dialogue_name:"The Storyteller" CUSTOM: intro:".... So, this one time, at band camp..." intro:"... Groceries today; let's see, I need carrots, potatoes, beets, lettuce..." intro:"... Not too far away, in a place that was almost like Earth..." intro:"... The most erotic story I ever heard was told to me by a wise old man on the bus..." intro:"... Five score and seven years - no, four score and seven... Four score and..." intro:"... Awakening, I found myself in the dungeon of the Chaos Lord. My vorpal blade was missing, so I..." intro:"... One morning I thought I'd turned into a floating plate of dry noodles. But in reality..." general:"... The Vogon Destructor Fleet had just arrived..." general:"... After the war had occurred, it was time to rebuild, so we had to man the barricades carefully..." general:"... Snow was all we had left, so we used snow to build up our own copy of the federal reserve..." general:"... I wrote this piece of fanfiction once. No one ever commented on it - until the troubles started..." general:"... Pastor Kluggman turned out to be a half-lobster half-vampire werewolf, whose only weakness was my vorpal blade..." general:"... After that, I made a note that the first thing I'd do was go and have sex..." general:"... Feeling faint, I checked my blood pressure. Funny, said Larry. No sign of intelligent life anywhere..." general:"... But first, I had to clear the room of hunter-killer robots..." general:"... Lo, a young man appeared outside my window. He was dressed in red velvet so I thought he might be a cake..." general:"... Beyond my sight lurked the Chaos Lord and his unassailable army. So, I said to my army 'Charge!' and then we..." general:"... Who loved my gentle spirit..." general:"... She had never known the touch of a man - save for Prince Bastion..." general:"... My alarm clock began to ring - shut up, I thought to myself, then ate the alarm clock..." resistance:"... An enemy swarm approached, so I lit them up with my lightning gun..." resistance:"... I wasn't going to take him lying down. That wouldn't have been very chivalric..." resistance:"... Her eyes shone like fire or some similarly burning phenomenon..." resistance:"... Nine out of ten Americans were revealed to be Anarchist Saboteurs, and now, the news..." resistance:"... Little did they know that my secret powers were yet to awaken..." resistance:"... Foolishly, the Chaos Lord advanced - but I was ready for him..." resistance:"... Philosophy was never my strong suit, which is why I wore a robe made of newspapers to class..." resistance:"... Riots in the streets of London..." resistance:"... Tempestuous weather threw the zeppelin off course and only I could steer it back..." interrupt:"-mphh!" interrupt:"-mph!" interrupt:"-obu!" interrupt:"-uwa!" interrupt:"-ngyha!" interrupt:"-ghmph!" interrupt:"-mmbh!" interrupt:"-nngh!" interrupt:"-mmn!" interrupt:"-ghch!" interrupt:"-mmb!" interrupt:"-mmbh!" interrupt:"-mnh!" interrupt:"-ng!" interrupt:"-!" interrupt:"-hn!" cough:"-aghck" cough:"-ack" cough:"-ackph" cough:"-agph" cough:"-achf" first_throat:"... The army penetrated the facility but found all the supplies had been ransacked..." first_throat:"... Both her breasts were actually lined not with expensive jewelry, but with snakes..." first_throat:"... Maximillian frowned and challenged her to a duel; but she had taken this step. She could continue..." first_throat:"... A violent passion arose within my head; I realized that I had to kill everybody, but only in my mind..." first_throat:"... The flowers were actually made of chocolate with sugar glazing..." first_throat:"... And the black goat of the woods asked me 'Kid. Hold up. What are you doing with your life?'..." first_throat:"... A small step for man, a great step for mankind..." first_throat:"... But Yuri and I hadn't seen each other for years, so it was confusing..." first_throat:"... Dark circles under his eyes made me think he'd stayed awake all night - I only desired him more..." first_throat:"... Zebra cavalry came out of the woodworks - the Chaos Lord was riding his Pterodactyl, Zephyr..." first_throat:"... The crowd burst into applause, except for a few hecklers..." first_dt:"... A great journey began, and we packed up our bags..." first_dt:"... Did the Chaos Lord send you? I asked, but received no reply but bitter laughter..." first_dt:"... Lilies of the valley were everywhere - I was happy, so I ate plenty of their berries..." first_dt:"... Sweatshop labor proved ineffective, so they switched to blood sacrifice..." first_dt:"... Magical druidic power awaited, but I told them I had no need of it; I had a spare tire..." first_dt:"... My troika pulled me over the snow, away from everything. My mind clouded - was this all there was?..." first_dt:"... I had that dream again last night, but you wouldn't want to hear about that..." first_dt:"... The cereal in the cupboard was fifteen years old. So was the murder weapon; a coincidence?..." first_dt:"... It stank like stale beer and old men, so I lit a vanilla candle, then flew away..." pull_off:"... I had to leave to resupply the troops, but I promised them I'd be back before the end of the war..." pull_off:"... Apparently, it was too much for the Chaos Lord and he ran away crying..." pull_off:"... How weak he was, that smug seneschal! In his heart, he dreamed himself master..." pull_off:"... The fields grew red with blood, and I could only laugh..." pull_off:"... Because in my heart I knew that I would do nothing but stand by and stare at them as they slept..." pull_off:"... Apparently, you can't buy green tomatoes at the grocery store, because of a ban on green tomatoes..." pull_off:"... Mitosis began to occur, but was stopped by a rapid deployment of force to the cell structure..." pull_off:"... It