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Urban Shift

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by Raden, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Just a quick one, or so I think. We'll see how long it takes me to do this. This one ends in death and is much more violent than the ones I usually write. Fair warning. I edited the ending and made it even more violent and gory. This should probably have an 18+ rating on it, to be honest.

    _________

    Shun Ying stepped out of her Triad sports car. She held a note from Brad Hawk telling her he was in trouble and that he needed to meet her at this abandoned warehouse.

    She opened the doors and walked in. "Brad? Brad, are you in here?"

    She was about 15 feet into the warehouse when she whirled at the sound of the doors slamming shut behind her. Bain and Cooper grinned evilly at her. A voice spoke from the shadows.

    "So, the Chinatown Triad leader is that easily fooled? I have to admit, I did not expect this to work, but this is just... words don't even describe it. Foolish. Stupid. They just don't seem to do the job well enough. Well, Shun Ying, your little rule over Chinatown is done. The Shadow Platoon is taking over, and we have our own ideas on how to do things..."

    A figure stepped from the shadows. It was the Shadow Platoon leader, McKinzie. "Expecting Brad? I'm afraid that, as you may have surmised by now, he is not here. However, what is here is the Shadow Platoon's ascension to the leadership of Chinatown." Shun Ying was so fixated on staring holes through McKinzie that she failed to noticed Bain and Cooper sneaking up behind her. Bain managed to quickly grab her in a sleeper choke from behind. He squeezed the hold on her, and Shun Ying gasped. She tried to pry his arms away, but he was too strong, and the hold was locked in too tight. Shun Ying began to flail frantically. She tried elbowing Bain in the ribs, but it had no effect on him. She squeezed her eyes closed and gritted her teeth, trying again to pry his arm away, to no avail. He made sure to loosen the hold just enough so she could breathe when Cooper swung a crowbar at her, catching her full in the stomach and ribs. All the air was driven out of Shun Ying, and Bain released the choke. She fell to her hands and knees, coughing. The three of them gathered around her. Cooper kicked her in the stomach, and she flattened out onto her side. The three of them then commenced to basically mugging her, putting the boots to her. Kicks and stomps landed on her anywhere there was available space. She felt like a slab of meat being tenderized.

    After they finished kicking the tar out of her, McKinzie motioned to his gang flunkies. They nodded, and then picked her up. Each of them held one of her arms. McKinzie lifted her head with his fingers under her chin. "Is this really all you have? This is really sad for the supposed Triad leader." Shun Ying needed to make a move, and she did. She brought her knee into McKinzie's crotch, doubling him over and eliciting a howl of pain. He fell to the floor holding his crotch. Shun Ying then swung her leg backwards, catching Bain in the same sensitive place. Bain let her arm go, instinctively grabbing his crotch and roaring in pain, falling to the ground. Now that she had use of her right arm, she spun and caught Cooper with an elbow to the nose, breaking it. As he recoiled, she landed a few more strikes including a flying knee to the side of the head. As she was concerning herself with not getting caught by Bain and Cooper, McKinzie had recovered enough to stand. He grabbed a sledgehammer and drove it into the back of her leg, making her cry out and drop to her knees. He then took the sledgehammer and angled it so the handle was pointing up, and rammed it into her spine, knocking her to the floor. A sickening wave of pain shot through her back.

    McKinzie circled around her. She struggled to get up. She had pushed herself up to her hands and knees again. McKinzie gave her another hammer shot, this time higher near her shoulder blades. She grunted and crumpled again. Defiantly, she attempted to push herself up again. She strained and struggled, and McKinzie waited. He knew she wasn't really going to go anywhere. After she had pushed herself up again, McKinzie drove the sledgehammer into her back again, and again she met the floor with force. Cooper grabbed a handful of her long black hair, raised her head up, and slammed her face into the floor. Her skull bounced off the concrete floor of the warehouse. McKinzie motioned for them to pick her up again. "You must know I could have swung for the fences and snapped your spine into fifty pieces by treating it like it was a gravel quarry... but no, not that easily. You will definitely suffer first." He took the hammer and hit her across the jaw with it, hard enough to break her jaw but not hard enough to knock her completely senseless, or kill her. He then fired a straight right hand at her face, breaking her nose. He unsheathed his hunting knife and made a slash across her forehead, which began to spill blood. Blood quickly ran down her face and dripped onto her chest and arms.

