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I can also write.

Discussion in 'Fiction' started by KevinFace, Jan 17, 2011.

  1. KevinFace

    KevinFace Potential Patron Ryonani Teamster

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    View attachment The Game.doc

    You're a 17 year old boy left at home alone. You go to the club with your
    friends who promise to get you laid. But you get a little more than you asked for, see how it all plays out.

    This is unedited but oh well. It's also supposed to be Part 1.
     
  2. noice1

    noice1 Avid Affiliate

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    Auuugh! I lost the game. :melt:

    Edit: Interesting set up, but some commentary-

    First, I'm not sure how well this is going to go over here. Just to let people know the fetishes (which should be tagged for stories): nonconsent, FMdom/m, bondage, possible forced-bi. No ryona.

    Second, I think this would be much better as an interactive story, since there are a lot of ways this can play out, and it would allow people to tailor to their fetishes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2011
  3. KevinFace

    KevinFace Potential Patron Ryonani Teamster

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    You could call it 2nd person Gyaku [or reverse if I'm wrong] Ryona, this assuming the reader is male.
    And I was kind of afraid as to how it'd cross over into this realm, but I was taking a different sort of approach to this.

    I was actually considering making it an interactive story for that reason, but I'd do it with a poll.
    But alas, I just kept it as a general 2nd person story for the emotional appeal.
     
  4. Black Lion

    Black Lion Swell Supporter Ryonani Teamster

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    Thanks Noice, now I lost the game...

    I guess there's not much ryona yet, but it looks interesting at least.
     
  5. Someone92

    Someone92 Swell Supporter Staff Member Moderator

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    You're just descriping the bare minimum to follow what happens, and imo your story therefor lacks the mood.
    To make the story more compelling describe more detailed happens to the protagonist and what happens around him. E.g. how do the protagonist's friends look like, how are they dressed? How has the protagonist dressed himself to go to the club? Maybe he dressed himself odd because he rarely was in a club before and is unsecure what to wear? Was there something odd about the faked I.D., maybe his faked name was a pun? His friends seem to be inclined to do something like that. How does the club look like, it is just one big dance floor, are there side rooms where you can go to actually talk to someone? When they go from the entrance to the dance floor one or a few girls that catched the protagonist's eye can be described in more detail. The dance scene screams to be described more detailed; it is also a good opportunity to imply that the girl is the domiant one between them in case that's your intension, e.g. she turns the protagonist around, turn herself around, lean her back against his one and they dance back to back, or she turns his back to him, moves close to him, grabs his hands and guide them over her body.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2011
  6. KevinFace

    KevinFace Potential Patron Ryonani Teamster

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    Thanks, that was the detailed advice I was looking for to be honest.

    I'll be sure to edit that into the story.