involved two cats, one of which looked suspiciously like J. Edgar Hoover..." pull_off:"... The lack of involvement was why I hate hospital waiting rooms..." held:"... Even after the night sky broke, the clouds remained at bay..." held:"... She stared into his eyes - and there was nothing there, just glazed donuts..." held:"... Australia reached into her wallet and removed a signed picture of a certain celebrity journalist..." held:"... The thought that this was it, the culmination of all life and it's meaning - I thought about it, then laughed..." held:"... You don't know what you're doing; but it's all right, because I'm an experienced spelunker..." held:"... Colonel Butler in the Lounge with the Fire Extinguisher..." held:"... Maize is actually rich in nutrients, but has received a bad rap because, well, almost every plant is nutrienter richerer..." held:"... But Chaos Lord! I thought we were friends! Don't cry for me, said he... But he was crying, too..." wake:"... My mind jolted awake like I'd been asleep for ages, and I made a note to see the dame about sleeping medication..." wake:"... Sensation flowed into my mind and I reached enlightenment - but was turned aside because I had reached enlightenment..." wake:"... The store was empty and I realized I'd never see Jolt Cola again..." wake:"... An idiot continued to pester me, so I cut out his teeth and wore them as a necklace..." wake:"... Sic temper tyrannis! But then I balked at the pretentious latin, and stabbed him in the face with my Vorpal Blade..." wake:"... I made a note, but I'd always remember. Wouldn't it be fun when the roles were reversed?..." wake:"... The beat became quicker - without a doubt, the lake was draining!..." vigorous:"... I had trouble concentrating because of the Hayes Code..." vigorous:"... And then, the Cicada grew twenty feet tall! But it was still a treasured friend..." vigorous:"... The bullet train jolted too - finally, I was on the famed Orient Express. I turned to my friend Erika, and said..." vigorous:"... The Chaos Lord fled to his fifth and final castle. This was it; life or death..." vigorous:"... But look, said I. Half of your gold is just sitting here for anyone to take. Why do you even need gold?..." vigorous:"... It never appealed to me, and it never will. But then again, not everyone can be a time traveler..." vigorous:"... You still don't want to hear about that dream..? Figures. You were always more concerned with easy gratification..." vigorous:"... A pound of flax, perhaps five of them! But what would that mean, cosmologically?..." pre_cum:"... The story came to a disappointing end." pre_cum:"... The Chaos Lord escaped, but left behind his dog, Fifi!" pre_cum:"... And that's how I tamed the last of the wild Mustang!" pre_cum:"... Were you saying something? I'm sorry, it appears I'm in a sticky situation." pre_cum:"... Finally, we had become real cowboys." cum_on_face:"... The stardust showered through the turbulent vortex; there was nothing left." cum_on_face:"... Chaos Lord, take off your mask. Let me see who you really are." cum_on_face:"... No, I never had enough time. Not even to appreciate the feel of warmth against my cheek." cum_on_face:"... But that's why we were friends; not everyone can say that they'd take it and smile." cum_on_face:"... That's it, there isn't any more." cum_in_mouth:"... He had never expect the sword to explode through his ribcage!" cum_in_mouth:"... Time. Why can't I have more time?" cum_in_mouth:"... This always happens, right in the middle. Fuck." cum_in_mouth:"... Xale wasn't a hermit, or an elf! He was just an ordinary man!" cum_in_mouth:"... The miracle never occurred." cum_in_throat:"...." cum_in_throat:"... Oh sweet red wine/flow freely/because when my cup is empty/I shall think of thee." cum_in_eye:"... He came right in my eye. It didn't matter - because then I bit off his dick." cum_in_eye:"... And no one got blowjobs, ever again." cum_in_eye:"... Erika turned to me and laughed. She was right, of course; they were all useless. Love shows you nothing." swallow:"... Their unreal expectations exceeded my own, and the entree was sub-par." swallow:"... I couldn't wait to get to the next aisle, because there I was gonna stalk up on iced tea and gel candies." swallow:"... Yet the alien was better then the Chaos Lord ever had been, and they all lived happily ever after." swallow:"... And that's how I became the fresh prince of Bel-Air." drool:"..." drool:"... Only an idiot would think it worked like that- but it made him smile, so I laughed vapidly." drool:"... I stared at the ceiling for hours, and imagined it again." drool:"... The gumball machine was out of stock." restart:"... Of course, that's what they told you happened - in reality..." restart:"... Naturally, the princess was in another castle..." restart:"... The seahorse kingdom bid me farewell and I set off on another journey..." restart:"... Everything went grey except the things that didn't. I smiled, but this time the narrative had changed..." restart:"... Her words rang true, and I smiled at the advice I'd followed. It would soon be good once more; until then, however..." restart:"... Chaos Lord! I cried, but he had died defending the orphans. A nobler death would be impossible to find... Or so I thought!..." restart:"... It was all a dream! Or was it? It might have been... But it wasn't. Or was it?..." restart:"... Huh? What? Sex?... Sure, that sounds nice. But first-" DEFAULT: resistance:"CLEAR" interrupt:"CLEAR" cough:"CLEAR" first_throat:"CLEAR" first_dt:"CLEAR" pull_off:"CLEAR" held:"CLEAR" wake:"CLEAR" vigorous:"CLEAR" pre_cum:"CLEAR" cum_on_face:"CLEAR" cum_in_throat:"CLEAR" cum_in_mouth:"CLEAR" cum_in_eye:"CLEAR" swallow:"CLEAR" drool:"CLEAR" restart:"CLEAR" [/spoiler]