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Custom Dialogue: Persuaded

Discussion in 'Dialogue' started by booster, Sep 26, 2011.

  1. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    This is my 2nd dialogue for this awesome game! It's called: "Persuaded"

    About: You're in some sort of platonic relationship with this girl and somehow managed to persuade her into giving you a blowjob. she likes you... sort of... and wants to do you a favor, even though she's very aloof, inexperienced and prude. you on the other hand don't care what she's saying, as long as you can use her body.
    she speaks (how woodward would say) "clinical" because she's very educated and proud.

    I'd suggest to set his arm to "holding" and her arms to everything other than "back" (she'd never let you shackle her). To prevent boring repetitions in her lines I gave her a LOT to say! Accordingly you'll be able to play with this dialogue more than once ;)
    English isn't my native language. If you find any mistakes, just post them and I'll correct the txt -file.

    Edit: I uploaded the corrected version 2.

    __________________________________________________________


    Edit: NEW - VERSION 4 - NOW WITH DIALOGUE ACTIONS AND CONDOM!!!

    get the condom here (made by faceless): http://superdeepthroat.ryonani.com/index.php?topic=1788.0
    The password is what you must use to "load" this mods. (1 word, 6 letters long)

    Instructions:
    -listen to a few of her intro lines and you'll know the deal
    -don't fuck her throat in vigor yet. just hold her down a few times until she gets unconscious THEN pull the condom off immideately by clicking it (for that, hold shift to temporarily let loose of her head)
    -you'll see her reaction
    -fuck her throat in vigor and read what she thinks about the situation
    -cum
    -?
    -profit
     

    Attached Files:

  2. warhawk47

    warhawk47 Potential Patron

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    looks pretty good, i appreciate the diversity!
     
  3. Kinnerman

    Kinnerman Potential Patron

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    There are some lines I feel as if could be improved to make them dirtier but as you said this is clinical so I'll ignore those...However there are some sentences that have verb tense mistakes and grammatical mistakes.

    I'm pretty sure it's lewdly not lewd.

    Unless she walks around in a loin cloth or something like that, it'd be clothes.

    Capitalization errors.

    Instead of "I hadn't agreed" it would be "I wouldn't have" or alternatively "I never would of"
    I don't know if this was intentional but I think "done" should be "did"

    There are more lines but chances are Woodward is going to point them out anyway...

    Overall it's pretty good. Your english has improved since the the Serve dialogue. Not that I'm qualified to judge.
     
  4. I took a quick glance at the text itself (didn't see it in-game yet, sorry) and what struck me the most is that you kept the finish-routines ("once", "twice") but you haven't used the *FINISHES* string in one single line! A missed opportunity IMO, you could really make up great lines with that.
    Also, apart from the (minor) errors (which didn't really bother me that much though) the text setup as a whole seems a little incoherent at certain points. It looks to me that you could get lines contradicting each other in-game like that.
    Maybe I'm a bit preposterous here, but I just felt obliged to let you know. I hope you don't get this as negative feedback, because I do like the way you wrote the dialogue and I cincerely hope to see a revised version of it soon!
     
  5. Ell Jee

    Ell Jee Potential Patron

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    Actually, that's incorrect. You wouldn't say "I have did." You'd say "I have done" or "I did." The original is correct, in the present perfect tense. And especially if the girl in question is well-educated, she'd not make the mistake of "What I've did."
     
  6. Kinnerman

    Kinnerman Potential Patron

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    My bad. This is why I should stick to my short reviews with no critique what-so-ever.
     
  7. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    kinnerman:
    i've corrected everything you said but have 1 question left:
    Capitalization errors. --> what do you mean by that?

    some dumb guy:
    i didn't use the *finishes* because they didn't work right. it surely has to do with the above mentioned problem. i'll look after it as soon as i get an answer to this question.

    i'm always happy for feedback and i'll try to correct the txt file until it's perfect. thats why i really appreciate your critic!
     
  8. Kinnerman

    Kinnerman Potential Patron

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    You did it again. You're supposed to capitalize the first letter in every sentence. For example "i'm always happy for feedback" should be changed to "I'm always happy for feedback". It's not a big deal.
     
  9. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    I've uploaded version 2 in the first post. There are no big changes, mostly corrections of errors and few new lines.
     
  10. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    I've waited a long time now, hoping kona would make the promised "unhappy-mode". It'd be perfect for this dialogue, but since there is no sign for it to appear in the near future, its gotta be "normal-mode" with a LOT of dialogue actions then. if you know how to use the loader, have fun! (description in the first post)
     

    Attached Files:

  11. onrok

    onrok Guest

    Hi fellas! new here... I cant access the board the condom mod is in... how do i get it?

    thanks for the good work! keep it up!
     
  12. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    here:
    http://superdeepthroat.ryonani.com/index.php?board=9.0
    in "loader imports"
     
  13. jarhead70

    jarhead70 Potential Patron

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    A question though, how do I suppose to use the condom mods? There are 2 .mod files which I cannot seem to use?

    (I'm asking here cos ShaLee's similar question on that thread at Jan 26 seems gone unanswered)
     
  14. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    by reading the FAQ =[
     
  15. jarhead70

    jarhead70 Potential Patron

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    Hmm, couldn't find the FAQ you mentioned, unless you're referring to Anonymous' ModLoader Guide

    http://superdeepthroat.ryonani.com/index.php?topic=1047.msg11173#msg11173

    BTW, finally got the Condom mod working. If there's a FAQ somewhere, it better mention that Flash is highly sensitive to line delimiter format in text files :o
    Just spent an entire night figuring that's the problem why the Condom mod not loading, as well as multiple mod loading screw ups >:( (cos I stubbornly refuse to install .NET 4 just for running the Mod Manager)
     
  16. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    so... how do you like my dialogue?
     
  17. fakult schrier

    fakult schrier Potential Patron

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    It's pretty good. Some of the dialogue feels a little... awkward, I guess you could say. The clinical speech is fine but even with that some of the things are phrased in ways that nobody would ever really say. But the scenario and most of the lines are excellent.
     
  18. booster

    booster Avid Affiliate

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    finally a feedback, that's really seldom :P thx fakult schrier! if you (or anyone else) points out the "awkward lines", I'll correct them.
     
  19. SirDougles

    SirDougles Potential Patron

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    I really like the dialogue set up for the finishes and restarts...really exploring what you can do with those and overall what you can do with the action commands. Other then the awkward word choice (cultural thing more then likely) this was a very good dialogue.
     
  20. Xiombarg

    Xiombarg Avid Affiliate

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    Seems the Link you posted to the Condom mod is buried in the SWF board, and inaccessible to those of us who can't get a password . . .

    Other than that, looks like a fun little dialog to me ;)