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Lady Thor VS Captain Patriarchy

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by Courtmaster, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. Courtmaster

    Courtmaster Vivacious Visitor

    Oct 28, 2011
    Likes Received:
    TRIGGER WARNING: literally everything

    The studded leather of Thor’s kidney belt caved in to the pressure of Juggernaut’s boot. She cried out, blood and spittle flying from her lips as the kick sent her flying through the air. She hit the pavement, rolled twice, and quickly rebounded to her feet. Thor shook her shoulders to loosen the muscles, then wiped her hand across her mouth to clean off the blood. “It would appear I have underestimated thee,” she said with a smirk. “Come hither! I shall not make the same mistake a second time!”

    Juggernaut cracked his knuckles. “So howizit that acquiring the powers of a Viking god makes you start talking in Ye Olde English?”

    Good question, Thor thought. “I hath no time for mindless banter, villain! Face me, and tell your fellows t’was a woman who struck you down!” She spun Mjolnir in circles. Once momentum was built, she released the hammer. It soared through the air and struck Juggernaut square in the head. His helmet stopped the mythical hammer in its tracks, and Mjolnir fell impotently to the ground. “Impossible!” Thor exclaimed while Juggernaut bellowed with laughter. “How can this be?!”

    Deadpool appeared in front of her, holding up a single, lecturing finger. “What ho! Get it? It’s an English way of saying what’s up? Only derived from ancient Norse! Also, you’re a woman, and ho is often used as a derogatory insult towards women.” He pointed at Thor. “Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right! You claimed it’s impossible for him to be able to withstand your mighty Mjolnir the Lioness, but there’s one crucial fact you’re forgetting. He’s the Juggernaut, bitch! Wait, you’re not being played by Ellen Page, are you?”

    “Get out of my way, Wade,” Juggernaut snarled, and Deadpool vanished just as quickly as he had come. “I’m going to turn you into a pancake, stupid girl.” He lowered his head, preparing to charge. Thor braced herself for the impact, but none came.

    A caped man dressed in all white flew down and delivered a dramatic punch to the back of Juggernaut’s head. The villain grunted loudly and collapsed, unconscious. The newcomer landed, placing his hands on his hips. He bore a logo on his chest in the shape of a penis and scrotum arranged like the male gender symbol. “Well, well, a damsel in distress!” he exclaimed boisterously. His stance was wide, and his legs were splayed too far apart for Thor’s comfort. His blue eyes stared directly at her.

    A strange sensation between Thor’s legs overcame her. It felt as if the man’s cock was pushing deep inside her womynhood. She gasped in surprise and fell to her knees. “What’s wrong, wench?” the man asked. She covered her groin with her left hand, but it didn’t stop the phantom dick from pounding away at her ladyparts.

    “It’s…noth –aaaAAAH!” she cried as a second ghost wang violated her anus. She tried to regain her composure, but the invisible Johnson & Johnson were too powerful. As she knelt before the white man, it occurred to her that he might be the cause of all her problems. “Wh – ah! What magic dost – oooh! Dost thou – mmmrrf!” Her voice was garbled by a third spirit willy sliding between her lips. She tried to close her mouth, but the magic member was too big and hard. It rubbed against her tongue, although she couldn’t see it. The man stood there, seemingly oblivious to how hard he was oppressing her tight little holes. Her body trembled with pleasure caused by her internalized misogyny, and she came with the power of Odin.

    Thor collapsed, panting heavily, body shaking. Her body was covered with a thin sheen of sweat. “Are you okay?” the man asked.

    “Yuuusssss…” Thor said, slowly pushing herself back up to her feet. There was a noticeable wetness between her thighs. “What…happened?”

    “I believe that was one of my powers acting on its own,” he mansplained, scratching his square jaw.

    “Power…?” Thor said, slowly putting the pieces together. “You…raped me with thine eyes! Only one man hath the power of stare-rape!” She narrowed her eyes. “Captain Patriarchy.” She staggered over to Mjolnir and lifted it off the ground.

    “I apologize for the minor inconvenience,” he said. “But it looked like you enjoyed it, anyway. Now, I’m off to turn in this villain for the standard hundred dollar reward.”

    “Hundred dollar reward?!” Thor exclaimed. “By Freyja’s curves! I only receive seventy and seven for each villain I bring to justice!”

    “Then perhaps you should look into fighting higher risk villains. They pay better.”

    “Check thine privilege, Lord of Feces!” Thor commanded, pointing Mjolnir aggressively at him. “Or I shall use this hammer to smash Captain Patriarchy!”

    “Shut your man-pleaser, you hysterical, bossy slut,” the man said dismissively. “I have no interest in engaging in combat with the weaker sex.”

    “We shall see which is weaker!” Thor shouted, charging her new enemy. Captain Patriarchy sprang into action, clearly able-bodied. Thor swung Mjoilnir down, but the man easily dodged it. He delivered a kick to Thor’s ribs, knocking the breath from her lungs. She doubled over, gasping for air.

    Captain Patriarchy softly patted her head. “You see? Women just aren’t built for fighting.”

    “Silence!” she shouted, but her voice was weaker than she would have liked. She forced herself to stand up straight and swung at the man’s face. He blocked her attack and retaliated with a swift one-two with his palm and the back of his hand to either cheek. She gasped, her face red and stinging, though the attack hurt her pride more than her flesh. Thor growled, lunging at her nemesis. She delivered a barrage of punches and kicks, some of which he avoided, but not all.

