Clara Loft and the Jade Statue - the Short Story Adaptation: A Tomb Raider Fanfiction

Clara Loft and the Jade Statue - the Short Story Adaptation: A Tomb Raider Fanfiction

Note: All credit goes to @T0mcat for having conceived such a ridiculous yet fun-to-write concept.

Beware of occupational hazards.
Bright-blue, sunlit skies, white, sandy beaches, roaring waves, palm trees rustling in the wind, and colorful birds chirping deep in the vibrantly green jungle – a paradise, right? Unfortunately, this would never be the case for one particular British archaeologist.

Sweat beaded on Lara Croft’s forehead as she stomped her boots into the muddy ground in search of a strange, jade statue. Her brown eyes were alight with a fiery passion and determination as they searched left, right, hither and yonder for the cursed thing, but to no avail. In addition to her brown eyes and her hiking boots, she also sported today a pair of greyish dark-brown cargo shorts and a tank top of the same color to complement her smooth, sun-tanned complexion and her long, brown hair styled into a braided ponytail; additionally, she had on her fingerless gloves, her utility belt with her various knives and excavation tools, and one of her thigh holsters for one of her handguns that always got her out of whatever skirmish she came across.

“Uh, don’t you usually bring both of your pistols, Lara?” asked Matt earlier that morning over breakfast. Matt would be her partner for the assignment that day.

“I figured I’d travel light today,” Lara explained. “More guns means more ammo to carry, right? And for this assignment, it’s pretty unnecessary. I mean, what could go wrong?”

As Lara trekked around in the damp, humid jungle for what felt like forever by this point, Matt’s voice on her earpiece called.

“So, uh, you found that statue yet, Lara?”

“No, no I bloody haven’t, Matt,” she grumbled. “You?”

“Nope,” Matt answered. “Well, at least you have fresh air to breathe. It’s so dark and stuffy in this damn cave.” Lara laughed.

“Aww, what’s wrong? Afraid that I’m gonna eventually be the first to find the statue?”

“Jealous that you’re the one trekking through the jungle instead of me,” Matt remarked. “I mean, you’re the tomb raider after all. You’re better off being here than me. What gives?”

“Technically, yes. But I think...” Lara’s voice trailed off upon cutting away some more leaves with her machete and suddenly stumbling into what she had been searching for for weeks now.

“Blimey!” she exclaimed in triumph. “Matt...I found it.”

“Found what, Tomb Raider?”

“The statue, you bloke.” Lara laughed again at her partner. “I-I don’t know how, but I found it.”

“Well, thank God then,” Matt sighed in relief. “Now if I can just get out of this cave.”

Promptly, Lara walked over to the statue to get a better glimpse of it – it was a bald, completely naked man with only a crown atop his head. He had no face, and he was made entirely of jade, crown and all. The only unique feature that Lara could immediately make out was a long, fully erect penis. Beneath him was a smooth, stone platform he stood on, and on this platform was a tarnished gold plaque caked in mud and leaves, with a series of pictures inscribed on it.

“Huh. There are hieroglyphs inscribed with this statue, Matt,” Lara noticed.

“Crap! That reminds me, Lara,” Matt said. “Please, make sure that you remembered what that shaman told us, about how the statue has a weird effect on any woman near it.” Lara burst into laughter, and it was even louder than earlier.

“You actually believe that perverted tosser? Come on!”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“Yeah, right. Expect me to believe that same old man whose eyes were glued to my boobs the whole time.”

“Alright, alright. Fair point, Tomb Raider. Now, about those hieroglyphs – what do they say?” Lara crouched down to the gold plaque and wiped off the mud and leaves; even then, however, she had to squint down at the barely legible pictures.

“‘To free the magical force of the Man of Jade, one has to take in and polish his mighty Rod of Power,’” Lara read. “Whatever that means.”

“I don’t have a single clue either,” said Matt. “Listen, I think I’m gonna hurry up with getting out of this cave and try to return to the village before dark. I think you should also do the same.”

“Well, for once, you’re absolutely right,” said Lara, still trying to make out the meaning of the hieroglyphs.

‘To free the magical force of the Man of Jade, one has to take in and polish his mighty Rod of Power.’ What could that possibly mean?

“Best of luck with the statue, Lara. Be careful, and try to get make sure it gets back to me in one piece. Matt out.” With that, Matt hanged up, leaving Lara completely alone in the jungle.

Like I need to be told all that, by Matt of all people. Bloody git.

Under her breath, Lara mumbled the meaning of the hieroglyphs again. “‘To free the magical force of the Man of Jade, one has to take in and polish his mighty Rod of Power.’” When she leaned in for an even closer look, it immediately dawned on her what the meaning was.

“Oh, bloody hell,” she groaned. “This thing’s actually instructing me to suck that.” Lara pointed her finger at the statue’s manhood in disgust. Various discomforting thoughts flashed in her mind as nausea started to settle in. “Jesus, I have to actually give this statue a blowjob? What kind of sick trick is this?” In frustration, she kicked the muddy ground, only to then splatter her knees in even more mud.

