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Break her 1.3

Warning: this is my first dialogue.

Background: After discovering a secret plot a young woman is capture by a corrupt king and brought to his dungeon.

Note:
mods are encouraged
sorry for any typos or misspelled words
dungeon backgrounds are recommended

I hope you enjoy :smile:
Author
Cummer
Downloads
773
Views
2,275
First release
Last update
Rating
3.00 star(s) 1 ratings

Latest updates

  1. Small update

    Added more dialogue
  2. Small update

    More dialogue fixed some typos/ spelling errors
  3. Break her

    changed some things :)

Latest reviews

Checked your dialogue. I do hope some of words in reply of it make any sense. Before anything: Congratulations for your first Dialogue.

On the technical level:

Yes; there were many typos. Most of them are punctuation marks. All of them have the period missing, which visually makes it feel incomplete. There are two dialogues of her that feature "cant" instead of "can´t" and two dialogues of her, that feature "did´nt" or "Did´t" instead of "Didn´t"

One of her lines read: "Hey jack ass. Some people nead to breath" (Should be changed to "need")

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On the title/objective:

The title of this dialogue is "Break her" and at first glance I wasn´t really sure what you meant by that, until I reached one of her lines "I´m near my breaking point" which later gave me the mood change. (I was wondering why you added two different moods for a text named like that but it made sense) Maybe you could think of a progression, telling us more of how does the woman "breaks" bit by bit on different levels more than just one straight jump. (Consider how many times does she plan to scape and actually we don´t get to see her thinking of something more real)

Also the man planning to break the woman line should be at the beggining to have a clear objective.

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On the dialogue itsel:

I like the interaction between the man and the woman in this dialogue. The responses are quick and efficient; even when the response is just a thought.

There are lines that, I believe, are really interesting and I liked them:

"Next time I´ll just steal the documents and give them to the public..." That´s a neat line! It makes us know briefly why the woman is there, gives a little context to the dialogue. You know what? Maybe you could start with this line as an intro. Instead with the casual "get away with this thing" you can start by showing us what does she think. It´s actually more interesting to start seeing the woman regretting some decisions made before.

"I´m surprised not even my wife can go at this pace"
This line enforces that relation between them. Maybe he is just being sarcastic, if not, it´s actually impressive to see him talk so openly about his wife to a captive woman. (Add more punctuation marks on this line)

"It´s a shame I must do this to you, you´re such a pretty girl"
This line is odd. But it builds relation between them. Both of the characters could have a change. One starts with hate and ends with compassion and one who starts being negative and ends positive (Not a suggestion, you can try many ways) Some lines are really similar to this one. They created relation but should serve one way or another.

There is a mention of the father of the woman which I found strange. I can´t imagine in which position is the father that could threaten a King. Also I´m pretty sure a King could get away with his actions, but sending a video to his victim´s father wouldn´t turn on his favor. Maybe if he is a dictator.

Which leads me to the last part.

On the theme:

At first I thought the dialogue was about a King in medieval times (the dungeon, an actual King, you know) but then I saw elements like documents and filming, which put me on a very different idea. Both times are really fine, but one should be chosen. If you want to make it on medieval times, you could enforce lines that show the power of the King and how his ego and power make him unstoppable, and you could change "documents" with "manuscript" or something similar. If you want to make it on modern times you could draw a royal family plot in a Europe country, and add lines to make the woman some kind of journalist or even a caught spy.

Many possibilities can be made. Again, congratulations for sharing your dialogue. I hope you find these words useful.
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