    "Turnabout is fair play, isn't it?" Sheathing his knife, McKinzie delivered a swift kick to her crotch. She yelled out and fell to the floor. "Hurts, doesn't it? It'll only get worse from here..."

    Bain grabbed her arm and trapped it between his legs, then clamped her around the face and wrenched back in a cross-face neck breaker. Shun Ying screamed out in pain. Screwing her eyes shut, she bit her lip to avoid the intense searing fire working its way through her neck, down her body, into her legs. Bain held her there for what seemed like an eternity. Pain flowed through every inch of her body like molten steel being poured on her. He let her go and then rolled her over, and put her in an arm bar. He snapped her arm at the elbow. She cried out in pain and shock as she saw her arm bend way too far back, knowing it was likely never going to be usable again. He continued to torque her broken arm. Bone grinded against bone, skewering sinew and muscle. He finally let the hold go. As he got to his feet, Cooper started laying in some kicks to the stomach. Each one felt like a boulder as it slammed into her stomach, threatening to disperse her lunch throughout the warehouse. Shun Ying lay bloody and beaten on the floor. McKinzie had absolutely no heart, soul or conscience, as he ordered her up again. Bain and Cooper scraped her up off the floor. McKinzie snapped his fingers. Bain put her in another arm-trap choke hold again. Shun Ying could only gag and choke, having no energy to fight back with. As Bain flexed his arms squeezing her neck tight, he began to violently shake her from side to side like a rag doll. Shun Ying was limp in his chokehold, too weak to fight back at all. He stopped shaking, and held her up. While Bain continued choking her, Cooper punched her in the face. Her head snapped to the side as he caught her in the jaw. The second punch split her lip. Shun Ying's eyes were beginning to roll and close. The third landed on her broken nose, breaking it in the other direction. The fourth one hit her in the eye. Shun Ying was on the verge of passing out in the choke hold when he unceremoniously dropped her on the floor in a heap. Shun Ying gasped for air. Bain and Cooper had her blood on them. The three of them watched her for a while. She finally stopped gasping for air. McKinzie motioned her up yet again.

    "And now, for the grand finale."

    He grabbed her in a rolling leg lock, and bent her leg backwards at the knee. It snapped with a loud crack, like a piece of wood. Shun Ying's brain was overloaded with pain. She screamed. He grabbed her by the throat and picked her up with one hand. He then hoisted her into the air by the throat and viciously choke slammed her. The light in her eyes began to dim. He goozled her by the throat and hauled her up to her feet again. Unable to stand on her own, McKinzie held her up by her neck. "Well, this surely has been fun... but all good things must come to an end." He unsheathed his long razor-sharp hunting knife with his free hand, and quickly rammed it into her stomach. She began to spew blood from her mouth. McKinzie held the knife in her stomach for a heartbeat before withdrawing it. He placed the tip squarely over her heart. She saw the knife, glistening with the crimson sheen of her blood, and knew what was coming. She watched the knife enter her chest as it slashed through her heart. She didn't feel the pain of the knife entering her body. All she felt was a cold, numb sensation, as if someone had just dropped the thermostat by 30 degrees, as she went into cardiogenic shock. He pulled the knife from her chest, and tilted her head back. Her breathing had become shallow, which was remedied as he drew the knife across her throat, slashing it wide open. She didn't feel that either, her brain having shut down her nerves. Blood began to pour like a river from her throat. She felt very cold and numb. Finally, he grabbed her by the hair, and brought her face into his knee as he raised it at the same time, doubling the force of the impact. She didn't feel it anyway, but it snapped her head back and she landed on the floor. Blood pooled around her from her multiple fatal knife wounds. She died moments later in a large pool of blood.

    "I'm not finished quite yet. Hand me the sledgehammer."