    He stepped back, regaining an offensive stance. “Your hands are quick,” he admitted. “You must be a whiz at making sandwiches.” He laughed, unfazed by her attacks. He charged her before she could respond. She was too slow to avoid him, and she immediately felt the consequences. His knee rammed into her gut, knocking the breath out of her.

    “Oof!” Thor replied, and even she had to admit it wasn’t her most articulate comeback. She tried to counter, but Captain Patriarchy grabbed her by the wings of her mask. He pulled her head down into his knee, smashing her mouth and nose. She stumbled and fell back, holding her throbbing face.

    The Captain seized the advantage and leapt on top of Thor. He pinned her arms above her head with one hand and started punching her with his other. “Let me…!” Thor’s command was cut short by a fist to her face. The blow rocked her head to the side, and blood sprayed from her mouth onto the asphalt. She was stunned for a moment, giving the man the opportunity to strike her several more times with impunity.

    Thor wriggled, struggling to free her slender wrists from Captain Patriarchy’s mighty grip, but to no avail. He used his free hand to grab her breastplate and rip it off her. The shirt underneath tore from the effort, exposing her breasts. “Darest thou not to – ah!” she cried as he slapped her right breast. The flesh stung as it jiggled from the impact. “How – ah!” she cried again as he slapped her other breast. He continued to punish her bosom for a full minute. By the end of it, her face was redder than her abused tits. “I shall make sure you suffer for this,” she growled.

    “Just submit already.”

    “I think…not!” She freed her right hand from his grip, grabbed Mjolnir and struck him hard in the jaw with it. Captain Patriarchy fell off of her, and she instantly jumped to her feet. Is he out? she wondered. Or perhaps I killed him…?

    Captain Patriarchy rose to his feet, rubbing his jaw. “Well, that stung. A little.”

    “Curses!” Thor uttered, preparing Mjolnir for her next assault.

    “A hammer is a man’s tool, darling. Put it down before you smash you thumb with it.”

    She’d had enough of his snide, chauvinistic insults. “I am the Goddess of Thunder. Insult me again, and I shall smash more than thy thumb!” She raised Mjolnir, face twisted in fury.

    Captain Patriarchy moved with impressive speed, closing the distance between them. He punched Thor in the mouth, knocking her to the ground. Damn it! She thought. I can’t lose! Not to him! She pushed herself back up, but he knocked her back to the ground. He stood over her, legs spread wide…

    A lightbulb went off in Thor’s head. With his stance so wide, his precious testicles were wide open. She kicked up between his legs, hoping to end the fight with one last blow. Captain Patriarchy caught her foot between his knees. “No!” she cried in despair. “T’is not fair! Thou art too strong…too quick! Weaken thyself to make it fair.”

    “That’s not how this works, sugar tits. If you can’t take the heat, then go back to the kitchen.”

    Thor looked up at him, trembling in awe of his masculine virility. “I truly cannot hope to defeat thee,” she said, averting her eyes in shame. “I submit myself to thee wholly. Take me, use me, discard me as thou seest fit.” Her cheeks went pink at the thought.

    “Very well,” Captain Patriarchy said, unbuckling his trousers. “Now let’s find a better use for that mouth of yours.”


    Thor left the kitchen holding a plate of eggs and bacon and walked to her man’s bedroom. She wore nothing but an apron and her winged visor. Captain Patriarchy was lounging naked in bed. “Looks like you managed not to burn the bacon this time,” he said, accepting the food from his submissive goddess.

    Thor blushed. “I hope it is to thy liking, Master.” She glanced at his erection and quickly looked away.

    “Do I have to tell you to do everything?” he queried.

    “I…! My apologies, Master,” Thor said, climbing into bed. She brushed her golden hair away from her face and wrapped her lips around his throbbing penis. Her tongue stroked his shaft each time her head bobbed up and down. He had long finished eating by the time he came in her mouth. He held her head down, forcing her to swallow every last drop. He eventually let her back up, and she gasped for breath. “It was…delicious. Thank you, Master.”

    He gave her a cocky grin. “It was my…privilege.”
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2015
    Trigon, rekpe and TwistedTypist like this.
  2. Viridian

    Viridian Vivacious Visitor

    Aug 24, 2012
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    Oh wow... um. Let it never be said that you don't listen to your critics! It was anything but abrupt, and pretty darned well written. I'd almost say you may have... um... gone a little TO hard at the parody aspect here and you really REALLY took my suggestion to go at the sexism angle here. I should probably apologize to all other women everywhere if I at all inspired it.

    That being said, as parody goes, and as I said in the comment of your last Thor story, as the comic in question does go SEVERELY out of its way to pip up the 'Thor the Woman! Kicking Man ASS!' angle, it's sort of warranted parody. If the comics treated her more fairly like, you know Lady Thor the person (as opposed WOMAN!) I'd probably be offended. But it doesn't, so I'm not.

    Touche and good work!
  3. Kargan3033

    Kargan3033 Club Regular

    Aug 10, 2015
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    Nicely done, I got a laugh or two out of it, thanks for sharing Courtmaster