep!"{"held":"true","next":"throat1"}
capitalize the "d" of "don't push it" as that's a new sentence.

Line 61: first_throat:"That's my throat! you can't stick it there."{"held":"true"}
capitalize the "y" of "you can't stick it there" as that's a new sentence.

Line 69: first_throat:"I've never had such a big cock, I'll seize the opportunity"{"held":"false"}
Missing a period, exclamation mark or question mark at the end of the line.

Line 148: cum_on_face:"This is so disgusting. I only agreed sucking your dick."{"held":"true"}
"I only agreed sucking your dick" -> "I only agreed to sucking your dick"
I'm sorry for not catching this one in the first run through.

And that's it!
Thanks for allowing me to check your dialogue.

 

[dagonachi]

Sorry I'm kind of new at modding and stuff. Like I'm a huge fail noob and stuff. How do you get the awesome shirt and boots?

 

[LoboLascivo]

Sorry I'm kind of new at modding and stuff. Like I'm a huge fail noob and stuff. How do you get the awesome shirt and boots?

You can find Kir's boots here: http://www.sdtmods.com/index.php?topic=888.0

And the pulled down tank by Rusty Shackleford here: http://www.sdtmods.com/index.php?topic=3817.0

You have to import both, using the "swf mod" button under the "modding" tab in game.

 

[lordandrew1]

prob the weirdest convo iv read... Just letting ya know :P

 

[Bluey5]

Incest......a nice fetish. I like it! Awesome job with this!

 

[LoboLascivo]

Incest......a nice fetish. I like it! Awesome job with this!

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

 

[ForgottenOne]

Is this done in auto mode? Or do I have to manually 'do' it? I cant get the dialogue to 'start', i just get random lines.

 

[Pim_gd]

Like all dialogues with intro lines:
Wait a bit. I'm talking about 10-15 seconds. Don't stuff her mouth in the meantime.

 

[ForgottenOne]

But still, is it auto mode or 'manual'?

 

[Pim_gd]

I think it's meant for manual.
But to be honest... try things out!
If it doesn't seem to play nicely in auto mode, give her a hand.

 

[karlpaws]

Is this done in auto mode? Or do I have to manually 'do' it? I cant get the dialogue to 'start', i just get random lines.

Like all dialogues with intro lines:
Wait a bit. I'm talking about 10-15 seconds. Don't stuff her mouth in the meantime.

Some dialogs will be written with no introductory story based lines, but may still have "intro" lines for the idle times pre-deepthroat. Others will have some back and forth comments between the two or one speaking to the other to setup the story. If you do not know which kind you have, you could open the dialog in Notepad or other plain text editor and read it.

You can also do as Pim_gd said... wait a few seconds until the dialog triggers the intro lines for the first time. When the intro is done, if there is one, then engage the Auto mode.

Some dialogs that are heavy on story might not work in auto even after that, but the author will usually give some indication or warning in the posting for the dialog.