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First time dialog

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by fruitloops, Mar 12, 2013.

  1. fruitloops

    fruitloops Potential Patron

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    Like most of you I love SDT and I finally decided to contribute. Some of the dialogs here doesn't suit my fantasy so while my parents are home and I'm feeling a bit sexually frustrated I wrote my own dialog. My dialog started off for just me because I have a huge boner for the Magma grunt in Pokemon s/r/e so I wrote a dialog for her and than mine started to become general so I decided to make this for everybody. This has like a few pokemon reference in this but you can just delete those, Magma grunt calls you a brat a lot in this and you just beat her at a battle and that somehow lead up to a blowjob. I tried to write a lot for every action, especially the handjob scene. Idk. I kind of copied maybe some other peoples lines just to fill in so sorry for that. Please review and if you like my writing I could do some request.
     

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  2. Pim_gd

    Pim_gd Swell Supporter

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    Nice length for a first dialogue!
    I looked it over for you and found a couple things of interest.

    Many of your lines don't end with a period of exclamation mark or question mark or w/e... and that's a bit of a turn-off (more like a distraction) to me. It's also a missed opportunity for extra impact on some lines (compare "oh god yes" and "Oh god, YES!").
    So I went in and "fixed" those.

    Typo's/styling I wasn't sure about:
    cum_in_throat:"Oh god, hard cord brat"
    I assume it's hardcore and I've replaced it with that.

    first_throat:"All right"
    ... this is where styling is paramount. I can't tell if it's "Alllright!" as in "Hell yeah!" or "Alright" as in "Okay" or even the weirdest of them all "all right" as in "not left".
    I went for Alright! in the end.

    first_throat:"Well brat looks like you're tougher than you look."
    sounds strange but it's not a typo. Replaced with "seems like"

    I would suggest working a bit more with moods. You've got 1x Ahegao for a swallow line and 1x Normal for a drool line but there's more opportunity here, especially for angry mood for cum in eye, maybe.
    held:"Okay okay you win bra- master."
    that line would be perfect for setting her back to normal mood from angry again.

    There might be a lot of grammatical issues left with the dialogue but that's because I feel it's not within my authority to change those lines (as adding comma's and such changes the... pacing of the dialogue, and the tone of some of the lines).

    I like how you went out of your way to write for a lot of different actions - I didn't even knew hand_job_stroke was a valid trigger!

    Is there some character code you prefer to use with this?
     

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  3. fruitloops

    fruitloops Potential Patron

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    Alright thanks for the review, I would keep all those in mind next time I write a dialog.