RWBY Yang Dialouge (2 Viewers)

[Jacob Zero]

My first dialogue. I believe I captured Yang's confident and fun-loving personality with a bit of a masochist side, considering her love for fighting may cause her to actually enjoy pain because of her Semblance. Still, I hope it didn't override her other personality traits.

 

[Pim_gd]

You should use the DialogueChecker (link in signature) before posting your dialogue. There's a number of issues in your dialogue which may lead to lines not playing.

Spoiler: DialogueChecker v3.03 output for your dialogue

Dialogue was checked in 5 ms with v3.03 of the DialogueChecker.
I found 18 issue(s) with your dialogue, of which 0 were severe, 9 were major issues, and 9 were minor issues.

Syntax - Major: An uneven amount of double quotes was found on line 6. This could indicate a coding error.
The line does contain a few angled double quotes - did you (or text editor) accidentally change the double quotes?
Line 6: general:"What? Are you surpised that I'm new at this? Well my dad wouldn't take kindly to some messing around with his kid, let alone doing this. ... Why are you suddenly sweaty?'

Variables - Major: Undeclared variable ("FINSHES") in a variable insertion (*FINSHES*) on line 13, col 28, near "(...) *FINSHES* (...)".
Line 13: restart:"You honestly think *FINSHES* is enough for either of us?"

Syntax - Major: Excess characters ( ) between linename and line content on line 18. This indicates a syntax error.
Excess characters between the linename and line content means the line will be ignored by SDT.
Line 18: first_throat: "You feel so tense. Loosen up or else this won't be good for either of us."

Syntax - Major: Excess characters ( ) between linename and line content on line 19. This indicates a syntax error.
Excess characters between the linename and line content means the line will be ignored by SDT.
Line 19: first_Throat: "Well, you know what they say. Practice makes perfect!"

Line Usage - Major: Line 19 is unused!
Line 19: first_Throat: "Well, you know what they say. Practice makes perfect!"

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 21, col 7 near "swallow:" Wow, (...)"
Line 21: swallow:" Wow, that was alot just then... Got any more?"

Syntax - Major: Excess characters ( ) between linename and line content on line 23. This indicates a syntax error.
Excess characters between the linename and line content means the line will be ignored by SDT.
Line 23: swallow: "Mmmh, your cum is rather tasty. Just makes this all the better for me.."

Syntax - Minor: Found a probable illegal colon on line 39, col 68. Replace colons in dialogue lines with %3A.
Line 39: held:"Why isn't he letting me up? I can't breath! Better question is: WHy am I not stopping him?"{"style":"Thought"}

Variables - Major: Undeclared variable ("grumbles") in a variable insertion (*grumbles*) on line 41, col 87, near "(...) *grumbles* (...)".
Line 41: wake:"D-did I pass out just then? I can barely remember when that last happened to me. *grumbles* Stupid midget girl...Oh, I'm not mad at you! Keep going! Just warn me if your gonna do that again."

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 45, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] (...)"
Line 45: cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] Well, that CAME without warning. Eh eh?"

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 46, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] (...)"
Line 46: cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] Ooo, that feels good. Nice and warm all over my face. Maybe we should try that again."

Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
Space at start of new line on line 47, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Ah! (...)"
Line 47: cum_on_face:"[OPEN_EYES] Ah! Damn man, you sure cum alot. I'm sure you going make some girl very happy some day...what? Why are staring at me?"
Stripped Line 47: cum_on_face:" Ah! Damn man, you sure cum alot. I'm sure you going make some girl very happy some day...what? Why are staring at me?"

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 48, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] (...)"
Line 48: cum_on_face:" [OPEN_EYES] Well well, you got excited. Good thing that benefits the both of us, huh?"

Variables - Major: Undeclared variable ("Gasp") in a variable insertion (*Gasp*) on line 50, col 15, near "cum_in_throat:"*Gasp* (...)".
Line 50: cum_in_throat:"*Gasp* Wow, I thought I was gonna suffocate their for a minute. It felt strangely good though."

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 51, col 13 near "cum_in_throat:" Hehe, (...)"
Line 51: cum_in_throat:" Hehe, someone's enjoying being the dominant one. Better watch out though, cuz you never know when it might get taken from ya. [THOUGHT] Not that I want to."