    Bain retrieved the sledgehammer and handed it off to McKinzie. McKinzie swung it into Shun Ying's stomach, leaving a sledgehammer crater in it and splashing blood and innards everywhere. He raised the hammer and brought it down on her dead body as hard as he could, again and again, rupturing and splitting muscles like they were overcooked hotdogs, shattering and destroying bones. He beat every appendage on her body, breaking everything he could. He shattered her legs, her calves being run through by shards of bone. He destroyed her knees. He brought the hammer down on her arms, splitting them open. He punched another hole through her chest with it. He rolled Shun Ying's body facedown so he could beat the other side. Another hammer blow to the legs, ripping open the muscles forcefully. He broke her spine in half. He pounded a sledgehammer crater through her back.

    Shun Ying's corpse was no longer a body, but just a pile of bloody, fatty raw meat, like what you might find in a butcher shop.

    "Excellent work, men. The Shadow Platoon's rise to prominence begins now."

    They then poured gasoline all over the floor of the warehouse, and saturated what used to be Shun Ying with it. They set fire to her desecrated corpse, and burned down the warehouse. Nobody would ever identify her, being beaten and burned beyond resembling a human being.

    ________

    Wow, this was probably the most violent one I've ever written. I don't usually care to end them in death like that, but if you've played Urban Reign, you know how almost-sickeningly violent the moves can be, so I had to reflect that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2012
  2. TheCrimsonRisk

    TheCrimsonRisk Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    I really liked this.

    It was certainly violent, but as you noted, it suited the nature of the source material. You also have to consider that we're dealing with criminals and gang bangers here so this story could really only end in one way for the heroine. I actually think you did a good job of going into detail without getting too gory. Your description of the rolling leg lock is a good example of this. I especially like how all you wrote about her reaction was, "She screamed." It's simple and leaves room for personal interpretation.

    My only advice would be to maybe give yourself some more time to describing the various holds. At times it almost jumped from peril to peril too quickly. Your writing is good so feel free to spread your wings a bit, you know? Solid work.
     
  3. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Well the last couple holds were meant to be fast transitions, actually, but I will try to remember that for the future.

    Also I'm going to add a gory piece to the end.
     
  4. Parasitoro

    Parasitoro Vivacious Visitor Ryonani Teamster

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    Would you be okay with writing requests?
     
  5. blitzrunner

    blitzrunner Guest

    well now.. in the last response I had for you about the Final Fight not having enough description in the heroines pain.... well this one more than makes up for it!!!!
    you say this might your most Violent Fanfic, but I think you hit the notch on how violent the game itself is and carried that over in the story. My one thing is, I think they would have DONE her before finishing her off... cuz ya know ShunYing is frick'n gorgeous, but ya know.. not every violent beat down on a girl from obviously homicidal criminal has to be sexually related =P

    love the story, your best thus far in terms of ryona and violence... although I greatly enjoyed your other stories for sheer storyline as well
     
  6. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Hmm. Depending on the source material (I have to know it) and the nature of it (rape is a no go) I may think about that, sure.

    Blitzrunner: True, I don't generally go for the rape stuff myself. The ONLY thing that seems acceptable to me is in MUGEN, with the slime character. I really couldn't tell you why my brain works the way it does. It's like how the only time buckets of blood is generally acceptable in my ryona is when it is in Mortal Kombat. I wouldn't want to see the Soul Calibur or Tekken girls bleed buckets, but when it comes to Mortal Kombat, let 'em gush, I say. It may have to do with how Mortal Kombat has been presented for 20 years.

    Thanks for the compliments, I'm glad you enjoyed them! I hope you like what I come up with next, I'm writing it with you in mind. It won't be as killer violent as this, but the victim I hope will more than make up for that. ;)

    Expect that in your stocking (ie here) Christmas eve sometime :D
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2011
  7. blitzrunner

    blitzrunner Guest

    very much so looking forward to this good sir =)
     
  8. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Just so you guys know, I updated this to be a little more descriptive, now that I am a little better at this. I hope you'll give it another read.
     
  9. TheCrimsonRisk

    TheCrimsonRisk Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Raden, you might have gone too far here. I was actually going to mention that you might have underestimated the impact of a sledgehammer earlier in the story, but by the end I think you depicted it accurately. It was kind of rough reading about the beautiful Shun Ying literally being reduced to a piece of meat. Then again, this is ryona and like I mentioned in my last comment, these gang members are not likely to be models of restraint.