“Bollocks!” she cursed. After several more moments grumbling about the task, she took a deep sigh. Okay, Lara. You’re overreacting. There’s no one around here anyway. Why even care? To further calm herself and quench her dry mouth, she drew her canteen from her utility belt took a long gulp of water.

God. And to think water won’t be the only thing I’ll be swallowing soon. Once she finished, she took a deep breath and stared down at the jade phallus.

“I mean, with just a little water to wash...all this...off...I guess this ritual will at least be somewhat tolerable.” Mustering up all the courage she could, she poured a bit of her water over the phallus and dried it with her shirt; once the task was done, she opened her mouth.

Well, here goes nothing.

Lara began the ritual with a hesitant lick of her tongue against the tip of the jade man’s manhood; she swirled it all around while she kept her eyelids shut in revulsion.

God, I really hope nobody’s around. I’d hate to think what the headlines will be if I’m ever caught.

Lara then upped the ante when she proceeded to wrap her lips around the tip, the feeling of disgust growing ever more. Nevertheless, she suckled on it. Simultaneously, an involuntary feeling started to grow in her in addition to her disgust – a strange feeling of arousal making her gradually wet in her panties. And it wasn’t from sweating.

What the...what’s happening to me?

After several more moments spent on just suckling the tip, Lara went even deeper and deeper, picking up the pace along the way as she began bobbing her head on the jade statue’s manhood, taking his whole length into her mouth and down her throat each time. Spit seeped out of her mouth and coated the shaft and head, as well as dribbling from her lips, and her chin, towards the balls. And then, out of nowhere, an audible moan of pleasure escaped from Lara.

“Oh, what the bloody hell’s happening to me?” she moaned though a mouthful of the jade cock. Eventually, however, Lara found the will to pull her mouth off of it (at least for a moment) and catch her breath. Deeply, she gasped and panted for air while a string of spit from her lips connected her to the tip.

“Lara?”

“Ah!” Suddenly, Matt’s voice came up again on Lara’s earpiece, causing her to scream in startlement.

“Matt?! What the fuck?” she swore.

“S-Sorry, Lara,” Matt apologized. “I didn’t mean to...what are you doing anyway? I keep hearing weird suck –”

“It’s nothing, Matt,” Lara interrupted. God. This is so embarrassing.

An awkward pause between the two ensued as each of them tried to circumvent the fact that one just heard the other fellate a statue, of all things.

So,” said Matt, finally breaking the pause. “I, uh, finally found my way out of the cave, and I just wanted to let you know about that.”

Lara sighed in frustration and replied, “Well, it’s good to know you’re safe now.”

“Was that the...ritual you were perform –”

“Yes, Matt, it is,” Lara snapped. “Don’t tell anyone about this. Got it? And you better not be recording this call or wanking off to this for all I know.”

“No, I won’t, Lara,” said Matt. “Matt out.” And once again, Lara was left to her own devices in the middle of a jungle with a jade statue sporting a boner bigger than any banger Lara had with her mash from time to time.

Lara’s mind and mouth returned to the statue matter once more. And even though she spent another five minutes or so drooling and deepthroating the rod of power with as much vigor as she could muster, there continued to be no effect whatsoever, save for her increased involuntary arousal from the whole affair.

“Why isn’t there anything happening?” she hissed in frustration. “Unless...” Her eyes then lowered down to the statue’s balls. They were highly detailed, just as the manhood was – slightly shriveled scrotum and everything. And they were perfectly proportional to the girth and length of the rod of power above it.

“Oh, of course!” Lara exclaimed. “Like my friends keep telling me, ‘Never forget the balls.’” She then ducked her head down and began to lightly suckle the balls with her lips while her tongue slathered them. Meanwhile, as if with a mind of its own, her hand snaked down to her crotch and began to massage away at her increasingly moist folds.

Oh, what’s happening to me? Really?! In an attempt to fight off the unwanted touch, she fought her masturbation hand with her other.

Come on! Just...

Before she could successfully win the battle against her own body, the statue suddenly came to life and grabbed Lara by the back of her head; it then proceeded to jam its member all the way down Lara’s throat, making her gag and almost vomit. Muffled screams escaped as she cried for help through the mouthful of the statue’s powerful cock, but to no avail.

Promptly, the statue proceeded to thrust in and out of Lara’s mouth; more streams of spit seeped out and crawled down her lips, to her chin, before either continuing to crawl down to the statue’s balls or landing on her firm, supple tits.

Fuck! What do I do?! Oh, for fuck’s sake, what do I do?!

As the statue slowly picked up the pace at pounding away at her throat, the archaeologist momentarily found freedom of movement in her arms.

Yes! My arms are free again. If I could just...reach for my pistol.

Unfortunately for Lara, however, the moment she managed to draw her gun and point it at the statue’s torso, the statue kicked the gun out of her hand.

Fuck! Why is this happening to me? And why the hell didn’t I bring my other pistol?