Line Usage - Major: A trigger ([THOUGHT]) on line 51 refers to a non-existing line.
Line 51: cum_in_throat:" Hehe, someone's enjoying being the dominant one. Better watch out though, cuz you never know when it might get taken from ya. [THOUGHT] Not that I want to."

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 52, col 13 near "cum_in_throat:" Hmmm. (...)"
Line 52: cum_in_throat:" Hmmm. While it did feel good having your cock in my throat, blasting out all that thick cum of yours, I think I'd prefer to taste it."

Grammar - Minor: Space at start of new line on line 58, col 10 near "cum_in_eye:" Ack. (...)"
Line 58: cum_in_eye:" Ack. Being blinded aside, your cum feels rather nice on my face."

Once you've fixed these issues, try letting me look your dialogue over again. Maybe I'll find something new.

If there's anything you need help with fixing, let me know.

 

[Samoth]

I'm pretty sure your dialogue will start looking weird with those lines for the *FINISHES* variable.

*FINISHES* will insert the appropriate line based on the number of orgasms into the dialogue. So your line

"Not even *FINISHES* is enough for you? I like that..."

Will become

"Not even Still hard? Good, cuz we've still got a lot of time left. Better make the most of it! is enough for you? I like that..."

After the first ejaculation. You'd be better off making restart just play the *FINISHES* variable if you're going to have lines like that. To keep the 3 restart lines you began with, just label all of them "finishOther" so that a random one plays once you've exceeded your "limit" (which here is 5 times - the 6th orgasm and onwards would fill *FINISHES* with whatever is present for finishOther - on that note, once you hit 6 orgasms that will just be a void in the middle of the line).

Also, it's "in the same boat," not "on the same boat." I'd advise you put the dialogue through a spell checker as well - I noticed one instance of "justy" where I assume you wanted "just," and I didn't look at it for other possible errors in that vein.

 

[Jacob Zero]

Sorry, Notepad doesn't have spell check and I space out some times. Will do though.

 

[Jacob Zero]

Here's a better, updated version of the dialogue. Know that this is my first, and likely only, dialogue so I am prone to amateur mistakes.

 

[Samoth]

A couple of comments that are based on the "coding" of dialogues in general:

1. I'd advise downloading Pim_GD's DialogueChecker and running your dialogue through that. It appears to have found a handful of issues with it:
   
   Spoiler

   Dialogue was checked in 50 ms with v3.02 of the DialogueChecker.
   I found 8 issue(s) with your dialogue, of which 0 were severe, 3 were major issues, and 5 were minor issues.
   
   
   Syntax - Major: An uneven amount of double quotes was found on line 6. This could indicate a coding error.
   Line 6: general:"What? Are you surprised that I'm new at this? Well my dad wouldn't like if if some messing around with his kid, let alone doing this. ... Why are you suddenly sweaty?'
   
   
   Line Usage - Major: Duplicate finish line (finishOther was first declared on line 12) on line 13:
   Duplicate finish lines will not be loaded properly. Use a trigger to a normal line instead if you're using finishes for an entire line.
   If you're using finishes to insert part of a line, consider making a callback function that sets a variable to one of your linesections.
   Then you could insert that variable in your finish line.
   Line 13: finishOther:"You honestly think this is enough for either of us?"
   
   
   Line Usage - Major: Duplicate finish line (finishOther was first declared on line 12) on line 14:
   Duplicate finish lines will not be loaded properly. Use a trigger to a normal line instead if you're using finishes for an entire line.
   If you're using finishes to insert part of a line, consider making a callback function that sets a variable to one of your linesections.
   Then you could insert that variable in your finish line.
   Line 14: finishOther:"Need some time to recover? Fine then. Don't keep me waiting, baby."
   
   
   Syntax - Minor: Found a probable illegal colon on line 39, col 68. Replace colons in dialogue lines with %3A.
   Line 39: held:"Why isn't he letting me up? I can't breath! Better question is: Why am I not stopping him?"
   
   
   Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
   Space at start of new line on line 45, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Well, (...)"
   Line 45: cum_on_face:"[OPEN_EYES] Well, that CAME without warning. Eh eh?"
   Stripped Line 45: cum_on_face:" Well, that CAME without warning. Eh eh?"
   