    I really liked the relentlessness of the villains' attack. A good mix of punches, kicks and wrestling holds. I got the feeling that this was serious business. I've watched some of those Urban Reign videos and I've found the ryona kind of disappointing animation-wise. Your story was like Urban Reign mixed with Mortal Kombat, though not as funny. I'm frankly a bit scared for the next poor heroine who gets included in your stories.
     
  10. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    If you've never played the game, it'd be sort of natural to wonder about it. Trust me, the moves in that game are all sorts of nasty and I tried to reflect that. Definitely serious stuff in that game. Also clearly if you have only watched video, I don't blame you for thinking that. If you have a PS2/3 I would see what you can do about getting the game. I got it on the cheap, and that was years ago.
     
  11. Tonug

    Tonug Avid Affiliate Ryonani Teamster

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    I know this is a bit time bump but this story is freaking awesome. I don't really like over the top violence (like guro), but your somewhat realistic violence is awesome, you do it so well. Love how you physically crush and snap the victims (sounds crazy but yeah lol). I'd love to see Cassie Cage from MK in a similar situation vs Kano. The backbreakers, rib breaking, hair grabbing, face smashing. Choking.

    I know this is an older story, but you I think one thing you can do more is be more descriptive of the heroine's body and sexy clothing.

    Anyway awesome stuff, glad I went back to this one.
     
  12. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Not opposed to a MK story but Cassie sorta looks like she's already been in a lot of fights, if you know what I mean. :p
     
  13. Tonug

    Tonug Avid Affiliate Ryonani Teamster

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    I think I know what you mean? :p
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2015
  14. kirakuya1101

    kirakuya1101 Avid Affiliate

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    Same here, Tonug. I wouldn't mind seeing Cassie getting the punishment she deserves. With that brash mouth and cocky attitude of hers, she's bound to get hers sooner or later.
     
  15. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    Hmm. Might have to take a shot at it then. She isn't fantastic looking or anything (but I blame that on Netherrealm Studios who I think only approximated what females looks like) but there is one fantastic story in there I can tell. And it does give me an excuse to get fatally violent, given the source material. I might have to do this.
     
  16. Snowballs

    Snowballs Casual Client Ryonani Teamster

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    Great read dude! I usually don't venture into the fiction side of the forum but this was excellent. Inspiring really, I kind of want to return back to creating XNAlara images... I really enjoy the violence and defeat. Over the top insult-to-injury is always a huge plus for me. I hope you continue to write more =)
     
  17. h0ly123

    h0ly123 Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    I thought you might have been joking with your first post about Cassie but I guess you weren't lol. MKX certainly has faces that are LEAGUES above what they put out for MKX and Injustice, I haven't seen any where near as many complaints about them as usual. Bodies more proportional too.
     
  18. Tonug

    Tonug Avid Affiliate Ryonani Teamster

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    Just pretend she looks like this. :D

    [​IMG]

    - - - Updated - - -

    but dude it'd be so awesome if you did one with her. If you aren't too familiar with her. I'd describe her like this

    - Cocky
    - reckless/aggressive fighting style, which can backfire hard.
    - bit of a trash talker
    - knows she's hot
    - doesnt take things too seriously, or at least tries to hide it but...
    - She loses confidence if the opponent she's facing is more powerful than she expected
    - She's a good guy (gal), cares about others and doing whats right
    - But she doesnt follow a code and isn't too concerned with honor or a fair fight (like say, Kasumi)
    - Glass cannon: She can deal a lot of damage and but can't take too much damage.


    Just my interpretation of the character though. If you got a good story idea and different interpretation of the character, roll with it!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 13, 2015
  19. Raden

    Raden Club Regular Ryonani Teamster

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    If Cassie looked like that I'd have a current gen console already lol. Okay, I might make it a thing, since my current one is going nowhere whereas I have this one on my mind...
     
  20. Tonug

    Tonug Avid Affiliate Ryonani Teamster

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    She'll look like that next-next-gen :D