It was especially at Lara’s escape attempt that the statue went even harder on Lara’s throat, pounding it at the pace of a jackhammer, whilst simultaneously rendering Lara’s arms useless once again with its unexplainable powers. Lara was now completely at its mercy. No! Her throat became increasingly sore over the course of the whole ordeal to the point where it was unbearable for her; the pain then peaked at the same time the statue did when it made one last thrust into her throat and unleashed its ungodly seed straight into her stomach. Again, with its mystical abilities, it made the unfortunate archaeologist swallow every last drop, savoring each and every time her throat tightened up to swallow. Once it pulled out of Lara’s mouth for the last time, she gasped for every bit of air she could as a mixture of spit and cum spilled down her chin and onto her breasts and the ground beneath her.

“Fucking hell!” she choked, her head bent down as she gagged. Again, much to the Tomb Raider’s misfortune, the statue took advantage of the opportunity and lightly stomped onto the back of Lara’s head, making her face land onto the puddle of spit and cum.

“Argh!” she cried. With her on all fours now, the statue proceeded to rip her shorts, revealing her voluptuous, well-toned, bare ass.

“What are you...ah!” In a split second, the statue penetrated Lara’s womanhood and thrusted in and out of her just as quickly as it did when it was down her throat.

“Fuc...king...hell!” she shouted between thrusts, her agonizing screams echoing throughout the jungle.

Several moments later, Lara the familiar sound of boots against the muddy ground. Oh, thank God! Someone’s coming.

“Help! Help!” she cried. Matt then came into view, full gear and everything, with a nest of messy black hair atop his head and a visible layer of sweat on his almost-sunburned skin. Along with a backpack, an olive-green shirt, tan cargo shorts and dark-brown hiking boots, he also carried on his shoulder a large camera trained on the archaeologist.

“What the Fuck are you doing, Matt?!” she spat, outraged at the sight of him.

“I...I have to film this, Lara. I must film this,” he replied in a monotone voice; his expression, blank. He was in a complete trance, as Lara quickly realized. Oh no! I’m fucked!

As the statue continued its assault on the womb of the Tomb Raider, Matt hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts and underwear and pulled those off. He promptly proceeded to stroke himself before Lara whilst maintaining his blank expression, and this further added to the mental and physical pain Lara endured. When she once again took momentary control of her arm, she attempted to scoop up a handful of dirt to throw at the statue despite its lack of any facial features; needless to say, this was also to no avail. And in response, the statue lifted Lara and proceeded to continue pound away at her whilst keeping her in a full Nelson hold.

“Argh!” she cried. “Why can’t I get out of here?” After several more thrusts, the statue fired off another massive load straight into Lara. The pain in her womanhood seared to the point where tears streamed from her eyes. Additionally, her clitoris twitched until she, too, experienced her own orgasm, and an involuntary one at that. A stream of her translucent cum squirted from her vulva and managed to somewhat even land on the tip of Matt’s own cock. Using this as lubrication, he stroked faster and faster until he, as well, came, with the white ropes of his cum landing next to the spit-cum puddle Lara’s face laid in just moments ago.

A perceptible atmosphere of exhaustion in the air came about as all three found themselves with a feeling of post-orgasmic sleepiness washing over them.

“F-Fuck,” Lara panted. Meanwhile, the statue proceeded to drop her back onto the muddy, cum-covered ground that was now making the air smell more like a stuffy brothel in Las Vegas than a humid but refreshing jungle in South America. Once all was said and done, Matt turned the camera on himself.

“Well, you saw it all folks,” he said, before he, too, fell to the ground and dropped the camera in the process. As the sleep slowly overtook him, the statue walked over to its pedestal and returned to its original inanimate state.

Several weeks later, Lara woke up to find herself in a bed. Her mouth was dry, her eyelids heavy with drowsiness. When she took in the familiar scent of hand sanitizer, rubber gloves, and other things used for sanitation, she immediately realized where she was.

“Thank God. A hospital,” she mumbled. Right when she was about to call for a nurse to assist her, a doctor entered.

“Hello, Ms. Croft,” said the doctor.

“H-Hi,” she responded, her voice hoarse. “What happened? How long have I been out?”

“Three weeks to be exact.” Noticing how thirsty she was, he handed her a glass of water that was next to her bed.

“Thank you,” she said. She then took a long gulp, relishing in the newfound hydration.

“Listen, Lara, I’m going to need you to listen very carefully,” the doctor continued. Worried, Lara put the glass back on her nightstand.

“What is it?” she said, her eyebrows raised in alarm.

“You’re pregnant.”

Bollocks!

Sometime in the distant future...

Once again, there were the usual sounds of chirping birds, rustling trees, and roaring waves and waterfalls in the background back on the island of the Jade statue. These sounds were then quickly interrupted by another, even louder sound.

Promptly appearing in the air was a ship. Visible through the cockpit window was the familiar face of one particular blonde bounty hunter.

Upon making a landing next to the jade statue, Samus, dressed in her zero suit this time, exited her ship and looked around to take in her surroundings.

“What the hell is this place?” Her eyes then landed on that thing that’s taken so many for so long, and this time, there was a visible golden glow emanating from it.

“Hmm...”

To free the magical force of the Man of Jade, one has to take in and polish his mighty Rod of Power.
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