   
   Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
   Space at start of new line on line 46, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Ooo, (...)"
   Line 46: cum_on_face:"[OPEN_EYES] Ooo, that feels good. Nice and warm all over my face. Maybe we should try that again."
   Stripped Line 46: cum_on_face:" Ooo, that feels good. Nice and warm all over my face. Maybe we should try that again."
   
   
   Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
   Space at start of new line on line 47, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Ah! (...)"
   Line 47: cum_on_face:"[OPEN_EYES] Ah! Damn man, you sure cum a lot. I'm sure you going make some girl very happy some day...what? Why are staring at me?"
   Stripped Line 47: cum_on_face:" Ah! Damn man, you sure cum a lot. I'm sure you going make some girl very happy some day...what? Why are staring at me?"
   
   
   Grammar - Minor: The following issue was found after stripping the line of delay characters and triggers:
   Space at start of new line on line 48, col 11 near "cum_on_face:" Well (...)"
   Line 48: cum_on_face:"[OPEN_EYES] Well well, you got excited. Good thing that benefits the both of us, huh?"
   Stripped Line 48: cum_on_face:" Well well, you got excited. Good thing that benefits the both of us, huh?"
   It would appear my original advice regarding making your finish lines into "finishOther" lines was not the best of ideas. A quick fix would be to make finishOther feed out a different line, like so:
   
   finishOther:"[OtherClimax]"
   Then to re-define your 3 finishOther lines as OtherClimax lines.
2. Your Finish lines will never fire on their own. The finish lines are only triggered by inserting the variable *FINISHES* into your dialogue somewhere. Your best bet would probably be to make a line like this:
   
   restart:"*FINISHES*"
   This would allow your finish lines to progress in order and fire when you want them to.
3. Some lines may work better as purely thoughts, rather than as spoken lines, like this one:
   
   held:"Why isn't he letting me up? I can't breath! Better question is: Why am I not stopping him?"
   To make a line a thought like this, add
   
   {"style":"Thought"}
   after the line. Then it will fire as a thought dialogue. It's up to you whether you actually do this or not, though. It's also your call which lines work as thoughts and which ones don't (I haven't taken a deep look at the dialogue but a cursory glance suggests all 3 held lines would probably fit better as thought lines).
4. Your 3 Pull_off lines sound like they'd work better as vigorous lines, as all 3 appear to suggest he was being rough. Pull_off can occur after any time the girl's mouth leaves contact with the dick, whereas vigorous also requires the "impact meter" to hit 100% (it's the one that constantly fluctuates as the girl sucks the dick, rather than ticking slowly down like her breath or slowly up like the pleasure meter).
5. A minor note that is entirely optional and unnecessary: the way SDT plays dialogues, it doesn't really acknowledge the stops punctuation add to a conversation. It reads the whole thing like a sort of run-on sentence. The way to get around this (for those that WANT to - note that this is not required at all) is to add the character "Б" to your dialogue. To paraphrase the explanation Pim_gd gives in his dialogue guide, SDT has no clue what to do with this character and just ignores it, but attempts to "process" it anyways. This results in a slowdown of the dialogue. If you had
   
   resistance:"Keep on trying, I'll get it eventually."
   versus
   
   resistance:"Keep on trying,ББББ I'll get it eventually."
   The second line would take slightly longer to play and put a pause between the two portions of the line where the comma is. This helps "simulate" the actual speech pattern of pausing after punctuation. Note that this is NOT necessary for a dialogue to work. It's just bells and whistles being tacked on.

A few minor typos I noticed:

Spoiler

cum_in_throat:"Wow, I thought I was gonna suffocate their for a minute. It felt strangely good though."

This line uses the wrong form of the word "there":

first_dt:"Yeah Ah! I finally got!"

I presume you were going for "yeehaw" or something along those lines with this one? There's no real "right" way to spell it as far as I'm aware but I think yeehaw is a typically accepted form. Additionally, I believe you forgot the word "it" at the end (as in "I finally got it").

wake:"D-did I pass out just then? I can barely remember when that last happened to me. Stupid midget girl...Oh, I'm not mad at you! Keep going! Just warn me if your gonna do that again."

You used "your" here rather than "you're."

Overall it still looks quite decent, having read the actual dialogues. It's just a matter of fixing up the errors and it'll be good to go.

 

[Jacob Zero]

Third time's the charm....